When my Husband and I got married we were planning to finish school, work a while and have children. All of the sudden he wants to get his PHD. I am supportive, but he doesn't want to have kids till he is completley done(understandably). I will be 37-40 when he gets done, I def. do not want to wait that long to have kids. I told him this and he said, if he has to choose, he would choose his career over me? I understand things change and I have more than flexible with the children issue more than once, as well as other issues. I just want to know what you guys think about this?! I really appreciate it!
I'm 20 and he is 24, so we have plenty of time, lol. But the thing that scares me, is the fact that he already is saying he would choose his career over me?!
2007-12-13 01:05:43 · 17 answers · asked by waterchick1822 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He plans were very much different when we got married. Also, I def. don't harp on him about it, or constinatly bring it up or anything of the sorts. just thought i would put that in there, incase people thought i might be, lol.
2007-12-13 01:14:30 · update #1
His Career will not keep him warm at night.....and right now he has High expectations....I know serveral men and women who have college educations and Phd who aren't in the field that they chose due to the company not hiring.....
Another thing is this you will have children - He isn't in control of life.....and neither are you.
Tell him that he can have his career and you will have yours......and relax and see what happens.
2007-12-13 01:11:45 · answer #1 · answered by Been There Done That 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he's 24, I assume he at least has a bachelor's, so I can't imagine why it would take 17-20 more years (using your calculation of your age when he'd be done) to get a PhD.
Anyway, as I said before and will say again: you are #2 in your husband's life, behind his career. Only you can decide whether or not that is an acceptable position in his priorities. Personally, I would want a bigger commitment than that. My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and we have each helped the other in the pursuit of career goals, all the while (still) raising three beautiful daughters. We are living proof that you can have both careers and children, even though children did make it take longer and keep us from being as far along. But they are totally worth it!
2007-12-13 09:13:37 · answer #2 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The choosing the career over you is a totally different issue you'll have to figure out. That is messed up. Do you want to have children with a man who values his career more than his children? Because I'm betting they won't rank above it either. I'm not sure he wants to be married.
And why in the world would it take 17 to 20 years to get a PhD???? It should take no more than 8 years, including undergrad college. even going part time wouldn't take more than 6-8 years from right now, assuming he has a bachelor's degree. If that's what he's telling you, he's lying. I think your issues go deeper than what it seems. I assure you, it does not take that long, even to become an M.D. - even that is only about 12 years total (including undergrad, med school and residency).
2007-12-13 09:15:03 · answer #3 · answered by dmc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has already said that he would choose his career over starting a family with you. I was 24 when my partner had our first child and i would not swap that for anything my family come before my job every time no matter what. Tell him he has change since he went for his career move but family is the best thing and should think about going for a family now rather than later but if he still wants his career then goodbye. Good luck
2007-12-13 09:53:01 · answer #4 · answered by leon l 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds from what you are saying is that he wants you to support him while he is furthering his career. Basically, you need to put your wants on hold until he attains what he wants. And then, who's to say he will want kids.....he may need to get established in his career, etc.
PLENTY of people have children prior to their PhD. You should either find a happy midway point. Or you should get your PhD. as well. Otherwise, I'd rethink the situation. Do you want to be 40 years old without kids and a husband who decides he really doesn't want them.
2007-12-13 09:41:03 · answer #5 · answered by Lioness 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its going to take him 17-20 years to finish school? If thats the case then he is obviously not going full time. If thats true, then there is time to have kids now. No where in your posting do you show where he says he would pick his career over you? He is saying he wants to wait for kids, which is his right to do. If he doesn't want kids until he is done with school, that is not the same as saying that he is choosing something over you.
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2007-12-13 10:02:00 · answer #6 · answered by chinamigarden 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage should always come first. I applaud him for wanting to finish school but I would smack him for saying he'd chose school over his marriage! Sounds to me like he needs to grow up. Not to be negative here, but as we women get older so do our eggs and chances of getting pregnant as we get older gets harder. My niece just turned 31, waited till school was done to have a baby and now she is having a hard time getting pregnant, although she has a great job and makes lots of money, but she is sad all the time about not getting pregnant. You and your hubby need to sit down and have a long talk, if he won't communicate with you and give a little then he isn't worth it...
2007-12-13 09:14:36 · answer #7 · answered by boohoo1964 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, look... he said himself he would choose the career over you. himself. noone was pulling his tongue. maybe young, maybe stupid. the thing is that if he really meant it, well, i dont think i would stay with someone like that. careers are important, BUT you have to work a way to compromise certain things for the person you love. Yeah, you have plenty of time now, but do you really want to be second best after a career??? imagine what he will be like with the kids...?
2007-12-13 09:14:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are far more important than any career, don't let him tell you otherwise!! If he can't compromise with you now, what makes you think he will in the future? Maybe you should sit down and have a serious discussion on where your lives are going. If he can't be a real husband, I would leave.
2007-12-13 09:11:50 · answer #9 · answered by ♥TaZ♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That sure is an unusually long PhD program. Perhaps you should look into programs at other schools. I know for a fact you don't have to go to school that long for a PhD.
2007-12-13 09:26:19 · answer #10 · answered by mikey_fiveoh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋