Can i change my role in this relationship?

Question

My husband is a very loving guy.In public and in private,he's always affectionate.Butmost of the time,his temper breaks my heart.he says im exxagerating,but im scared.hes so unpredictable,that im scared that if i dont get home before he does,he might get mad.im scare that if i go out to buy him something he wanted and they dont have it,hes gonna snap.even though it doesnt seem like it,i feel like a doormat.i feel submissive,and thats not me at all.i cry every day.the latest incident was this morning.i wake him up for work every day(since we have an 8 month old daughter i wake up first)but today,the baby slept in,and i woke up a little late.so when i woke him up,telling him to hurry so he wouldnt be late,he started cursing and screaming,told me to shut up b/c i was useless.what hurts the most its that he wont ever admit hes done something wrong,i have to apologize first(for something i didn't do)and then hell say hes sorry!help me,i need to change and not be so submissive.please help

Answer 1

You can change your role, but it won't be easy. In order to change it, you have to accept a fundamental truth: when your husband gets upset, it's HIS problem, NOT yours. As matters stand right now, he is trying to make his anger your problem, and by bowing to him and apologizing, you are letting him.

What are you afraid of? If the worst he does is cuss and scream, just think of him as a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum and ignore it.

Then, begin to behave in a way that is consistent with believing that what he screams at you is what he really believes. So, do him no favors. Don't buy him what he wants at the store, and when he "snaps" oh well. Don't wake him up in the morning at all -- let him be late. In other words, stop acting like you can win his love and admiration, because you have already proven that you can't. He must either love you for you, or not at all. It falls to you to force him to make that choice.

Answer 2

Exactly, YOU need to change. Just change, there shouldn't be a problem with that. It's not necessary to find out if he says sorry in an honest way or not, it's necessary to find out, why you take what you are being giving.

Most likely if you stop taking, they will stop giving you what you are getting. You are clearly in a verbal abusive relationship and for what you are describing, you are the victim. The only way to stop abuse, is stop being a victim.

One day you will say "enough" and that's the day you wont take it anymore, is either the respect you would like to have, or let him go, but the day you say "enough" and you mean it, that's the day you wont be a doormat anymore, and you will be the person you would like to be. One who wont have the worries you have, and will demand the same respect you give. The other person, I don't know, may learn to be respectfully, or most likely like it happens in most cases, will find one just like you, that takes everything.

Just thinking you have a child growing up in your house. That's a change that must-happen, respect from him, or open the door and let him go. The plan is not negotiable, just 2 choices, but that's what I would do.

And about changing the role in your relationship, it sounds like the role of an actress, the answer is yes, you can, whenever you want. You entered the scenario and just took that role, nobody gave it to you, so I guess you can quit whenever you want, today if that's what you would like to do.

Answer 3

OK - you won't get this direct advice an where else but I seriously suggest this is what you do in the short term. Read everything you can about Borderline Personality Disorder. (It is one of a triad of connected personality disorders). The guidance on dealing with people with this disorder will be the most practical guidance you can get with dealing with the difficult behavior you notice in your husband. You could waste a lot of time in counselling - it is not you that has the problem. All you need is practical strategies to deal with what you experience. If you can, get a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshellls and the accompanying workbook by Randi Kreger. Good luck, remember you are not alone and there is help out here.

Answer 4

You are suffering from verbal abuse. As hard as that is to admit, his behavior isn't acceptable. You don't intentionally hurt the ones you truly love. Not physically, not verbally, not emotionally. You shouldn't feel like you have to change, because of his behavior. Being more dominant may help or it could push him further...it would definitely give you insight to what you are really dealing with but that is a huge gamble to take when dealing with further abuse when children are involved. You should seek professional help for the both of you.
www.drirene.com; cheesy, but has some very good information.

Answer 5

It sounds like he has anger problems, but like a lot of relationships you are having issue here too.

You are seeing things at the extremes....go back and read you own words --- how often are you using absolute or extreme terms to describe things even to the point of contradiction (read your first sentance). If this is how you perceive and react to daily things you will be very difficult to be around. You are in a bad place emotionally. Please get away from him and seek some therapy.

YOUR WORDS...
very loving...he's always most of the time...breaks my heart...scared...so unpredictable...scared ...scare ...gonna snap...a doormat....submissive...i cry every day...cursing and screaming...shut up.... useless.... hurts the most...wont ever ....i have to... ...help me,i need to ...submissive....help

Answer 6

Welcome to marriage once you get divorced learn your lesson and never get married again. Here are the facts of life you need for the future:

1. There is no Santa
2. There might be a Bigfoot
3. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
4. Marriage ruins relationships (moving in is the same)
5. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
6. Life is not fair

Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me
if you want to hear the truth. You can ask me anything.
I don't lie.

Answer 7

My dear..you have allowed him to use you as a doormat. That is exactly what you are to him by the sounds of it. You need to sit him down with a third party present and explain what has gone on...how it makes you feel..and what you are not willing to tolerate any more. Give him goals to reach in this relationship to improve things on his end and make sure he knows you are dead serious that you will carry through with whatever means necessary to stop this abuse because this is very abusive to you. Stop being a submissive child and grow up..take control and stand up for yourself!

Answer 8

People that are easily irritated can possibly be suffering from depression. Does your husband display any other symptoms like withdrawal, loss of interest in the things he enjoyed before, drinking or drug use? It is possible. However I doubt he would submit to a psychiatric exam. Remember verbal abuse is just as harmful as any other type of abuse. If things get any worse you may force him into getting help by threatening a restraining order. That usually gets their attention. You definitely help outside help, I don't think you are able to handle this alone.

Answer 9

I feel for you - I got the same treatment plus physical abuse in my previous marriage. Your guy needs to grow up & stop with the temper tantrums. Especially since there's a child involved! If he has anger management problems, he may need some professional help. You don't deserve to be spoken to that way.

Answer 10

First off you need to ask yourself what his temper is about. Sounds like he has anger management problems. Thats alot for anyone to deal with. You always feel like your walking on eggshells. We teach people how to treat us. You have a pattern going on here. The only way to change is to stop doing the things you are doing. First, don't apologize!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is on a power trip. Don't give it to him. Its not good for him or you. Find other things you can do that will make you feel better about yourself.