Death.
Flames and crosses,
That burns the soul,
Didn’t come from that black hole,
Knives and blades,
To cut and scar,
Didn’t come from afar,
Ropes and chains to buckle and tie,
Didn’t come from that black sky,
Goodnight my friend,
To sleep and dream,
Tomorrow won’t come,
As it did seem.
2007-12-13 00:00:40 · 9 answers · asked by kissaled 5 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
While the images are very dark and vivid, this poem still has some sense of sweetness about that comes from the last four lines.I love the dichotomy. This works on more than one level, which makes it very interesting and worth reading over and over. Really good.
2007-12-13 02:40:12 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Okay, I can't help but offer a word or two of critique... "flames and crosses" don't "burns" the soul, they "burn" the soul. I don't know about the last line... "as it did seem" seems a little forced. Is there a way you might reword that to sound a little more natural? ...."as it may once have seemed" sounds more natural to me, for instance.
I after reading it a time or two, I actually kinda like it. The implication that death doesn't come from "out there" but from near-by or even from within... that's been a pretty big theme in my life. I've always wrestled with self-violence and suicide, especially in my younger years, so I'd have to say "good job!"
To *my* tastes, I would prefer a little bit more scansion; some more attention payed to the number of syllables per line, or a careful choice of words that would establish some kind of underlying beat. You have a great structure going - some fine tuning might help enhance that.
Keep writing!
Saul
2007-12-13 04:23:53 · answer #2 · answered by Saul 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Certainly could be perceived as "dark"; BUT I might have created a line or two that stated some assumption; or even a vague belief about AFTER. You stayed away from assuming anything of a positive nature, regarding AFTER, and that's acceptable too, since no one can truly know, while alive.
Actually, and in my opinion, the last four lines have the most impact. You've stated "friendship, and the obvious, and yet still not "assumed" the beyond.
It works for me.
Steven Wolf
2007-12-13 00:12:52 · answer #3 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Pure Genious!
2007-12-13 00:23:06 · answer #4 · answered by John F 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like it - it sounds like Egar Allen Poe - morbid
however it's brief to the point and expresses the thoughts of death and anger- the important thing is you definitely get your your point across.
2007-12-13 07:39:58 · answer #5 · answered by yankidee_1 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I have to say this poem is intellectually fantastic. It examines the emotion of people who watch family members waste away through disease and so on, well done.
2007-12-13 00:13:02 · answer #6 · answered by CATH f 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Very pretty Kissaled.
2007-12-13 00:11:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's very sad but I rate it A-one!
2007-12-13 00:56:05 · answer #8 · answered by Poch_P 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I love it! It is very dark, and very true, both at once!
2007-12-13 01:25:42 · answer #9 · answered by Mercutia 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋