Love poem.?

Question

I'm definitely not a love poem writer (or any kind of poet, it's just a hobby), and I'm just a little shy about posting this one up here. I wrote this one for my girlfriend as a Christmas present. This is the first "happy" poem that I have ever wrote. Generally, happiness is not a feeling that I can express in words. I believe that it is much easier to express hate and suffering and basically all negative emotions, because once I tap into them, they just flow.

Anyway, with all of that being said and all of your time that you spent reading that small rant wasted, here it is. Criticism is always accepted. Give me some honest opinions people.

Grace


I. The Impression

I still remember very clear
The first time that I saw my dear.
Exactly then I already knew
That I wanted to be with you.
Very beautiful and slightly shy
You immediately caught my eye
With such a sweet and beautiful face
Always and forever my baby Grace.

II. The Cause

I've never met another like you-
Caring, honest, rare, and true.
Always you've been there for me
Even when you didn't have to be.
Even when I've let you down
You have always been around
To help me make it through the day
In your loving, caring way.

III. The Effect

I'll do anything to make you smile
Your happiness is worth my while.
You'll never know how much your kiss
Puts me in a state of bliss
Where everything's perfect in my eye,
And in that joy I could nearly cry
Because in my heart I truly know
That I've been hit with arrow and bow.
I could tell you again and again
That I love you, but that can't begin
To explain the way you make me feel.
This awesome force must be unreal.

IV. The Dependence

All day, all night, I think of you
And I don't know what I would do
Without you in my life today.
My sadness would never fade away.
You've made me see what I need.
You've made me forget my selfish greed.
You've changed my life for the best.
You've helped me pass my mental tests.
You've made me completely change.
You've made my thoughts rearrange.
You give my thoughts clarity.
You always make me feel happy.
You quell all my nightmares and fears.
You're the dam stopping my tears.
You're the only one who cares.
You're the only one out there.
You're the reason why my heart beats.
You're the reason why I'm me.

V. The Promise

Through all time you will have my heart
Whether we are together or apart,
Because in my heart you will always be
Right here standing beside me.
Nothing will ever separate us
Or put our love on hiatus.
I've just got one more thing to say
To you in this special way
These last words are very true
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Yeah it's my first happy poem. I don't even write that often, I usually keep my peoms in my head.

neeraj the crespo, ♥ Tiffy ♥ is right about that. If you could ever feel for anyone how I feel for her, you would understand that comparison to anything is not needed, and honest comparison between her and any kind of image is impossible. I'm not trying to visually stimulate anyone here, I'm simply expressing my emotions.

Answer 1

hmmm ... what a really beautiful poem ... if I were the one who received it, I would certainly cry to read it! she's so lucky to have you, dear. merry christmas to you and your girl friend.

Answer 2

As far as poems to girlfriends go, this is very well written. Some of the other comments you received are also correct, but you're not submitting this in a contest, you wrote it for your love, and the fact that a man wrote this for his woman puts you in the minority...a very good and very much desired minority...of men who find a way to express what's in their heart without fear of losing their masculinity.

On a poetic level, if you wanted to "improve" the poem itself, I'd suggest you have someone read it to you out loud with you just listening and taking notes. Don't correct their speech pattern, just listen for the parts that lose the beat, don't have the right flow, sound a little forced or contrived, etc. I can tell you have a good ear, especially for a beginner, so you should be able to hear the parts that need work. However, since you've already given her this poem, I'd suggest you DON'T edit it, but write another for poetry's sake. You should keep the one you gave her intact, because any revision would imply it was flawed, and you don't want her to think that her poem was flawed :)

Anger, hatred, etc., are always easier because they are considered masculine emotions and there is less resistance to express them...yet, if you can get past the machismo of what others think a "man" should write about, you'll find that there is real power in what is considered the "softer" or more feminine emotions. Which are you more likely to do: shoot someone you hate or step between your love and a bullet? Love is the stronger, more powerful emotion and if you let yourself 'be' yourself, you'll be able to write some beautiful poetry with a clear conscience.

keep writing

Answer 3

When I think of poetry I think about evoking a mood, I think of poetry being a way to attempt to express something that normal language finds it difficult or impossible to say. I think of poetry as a door to a new perception - it helps you think it new ways, to look at something in a new way.

For a first poem, it is not bad. You say a lot of very nice things, I like the whole chapter heading thing because it adds meaning, and in general when I read your poem I think it's very nice. I'm sure your girlfriend will be ecstatic - it says very directly how you feel, it touches on what you've experienced, and affirms your love for her. Success!

But this is just the beginning for you, there's a wide world of poetic expression out there.

Look, Tiffy? You don't know what you're talking about. I love my unborn child more than anything in the entire world, but if I just tell you that it really doesn't tell you anything, does it? What if I told you that being away from her is like having my arm removed? What if I told you that I wait for her like the frozen spring waits for spring thaw, that i feel chips of ice nestled in my heart, but when I feel her heat I feel the warmth of summers to come and the promise of free-flowing joy?

Hmmph. Back to the topic.

Look, you have nothing to be ashamed of with this poem. My advice to you is to keep on writing, to learn how to evoke new images and new thoughts and new feelings with different words, different rhyme schemes (or none at all!), and how to work with metaphors and analogies. Just like Jesus taught his spiritual messages in the form of parables familiar to his disciples, a poet speaks to the listener with things that the listener understands. We all understand nature to some degree - we live in it. That's one way to evoke feelings and moods and to convey your message.

A lot of the other answers have given some good advice, but the most important thing to do is NOT STOP. Keep writing, even if you never share what you write with anyone else. Of everything I've ever written, 99% of it has never been shared - and that's okay. But that has helped the 1% I have shared to be that much better.

Oh yeah... and you don't have to be published to be a poet, or to be poetic. Many of the greatest poets throughout history never had a single poem published in their lifetime!!! So if someone tries to put you down, shrug it off.... if this is how you feel comfortable expressing yourself, then do it!

PS Now that you've tried tackling happiness, how about trying to tackle something completely different? Pick a random topic and try to write a poem about it. "Stretch" your poetic muscles. If you limit yourself by only writing 'this way' or 'that way' you risk never getting any better.


Saul

Answer 4

Obviously very personally directed; and plain in your truth/beliefs. I see no reason to critisize anything about it/them; OR for you to be self critical.

I suspect; no matter your current situation; these are meant to be "medicinal" as much as your dark work. I also assume they will have some impact on her; in a more positive way.

I wish you well; in any positive results.

Steven Wolf

Answer 5

I think if someone makes you feel all that then thats great. I really liked them all keep it up it's better to love then to feel hate.

Answer 6

Ummm wow... I'm speechless. Very deep and I must say amazing how it's your first happy poem and yet it's written very well. WOW... she's definately bitten you with the love bug :-)

EDIT: This poem is for your GF who KNOWS what you are saying cuz she's been through it all with you. Therefor you wouldn't need to compare her or your love to things in nature.

Answer 7

BAsic, long winded and grammatically awkward, it flows neatly enough and, but it is hard for the reader to finish, evokes thoguhts and feelings god enough, however I don't find it pleasing.

Answer 8

This is beautiful! I love it and I know she will to.

Answer 9

omg its so beautiful beautifuly writein are you sure you never wrote a love pome before :)

Answer 10

Heyy,, that was brilliant i dont think you need any more ideas you are so sweet..x