howdya like my poem?

Question

uhh this is the first poem i've ever written and i have no idea what to think of it. be brutal.

perhaps

perhaps the layers will peel themselves
and six years from now will come tomorrow
in the yellow morning
blinded bright cold on a bright hill
painted blue
remember this day here with me
and the days far away
the ones still to come
for the blue will fade from
the beginning that i was
and what remains is like the old song
that tells the tale of six years before
and what we have now
like a yellow chapter in a yellow song
that lasts eleven minutes instead of four
perhaps

Answer 1

It's interesting.

I don't think that it flows like a poem should.
In fact it seems more like a song to me.

Interested in writing a song?

Answer 2

I like the idea of the layers peeling themselves; it gives the feeling of a slow but inexorable revelation of time. Also, you use colors, an excellent device. I'm a bit confused about the eleven minutes instead of four, but love the idea that you don't resolve the problem and instead end with "perhaps." For a first poem this is wonderful. I'd like to see some capitalization, punctuation, and division into stanzas, but that's technical, not literary stuff. Please keep writing.

Answer 3

pretty neat. might i suggest you switch the word "chapter" to something like "chorus" or "verse" in the 3rd last line...? just that it might made more sense seeing as the last yellow thing you talk about that is yellow is the word "song" and it might fit a little better. unless you switched "song" to "book"- - i like "song" better though.- but if there is a specific reason that you put chapter" thabn of course leave it be.

;)

Answer 4

I like how this poem tells a story, it hides the fact that it doesn't really rhyme. Which is OK, as long as it makes some sort of sense. So, I guess that means that your poem is pretty good.

Answer 5

A bit repetitive - the message is obscured - only the colors have been changed to protect the innocent reader.

Answer 6

ur first poem?!? it's mad good!! i'm guessing it tells some story? sounds like it. it's rlly good. keep it up.

Answer 7

It's really good!

Answer 8

THAT WAS SO...............................................


AWESOME