Is it okay to have phone sex if you have hinted to your wife about your kink and its clear you would lose man?

Question

points with her if you told her about it ? Is it that wrong to want to keep my good image and not expose her to an embarassing fetish?

We have been very happily married for almost 6 years !

Answer 1

Since when did phone sex become a fetish?

You know what's "wrong" with it, or you wouldn't be trying to justify your behavior. You are a married man, and its cheating. If your wife deserves to be married to a lying cheat, then keep right on doing it. But if you are using that as an excuse, then knock it off.

Hinting isn't telling, and she's not a mind reader. Tell her, and ask her to participate by calling you, even from the other room. You could make this very hot if you tried.

And honey, "happily" married isn't doing something behind your wife's back.

Answer 2

This is a very very VERY delicate situation. The best scenario is for you to be honest with her about your desire and have her accept it. Don't Ask, Don't Tell may work for some people, but it can lead to misunderstandings and assumptions that can bite you both in the butt some time down the line. Relying upon hints can easily lead to trouble.

Someone earlier mentioned porn. My current partner has a rule of thumb regarding her partner watching porn. If the use of porn ends up being instead of the relationship, a way of avoiding intimacy, then it is a problem. If, on the other hand, the porn is used "to fill in the gaps" (time when the two can't get together for one reason or another), or as an enhancement (such as building the "appetite"), then it can work within a relationship. Another way to look at any "kink" that the partner does not share is if by expressing that kink safely, the person is able to be more present with their partner, rather than pressuring the partner, or being distracted by "what is missing."

If your phone sex activities are distracting from intimacy with your wife, you probably need to take a critical look at your priorities. If, on the other hand, it is helping you to be more present and intimate with your wife, you might want to find a way to make it work. This means being as honest with you can, both with yourself (to know that it is truly helping the two of you) and with her. IF you can approach her honestly, it will be better in the long run.

Since you're considering your phone sex an embarrassing fetish, you are talking more about some sort of phone fantasy play rather than actual phone sex? Perhaps something along the lines of BDSM or some such? Is it a D/s interest that your wife can't relate to?

In the BDSM community, they recognize a phenomenon they call "Vanilla Spouse Syndrome." That is when one member of a couple has some strong BDSM leanings while their partner does not. With honesty, communication, trust, and respect, it is possible for a mixed BDSM/Vanilla couple to make it work. That respect goes for you as well. If you consider your kink embarrassing, it will be difficult for you to express it in a way she will understand and accept.

Sometimes the Vanilla spouse doesn't want to know the details. They may only want the promise that the "kinky" spouse will "Play Safe." In this case, the DADT may work if the two make sure that respect and trust are maintained.

I was in a DADT relationship with my ex-wife. We were in an open relationship (we were living with her boyfriend). Unfortunately, we had already drifted apart though I didn't realize it at the time. Her trust and respect had actually been damaged over non-sexual issues, over dealings with my parents and my daughter from a previous marriage. Without that trust and respect, it was only a matter of time and my life with her and without her could not coexist.

Good luck to you and your wife in this.

Answer 3

Like others, I admit to being curious about whether you are seeing phone sex, per se, as a "kink." No matter whether it's the phone sex you consider kinky, or if you have some other kink you didn't name, I think one of the issues is that YOU find it "embarrassing." Certainly you're not likely to get your wife to participate if that's how you feel about it. However, if you are able to work on this issue yourself, and are able to accept your "kink" as a normal part of human expression (and almost all of them are, ultimately), then you may be able to go to your wife and present it as "here is something I find sexy and exciting; would you do this with me?" I think most wives would be happy to do something for their husbands that the man found "exciting" whereas something "embarrassing" would not be attractive.

Speaking directly with her about it is probably the best bet. Even if you aren't "technically cheating," (it's debatable, for sure) your discomfort in sharing this with her shows that you are not feeling 100% good about doing it. Again, if you are at all uncomfortable, that will be communicated to your wife, and therefore *she* will almost certainly consider it to be "cheating." If you aren't honest with her, you are putting your 6 year marriage at risk. Is it worth it, just to avoid talking with her about it, straight up?

Even if she's not interested in participating in your "kink," all may not be lost, BTW. One spouse having a kink and the other not being interested in it is a very common situation; it's common enough that the kink community has a term for it: "Vanilla Spouse Syndrome." Usually the way I've heard of people dealing with it is with a modified Don't Ask/Don't Tell agreement, where the "vanilla" spouse knows that the general activities are happening, there's an agreement about safety (especially safer sex), but they don't have to hear about any of the details. I don't normally recommend DADT agreements (it's awfully easy for them to devolve into cheating), but it can work as long as the vanilla spouse has given their ok and the kinky spouse is conscientious about keeping to the agreements made.

One last comment--if you want to talk with someone about these issues, to work through your embarrassment, or to discuss how best to present your request to your wife, you might want to talk to a professional counselor about it, specifically one knowledgeable about sex and kink issues. I'm including a link to a great list of Kink-Aware Professionals, should you wish to look for such a person.

Best wishes in your journey!

Answer 4

if your talking about having phone sex with your wife then fine. If you are talking about phone sex with someone else that is cheating and you should get help for this addiction and stop doing something that is disrespectful and selfish really if you must do this you need to seek therapy really your cheating on your wife and jeopardizing the last six yrs of your marriage.

Please Grow up if you are happy in marriage you would not have to have phone sex with another woman.

Really though if your talking about doing it with the wife I do it to talking dirty once in awhile is naughty but make you feel good.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 5

All of us have some kind of fetish, hiding it from your wife could only cause problems. Having phone sex could lead to other things and t his you do not want ( I dont think anyways) find out what her fetish is and work together on pleasing one another

Answer 6

she probably already knew and just didn't say anything thinking on the lines of u maybe keeping dirty magazines in the garage. If ur happily married and she's not complaining, don't worry about it and don't bring it up.

Answer 7

Just tell her and ask her to participate. Don't have phone sex with anyone else. Most women would see that as a violation of their marriage vows. You may be suprised. It may be just what yall needed to spice things up again.

Answer 8

I'd just like to say "Hi, I'm angelbaby, and I'm a phone sex virgin!" LOL Let's just say you guys have certainly opened my eyes a bit wider this morning!

Answer 9

She has been happily married for 6 years cause she doesn't know your addiction... if she finds out she would be very disappointed & feeling cheated... cause that's what you do... so your happy marriage may end up in divorce.

Answer 10

if you want to have phone sex with your wife then talk to her about your fetish. But if you are having phone sex with other women, then that is considered cheating.