Why would he turn me down for sex? Guys please answer too.?

Question

My husband and I have been married or a few years. I am attractive, slim, and as he says Im triple X dirtry in the bedroom, I love to please, Im a very sensual and sexual person, why does he turn me down when I want it? Not always , but more times than not. It hurts me and confuses me. Even when I want to do one of his favorite things...oral sex. I dont understand.

I am adding a few details to answer some of the answers I got,
We dont have sex that often anyway....it has been this way for a long time now, tired isnt cutting it anymore. I usually pleasure myself because we hardly do anything, once or twice, maybe 3 times a month isnt very much in my opinion. I have tried talking to him lots of times, he just feeds excuses that I dont believe anymore.

im 29 and he is 35

Answer 1

As hard as it can be to believe sometimes, remember that it probably isn't your fault.

Ivillage has a decent message board that is kind of like an online support group. You might want to check it out. Sometimes it helps to know you are not alone:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing

There can be a ton of reasons why your husband isn't interested anymore. Your husband may not know the reason himself.

Some possibilities:

1. Depression
2. Stress (maybe the lack of sleep, worries about money, hates his job, feels trapped in your marriage, etc... this would be my first guess)
3. Alcohol or drug problem
4. Hormone/chemical changes in him due to weight gain or age
5. He has a mistress
6. Maybe he has ED and is embarassed to talk about it
7. Perhaps he has another medical condition he doesn't want to talk about (When my wife and I were dating, I went on a business trip to Haiti. I was always faithful to her. However, when I came back, all of a sudden I had itching and burning in my ...... well, I'm sure you know where. How was I supposed to tell my gf that I had this problem and make her believe I didn't cheat? I told her the truth and she believed me. However, I guess the women in her office were talking bets as to whether I would have anything show up in my STD screen...which was all negative. It ended up it was the first symptom of some sickness/disease that had me terribly (almost deathly) ill for 3 months. They never did figure out what it was)
8. Lost interest in your relationship/fell out of love with you (I hope this isn't the case, but it has to be said)
9. Side effects to prescription meds
10. Maybe he is a homosexual that was in denial when you were married
11. Poor diet
12. Past mental trauma (abuse, scared of sex from being denied repeatedly or having sex demonized for some reason)
13. Some other addiction (porn, gambling, TV)
14. Spends energy elsewhere (works too much, plays sports too much, obcesses with hunting or fishing)
15. Do you have children? (that can create a whole new set of reasons there)

There are many more reasons I am sure. I would just talk to him and have a heart to heart. Let him know how the isolation feels to you and the rejection when you try to initiate. The answer maybe I don't know, but if it is, see if he would be willing to see a doctor or a shrink to figure the problem out.

I wish you the best and hope that things work out for you.

Answer 2

You don't say whether he's always been this way with you, or if if's a sudden change. If he's always been that way, it's doubtful he'll change; you're just mismatched in that area and you have to decide whether the rest of the relationship is good enough to justify continuing it. Drugs, both the therapeutic and recreational kind, can wreak havoc on the libido. Antidepressants, for instance, can reduce sex drive. Alcoholism too. You imply that he's withholding sex just to make you feel bad. C'mon, now! Is that really the case? Is his motive really to torture you? I think that's unlikely. He's probably as troubled as you over this difference in your respective sex-drive levels. A mature way to solve the problem is to talk it over in a neutral atmosphere. You're not going to fix the problem by climbing into bed and complaining there and then about how nothing's happening. Go to a nice, quiet restaurant, or take a drive together--somewhere there's no possibility of actual sex taking place, so as to take off the pressure--and gently bring up the topic. Try to be as attentive and as patient as you possibly can, and he may open up to you. You might hear something you don't want to hear, so be ready for anything.

Answer 3

Does he work in a high stress job? Or work a lot of hours?

I know stress and being tired can have an affect on a man's sex drive. I know it's happened to me. At the time it happened to me, I was working in a job that was causing me a lot of stress, and I would come home stressed and tired, and it really took it's toll on me in the bedroom, because my wife would want to make love, and I was either too tired, or I couldn't keep an erection. So if he's really tired or stressed it could be affecting his sex drive.

I think what might help for you, is both of you plan a weekend get away, something where you both can just have time together where you can concentrate on each other, also get plenty of rest. I know when I've been stressed, my wife and I have tried that, and it's really done wonders for us.

Hope that this helps.

Merry Christmas

Answer 4

I have to tell you I never would have believed this possible either. Right after we got married it happened. My husband came up with more excuses that there are people in the world. He only wants sex when he wants it, never when I want it unless of course it accidentally happens to be at the same time.
I believe it could be a control issue. I don't quite understand it but it seems that he (my husband) wants to direct everything. For example one day he wants to go to the store with me. We have no plans but he wakes up and says, "Get up, get ready and we will go." If I were to say it to him he would say, "Ok but later." Basically the same thing if I showed him I wanted sex. Always later.
Look at your life with him and see if there are other circumstances where he acts like that. If so then you might be able to find out why he does that in bed too.
It could be that he feels that you are in control of so much in the house, money? what he eats? what he wears? I don't know... but this might be an area that he wants to control.
I have been married for 5 years and it only got worse. I talked with him and talked with him finally, I just stopped wanting it. Literally, my body stopped. He still has sex when he wants it but I no longer care. Sorry I have no hope on this one.
Talk to him about it and don't stop. Explain to him what you see but use things like "I feel confused when I ask for sex and you don't want it." Instead of "Why don't you want sex with me?" one is accusatory the other is explaining.

Answer 5

I hate to pry, but this makes no sense whatsoever. How is the rest of the marriage? Guys are like women in that if something is wrong and we cannot feel close to someone, we have trouble with sex. It could also be some medical difficulties with him too....

My god, I hope I am someday lucky enough to find a woman like you! Ahh, but all the good ones are taken.....

Answer 6

Maybe he just doesn't have as high a sex drive as you. I was just dating a girl like that - she needed more sex than I did. It's very hurtful for women b/c they are conditioned to believe that guys want as much sex as they can get . . . this is not true!! It could be a stressful job, or even chemical (low testosterone) How often do you have sex?

Answer 7

Sounds to me like you're making yourself TOO available. Try dressing extra sexy and kissing him goodbye. When he asks where you're going tell him you're meeting a couple of girlfriends for a drink and not to wait up. Sometimes the fear of loss is a much more powerful incentive then the possibility of gain!

Answer 8

He is in downtime. Soon will recover. If he is tired, offer him energy drink. Listin to music istead of TV.

Answer 9

More than likely tired.

If this occurs multiple times, I would begin to consider that he may be bored.

Answer 10

I would have to worry that maybe he is getting it elsewhere. I certainly hope not but it is hard to fathom *any* guy turning down oral sex *ever*