Couples: Is it better to solve relationship problems immediately, or take a break?

Question

It seems my significant other and I have different ways of solving negative issues.

He will withdraw into his shell and wait til morning. I'll want to fix the problem now or at least know everything will be alright sooner then later.

Is there a "right" way? How do you handle it?

Answer 1

Women tend to act the way you do and men tend to act the way he does. The best way is to compromise in this situation. Bug him a bit then since you know he is going to wait till later to work it out let him. Once tempers are cooled it is easier to see the problem anyway instead of reacting while hot under the collar.

Answer 2

I am the type that needs some time to think things through, so I guess you could say I withdraw myself to a point. I don't scream and yell either, unless something unforgivable happens. I also don't believe in letting it go for too long. They say you should not let it go past 24 hours. Some people who will yell instantly, may say things in the heat of the moment they don't mean. Once words are spoken, they can never be taken back and can cut deep. I tend to need to get away for a short bit, when I get upset or angry, like take a drive or a walk to just clear my head. Never name call or insult each other and remain respectful enough to give the time necessary and then discuss how you are feeling about it and how to best solve it. Everyone is different and it is about learning that person and what they need. In your situation, if he likes to wait until the next day and you like to solve it then, you could compromise and agree to give him a few hours to himself and then discuss it. That way you won't have to wait as long and he still gets some time to think things through. It's about finding a common ground, I think. Best wishes!

Answer 3

Although this is not a "mean" answer, I don't think it's what you want to hear... It is hard to control your emotions, and by your own words, "I'm not the type of person that can just walk away from something when I'm upset. I have to deal with it NOW. Which, I know is one of the reasons that get me in trouble." You have to change the way you function. If you learn to control those emotional responses at all times they won't escalate so badly during your PMDD. It's easy to just say I can't control it or to take a pill for it, it's hard to really examine yourself and make a change. The harder you work at something the more rewarding the outcome.

Answer 4

Whenever my husband and I argue about anything he decides right in the middle of it he is done, and stops talking about it and is perfectly fine, while I am still heated up about it and nothing is fixed. I make him talk about it and fix it right then and there other wise I will be upset, pissy, grouchy for days, and I know he wont like that.
I feel its better to get things overwith, and make up right away. Even when I get really mad at him a make sure to take a moment and tell him that I love him, and try to calm down and explain to him how I am feeling. He deals with things in ways I can't even begin to understand, so I just have to understand the fact that we are VERY different, and try to stay calm.

Answer 5

You just described my husband of almost 20 years and I! :-) When I get upset, I want the problem fixed, and NOW. I HATE going to bed with unresolved issues, especially between my husband and I. But he can't resolve issues while he's still upset over them, he just can't. He's very deliberate in that area, he won't make a decision about anything while he's upset. So, we've had to compromise over the years. What we do now is this, when we're having an arguement, and it's late, and we really need to get to sleep in order to be able to function the next morning, my husband will usually stop me mid sentence. He'll point out the obvious, that we have to be functioning adults in X hours, and could we please agree to disagree for the time being. He'll reassure me he still loves me, he's not leaving or anything stupid like that, but he just wants to go to sleep so he's not a zombie the next day. He'll make certain to hug and kiss me, so that I feel somewhat better about things, then he'll usually go to sleep. Sometimes I'll go to sleep, sometimes I won't, it depends.

He's had to learn to come out of his shell long enough to reassure me that all will eventually be ok, and I've had to learn to be patient with him, and allow him to mull over things on his own.

And, don't think we do this perfectly every time either--we don't. There are times I grab my pillow and head for the guest room faster than you can say guest room, or he does. I've learned there really isn't one "right" way, it's what's the right way for you as a couple. If you're really concerned about it, marriage counseling might help you guys figure out a solution that will work (sometimes) for you. Good luck!

Answer 6

I think the best thing to do is when conflict comes up, the quicker the 2 of you work to resolve the conflict the better, and once it's resolved drop it. The more you wait, it can cause anger and bitterness, and then end up blowing up into a big huge fight over something that may not have been that big to begin with.

The reason I say once it's resolved to drop it, is because it's stupid to keep rehashing the same things over and over if it's been resolved, and also if your spouse has done something and you say you've forgiven them for it, but keep hanging it over their head, you never really forgave them for it.

I think it's best to resolve the issue as soon as possible.

It says in the Bible: Don't let the sun set on your anger.

Some good advice my wife and I got when we got married was don't go to bed angry.

And it's great advice.

Answer 7

yes most men do like to wait this i learned in counsling with my hubby. if you feel so strong and you need to get out how you feel make a rule that he has so many hours (somthign you both agree on) to think it over and cool off and you take that time to organize your thoughts then meet and talk things out. one thing is to make a saying or word that if one of you says it you know to stop and take a two minute break form the convo. Yes taking the time is best women often times hate to do that I am a fix it now type of gal and it kills me but our conversations are so much more productive with rules we agree on and structure. Hope that helps. and understand it's not uncommon for the roles to be that way good luck :)

Answer 8

Personally I like to handle the situation as soon as possible, otherwise it just FESTERS. Although waiting til the morning isn't all that bad. It will give both of you time to COOL OFF. Now if you're talking about "taking a break" as in time away from eachother like days, weeks, or months. HELL NO! I'm totally against that.

Answer 9

24 hours is too long a break to solve an issue. Never sleep angry. That's basically the rule of thumb in relationships. But it really depends on the gravity of the issue. Petty issues should be resolved immediately while heavy issues should be thoroughly thought through - meaning - as long as the issue is resolved - its good. But try not to pressure him into resolving something immediately - rushed decisions are usually not good ones.

Answer 10

It is not wise to let things sit and fester, nothing is accomplished that way, it will only make it worse and harder to straighten out because you both end up becoming awkward or people get hurt. Try your best to work it out as it's happening. Learn to accept the things that you can not change and compromise on everything else. Never go to bed with an argument or misunderstanding between you and the one that you love.