My fiance is telling everyone I wouldn't make a good wife and mother because I want to work????

Question

This has come up before. I make 60k a year in the computer field. He also makes 60k in the heating and air conditioning business. This issue did come up before we got engaged, but I brushed it off because I am not going to quit my job for him. It hurts me alot when he says I am not a 'good woman' because I want to work. But I had this job when he proposed. What makes him think I am going to quit my job and 'take care of him' in 1950s fashion? He hasn't graduated high school and I have a college degree. Could this have something to do with it? Does he feel inferior? Do I threaten him? It just hurts. Is this a general feeling of most men looking for a wife - that she doesn't have a good job or career?
I also NEVER EVER throw it in his face that I have a degree and he doesn't. In fact, I truely believe he is a genius and I tell him all the time. He just didn't graduate for whatever reason.

Answer 1

He's a misogynist and doesn't respect you. My mother worked full time, went to graduate school part time and is a damn good mother and if you ask my dad, a damn good woman. Personally, I think women who stay at home with their children and do not have careers are not great mothers because they are giving their children the idea that it's okay not to work and it's okay not to contribute to society in any significant way. I wouldn't marry a man like your fiance. I suggest running and running fast!!

Answer 2

The two of you really need to sit down and talk or see someone who may be able to help. Just because you work does not mean that you would not be a good wife or mother. Has he even asked if you would be willing to take time off to have a child and more importantly...are you will to do this? Right now you may not want to give up your work but after you have a baby you may prefer to take some time off to be home with the baby. Either way...a lot of women work and still make a home for their husband and children. If you are both working you just have to both chip in and help get things done around home and to take care of the children. I most definitely would not say "I do" until this issue is resolved between the two of you. If it isn't resolved before then most likely you will have marital problems later.

Answer 3

GET RID OF HIM!!!!

Just because you work does not mean you will be a bad mother. My mom worked by whole life and I turned out fine. I actually admire her ability to be such a strong person and make family and her career work for her.

You are very right, this is not the 1950's. Plus, it seems like your Fi is placing the responsiblity of childrearing soley on you. Well, it takes two to tango and make the baby and two people to raise it.

Ask him if he's willing to quit HIS job to be a Stay Home Dad. After all, that's acceptable now-a-days, right? Well, maybe probably not in his mindset.

You seem like a smart women. One who has a good head on her shoulders and the ability to have a career and be a good mom.

However, what makes a successful working mother is the support system around her. The father needs to be equally as involved as the mother. He can't expect you to work all day and take care of the kids, while he enjoy Monday Night Football after work. That's not fair. It seems like that the life he wants. Which just isn't fair. It's not fair to you, or your marriage (which is a patnership) and it's not fair to your future children. I mean, is mom the only influence in a child's life. No, dad is too.

Please, don't marry him. There are lots of men who admiring a women's ambition and goals to work and raise children. These men also want families, but realize that marriage is a patnership. Both parties need to work together and request each other dreams, goals and needs. Your need is to work outside the home. That's OK. Not all women (myself included) have the patiences to stay at home all day.

That does NOT make you a bad person. Get rid of this unsupportive and controlling person.

Answer 4

It sounds like he may have been raised like my husband where the woman/mother stays home and takes care of the house and children while the man goes to work. It also sounds as if he might be a little jealous of the fact that you do have a degree and are making the same amount of money as he is and he knows that you could make more than him and advance at your job faster than him because of your degree. Sit down and talk to him and see if the two of you can't come to some sort of compromise. Say like when you get married you'll continue working until the two of you decide to have children and then once you have a baby you'll take a year off work to stay at home with the baby while he promises to go to night school to further his education so he can advance his career as well. Then when you do go back to work you'll go back part time until the baby is in the 1st grade. Try that and see what he says. There has to be a compromise somewhere.

Answer 5

He should actually be happy & proud of you for wanting to work even w/all the other matters you'll have to juggle. What would it matter period if you still wanted to work, you wouldn't be "taking" from the relationship you'd be adding to itl I give you credit for your intentions! Actually, I feel it might just be a jealousy factor. There surely can't be any other reason. Maybe try to point out to him how much of an asset it would be w/both of your combined incomes. You're not trying to "upstage" him or make him feel lessor of a man. You'd be doing this for the added gain you both would benefit by it. To be honest, I've recently retired, & I miss not working! The days are long, there's only so much housework you can do, & shopping every day is not my "thing" either. Once you've been working & use to it, it does get quite boring after awhile. Just try to point out all the positives of you working apposed to the negatives. Write them down if that wuld. help. I don't honestly see a GOOD reason why you should not do as you wish, none at all. Hope you can get your point across,,,All the best to you...

Answer 6

Yes, your fiance sounds insecure and very immature. The internet is probably not the place to hear such things, but are you sure this is a good idea? It sounds like something that could cause issues later in the marriage, and you really need to talk about this before the big day. His ideas are outdated and unfair to you, and it's totally not cool that he's telling everyone on Earth about what a bad woman you'll be because you want to work. Make sure his head and ego are screwed on straight before going through with it all. Good luck.

Answer 7

you need to have a serious discussion with him before you get married. Money and Careers are a major relationship break-up topic. It has to be worked out before the wedding.

To answer your question- not all men are like that. My husband has no degree and made a lot less money than I did with my college degree job. It didn't matter to him at all. When our daughter was 1 year old he stopped working to become a stay at home dad. He LOVES it. I get up and go to work everyday and make the only money we have coming into the house but it is still OUR money.

Answer 8

I think you need to really talk to him and just tell him how this whole situation makes you feel. Explain to him that just because you went to colloge that has nothing to do with how anyone looks at him. Is his family like that? did his mom stay home while his dad worked? Cause then that could be how he was rasied. but the bottom line is you need to get this worked out before you say 'I do'. Or this could be a big mess. He probably thought that now you guys are engaged that he could talk you out of working and stay at home. But just be firm and be prepaired for some rocky times ahead. Good luck!!

Answer 9

I think that your disparity in your levels of formal education IS part of the problem. Not per se. Only in his perception.

(It's genarally accepted that INTELLECTS should fairly match up for a truly fulfilling relationship, and yours may well do so.)

But the big problems here are really irrespective of education. Don't "brush them off" a moment longer. "Not a good woman" is NOT who he plans on having for a wife. "What makes him think you are going to quit" your job...? You do, apparently, because you do not tell him exactly what your intentions are and will be. What you do not agree upon is what you are going to do when you get up in the morning, day in and day out, every day!!! You cannot live like that.

Answer 10

Who cares what anyone else thinks, if you want to work so be it. If this is already a problem, then it isn't going to change, Props to you for not getting angry and throwing it in his face some women would. I think he feels threatened that you make more money. He knew what job you had going into it sounds like you need to reevaluate this relationship.