My fiance is telling everyone I wouldn't make a good wife and mother because I want to work????

Question

This has come up before. I make 60k a year in the computer field. He also makes 60k in the heating and air conditioning business. This issue did come up before we got engaged, but I brushed it off because I am not going to quit my job for him. It hurts me alot when he says I am not a 'good woman' because I want to work. But I had this job when he proposed. What makes him think I am going to quit my job and 'take care of him' in 1950s fashion? He hasn't graduated high school and I have a college degree. Could this have something to do with it? Does he feel inferior? Do I threaten him? It just hurts. Is this a general feeling of most men looking for a wife - that she doesn't have a good job or career?

One person responded that I feel superior to him and that I tell him that I have a college degree abd he doesn't. This is not true. Actually, I do all I can to build him up and I tell him all the time that he is smart and possibly a genius. I also do not see him as stupid. He is actually very intelligent, he just didn't finish high school for whatever reason. I never ever throw it in his face that he didn't grad high school and that I have a degree.

Answer 1

He'll always earn $60k and have to retire when his body goes. You will earn much more in your lifetime. Don't marry that cretin.

Answer 2

Even if he feels this way he absoutely not be telling others these things about you. Dirty laundry should be kept at home between the two of you. Perhaps he would accept a compromise if he really feels this way. He wants you to give up work but how would he feel about giving up work.

If you plan to breast feed a baby you can express and perhaps you could both work part time for a few years after you have a child. Otherwise it is easy enough to bottle feed a baby jointly. Once a baby arrives, some women who thought they would want to stay home with their new baby decide they really do want to go back to work after 6 weeks or so and others that felt they wanted to keep working decide to stay home. IF you change your mind then it should be a joint choice. And if he wants someone to stay at home with the baby then he should be more than willing to give up some of his work hours so that you both can have what you want. Not only women can look after babies, he should know.

It could very well be that he feels threatened by you and inferior but he should be old enough to put that aside for the love of his wife (to be). There are plenty of women out there who are fabulous wives and still go to work full time and have great careers. The house work gets split or the couple does it together and every one gets to be happy and satisfied.

Good luck with this. If he really is against any form of compromise then you will seriously need to look at if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. He should be supportive of your goals and desires as much as you should be of his and no one should have to completely go without.

Answer 3

A person cannot say she wouldn't make a good wife and mother just because she wouldn't leave her job. He does not know it yet. He may be wrong, he may be right. However, you may prove that he's wrong with this thought. Explain how things would work for you two. Does he feel inferior? Probably. Did you threaten him? It's a possibility. Give him assurance that you'll try to do your best to be a good wife and a good mother. He needs to trust you. Otherwise, you guys would not work together. If you love one another, you should talk and work this out. If one of you still disagree, then I think you'll have a problem. Good luck.

Answer 4

In the old days, which is probably carried forward somewhat in this era ... the man is supposed to be the one with the major financial abilities - and the heavy in being the provider.

It would bother some men if their wife could take care of themselves, just as good as their man can take care of them.

From lots & lots of experience - and from the comments you have given .. your fiance is probably a more controlling person than you realize now. It sounds like he is attempting to shame you as a woman because of your job - and in order to achieve what he wants. And ... he could be doing so for several reasons. One reason is because you don't have to have him to take care of yourself - which gives him an insecurity which he many not even understand himself. Another reason is that if you stay at home and do not work - then he has more control over you -- he will be the only bread-winner .. and he can have more say -- and the list goes on. So .. if he shames you by saying you are not a good woman ... and you might should listen real good to this - because you will probably have more of the same things to come in your future where he is concerned. I would venture to say that he would want you to have kids, be tied to the house, and be all about him ... and not much about you.

Please know that all is your own decisions to make .. but! .. I think the remark he has said to you is awful .. and the remark should not be let go ... especially if he is telling everyone that you won't be a good wife and mother.

Please do not take my advice at what I am going to say next .. unless you definetly without a doubt want to consider it .. and can handle it. Some people could not handle it .. or pull it off. The person has to be tough to do it .. and be able to stand their own ground. Ok ... if it were me .. I would walk out the door the first time he told me that remark. That remark would insult my womanhood, myself, and all the things which I hold, and uphold, as dear. AND .. if he said it to other people - he would not hear my voice for a very long time, if ever. His remarks are cruel, insulting .. and he is trying to bully you .. not to mention the high degree of insult. To a woman, not much more, would be worse, than to be told those things. This man is wrong. And I, personally ... would not take it. If he cared anything about me at all .. he would regret those remarks. And .. if I ever spoke to him again .. the very first thing he would have to tell me .. is a complete explanation WHY he said that about me .. and WHY did he tell these awful things about me to other people?

Are you aware that if he has said these things to other people .. that it could ruin your reputation? And/or .. those other people could think he is such an idiot, and feel really sorry for you, for being with him.

I know you are incredibly hurt. And with just cause. Just know, this is a slight preview of what the future holds. For just being your fiance only - and already doing this hurtful thing .. he holds no consideration for your feelings. I would think that he would not do this before he has married you ... but he could do worse when he marries you, and has you where he wants you.

You have choices. One choice is ... you don't have to take it.

If he gets by with this - he will not respect you for taking it. And ... if you think this is smoothed over - this type of thing will probably surface again in him.

I feel badly for you. He is wrong for saying this to you. And .. he is more than doubley wrong for saying it to other people. Beware - that he may also tell very personal things, if he would tell others this.

Also - he is making you look bad by saying this ... in attempt to make him look better. He has no concern for your feelings.

Best wishes to you. And good luck.

Answer 5

He is not good husband material. He should be having this discussion with you not bad mouthing you to everyone. There is nothing wrong with wanting it all. You are an educated and ambitious woman. You are a good woman. Do not listen to his put downs. Do not change for him. You will be miserable. He might feel inferior to you. If this is how he deals with problems I would think about this marriage. I make more money than my husband and he loves it. It is ours together so it does not matter who makes what. We have three children and I have always worked. Most men that I know want a woman that can take care of herself. Make sure you know what you are doing. This would be a deal breaker for me. Never settle for what you do not want.

Answer 6

Sounds like you may need to rethink the marriage become the deal is signed..It also sounds like he has some insecurities going on as well. OR...he could be one of those that believe the wife should stay home, take care of the kids and house...
If this is not something you want to do..sounds like it's not...then you should really reconsider this marriage before it happens. because if you don't...it will be an issue always and will be forever coming up. You'll end up quiting your job to keep him off your back and from making comments like that..In the end..you'll only end up resenting him..Think about it!

Answer 7

First off his statement is a bunch of horse poop.

You've called it right Hon,and no, the majority of good men are not this insecure over their self-worth....so
...sit him down and make it quite clear that what he sees is what he gets...either a working wife/mother whose happy in pursuing a career...or an unhappy stay at home wife with time to brood about where she could have gone career-wise and deeply resenting the husband who forced her to choose....which will lead to a miserable marriage and possibly divorce.

And if he still refuses to see it, then perhaps you need to rethink a future with this guy.....remember, people don't change. Good Luck.

Answer 8

I would think that the difference in education may have something to do with it, also the expectations of what married life is. I have friends who are stay at home moms (I'm one) who wouldn't give it up, and friends and family who can't stay sane without working. It's not something you can generalize with all men. I would suggest some pre-marital counseling. It's hard to break it off now, but not as hard as later! If he can't see how important this is to you, will he respect other things that are important to you later in the relationship?

Answer 9

the two one in all you particularly ought to sit down and communicate or see somebody who're able to help. only when you consider which you artwork would not advise which you won't be a sturdy spouse or mom. Has he even asked in case you would be keen to take destroy day to have a baby and greater importantly...are you will to try this? maximum appropriate now you won't prefer to surrender your artwork yet if you have a sprint one you will be able to prefer to take some destroy day to be domicile with the toddler. the two way...distinctive women artwork and nonetheless make a house for their husband and little ones. while you're the two working you basically could desire to the two chip in and help get issues finished around domicile and to guard the toddlers. I maximum surely would not say "I do" until this undertaking is resolved between the two one in all you. If it is not resolved before then maximum possibly you have marital problems later.

Answer 10

Men are from mars, woman are from venus!! You got to have a balance dude. If u have agreed to marry him then you are agreeing to become one. If u dont have time to become a wife/mother etc then DONT DO IT. Simple as that. You need to find time for those that you supposedly love, and give your (future husband) if u marry him the love/support/attention that he needs. Like wise he must giev that to you too in order for the marriage to work. It all comes down to a compromise between each other. If that doesnt happen, better you break it off now and not later.

Answer 11

He has the complex of this all.

Next time you hear him make the comment about not being a good wife or mother because you work. Come back with I don't think you would make a good husband or father because you can't respect the fact that I'm a woman!!!