He won't recognize feelings.And if he has to he would rather walk away than get intimate.?

Question

My husband had an abusive childhood which lead to drugs than to prison. All his life he has given things up if anything emotional is asked of him. He would rather walk away than fight for it. I have always tried to be very understanding.But now I need him emotionally and he wont respond to me. We have a major problem in our marriage and rather than tell me what's going on with him,so we can fix it.... I think were going to get a divorce. He refuses to have sex. Out of the blue, he wont tell me why. I know something is going on with him..but he wont tell me. He never has.. he is like that to everyone. But this is destroyin our marriage it has trickled down into every part of our marriage. I try to not interpet his fear of feelings as rejection and him just not caring. But were going on 5 years of no sex,etc. It hurts me inside badly. How do I help him open up?I need him to be there for me.I thought I would be ok. BUt I need him emotionally. He went to counseling once& now REFUSES to go

Answer 1

There is nothing you can do if the other person will not take any steps himself. You sound as though you have done all you can.
I was married for over 30 years to a man who just couldn't be intimate. He didn't have an abusive childhood - there was nothing I know about to cause his inability to be close. Sex was rare from the start and non existant for 12 years. This wasn't why I left him. I found out he was messing around with another woman (no sex mind you - but just about...).This wasn't the first time, but I made it the last. See - he could have flirtations that didn't require any sort of real intimacy. He was also terrible liar and I never felt I got to know him. He had some great traits (never got angry for one thing - but that was because he couldn't express any sort of feelings) I tried millions of ways and times to get counselling - help in someway. In the end I decided NO MORE. Only when threatened that I would leave did he ever agree to "do anything to save the marriage" - but in every instance, as soon as I stayed, he was back to being the way he was and deciding that no, he wouldn't go to counselling after all.
I'm sorry but I don't see how you can help him, and you certainly can't help yourself by staying with him.

Answer 2

I would suggest you dont "try to make him open up". It is safe to conclude that "what you see is what you get". The way he behaves is who he is and truth be told, he is incapable of "being there" for you emotionally. He may have had an abusive childhood but so many of us have too. We manage to heal from the past and lead rather healthy lives. Why he is unwilling or unable to do this is only a guess. No one can really know what motivates other humans but it seems reasonable to conclude, again, that he has not dealt with his issues from childhood. You cant change that!! He is the only one who CAN. As for you..what is it about your own life that allows you to accept and remain in a relationship without sex for 5 years? Don't you deserve to have healthy relationship? I'm not saying that sex is everything but this is one area of marriage which BEST indicates the health of the union. NO SEX, no relationship. Of course, if a person is physically incapable of having sex, this is another matter. But my question to anyone in that sort of relationship would be the same. What is it about you that permits a sexless (and sounds like loveless relationship in your case) to continue? Finally, I would suggest you work on your own issues and get better.

Answer 3

No no and more no. First off, this is not someone that should be in a relationship with anyone - not even a therapist, a psychiatrist, or Dr. Phil. He has a history of drugs and prison? He acts like he doesn't care and won't communicate? You haven't had sex with him in five years?

Let me ask you a question, do you think that means he hasn't had sex with anyone in five years? Hmmm....

I know being with him is what you're used to, but if you ever want to better yourself or your life, you need to divorce him. ASAP. Good luck.

....And EVERYTHING the guy above me said.

Answer 4

You are worth way too much to stay with a man who can't connect with you emotionally. In all truth, I'm surprised that you married someone who couldn't connect with you emotionally.

I'm sure it's not easy, but you really shouldn't stay with him. The whole point of having a life partner is so that you can share things, and express yourself. If the one you have can't do that, then there's really no point in being together.

Answer 5

I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds like he could stand to get on some sort of medication to help balance his emotions out.

It sounds like at this point, it's up to him to go see someone to discuss his past and determine if he could get something to help him out. If he's not willing to do that for you, then it might be best for you to move on and find happiness elsewhere. Sounds like you're walking around on eggshells around him and you shouldn't have to do that. It sounds like you've tried to do what you can to form a healthy relationship and if he's not willing to contribute, then that's not good. From a guy's perspective, him not being willing to have sexual relations is very bizarre.

Answer 6

Be careful what you wish for....if someone like this "opens up" it's not a good thing. He has decades of rage inside and he would likely unleash it at YOU. He's actually trying to protect you by suppressing his rage. Unfortunately, he has every right to be like this if he chooses. And you have every right to leave him.

Sorry that there is no good news here.

Answer 7

So .......... thats your problem.... you cant change a man. Only idiots try to do that.

This is one reason why other women end up with wife beaters and say they still love the man. If he doesn't live up to your standards and you have such a problem with it, divorce him. Hes not going to change unless HE wants to. Which is unlikely. He is who he is.