My husband and I have different views when it comes to having children. I want 2 and he wants 0. What bothers me though is that he was married before and she had a child (not his, by another guy) and he loved that kid to death. He still has pictures and talks about him at times. It bothers me that he loved someone else's child so much, yet doesnt want to have one with me? After long long loooong talks we've come to an agreement of basicaly, if it happens... it happens. We pull out, not going to any extremes to have them or not to have them. If we are meant to have children, we will. But I am still bothered at the fact that he loved that other child so much, yet doesnt want to have one now. Im not sure if its not wanting to have one with me.. or that he misses that other one so much he doesnt want to do that again. Should I be worried that if we do have kids, he wont feel the same towards them?
2007-12-11 08:30:40 · 15 answers · asked by Mrs. N™ 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I disagree with divorce in a lot of ways. I knew what I was getting into when we got married, I am not going to just divorce him because of this. But it confuses me.. because there are times when we are talking and hes saying "when we have kids i want this.. and this.. and etc." But then there are other times when he doesnt want to talk about kids at all.
2007-12-11 08:42:14 · update #1
That is why he does not want children because of the ex, and the child who he practically adopted.
Honey, when he was bonding with the child from his ex, it is really hard for him to get over the child, sure it is easy to get over the ex, but a child plays such a pivotal role in his life and still does. You can't be jealous of a child!!!!
He needs time, and your understanding, if you do have kids, he will love them just as much!!! Even more!!!!
You have got to understand and know that he went through so much with this child, he can't be with her, and he can't be with this child that he loved so much, he is hurt, and scared.
You know how people feel when they love something so much and all of a sudden it is gone, their lives are just split, and it takes them a long time to get over that hurt, and maby they will never get over the hurt, they just need to talk to someone who can give them the tools to deal with the hurt on a daily basis, and with time and talking and the tools to deal with about their feelings, they will be ready to move on, that is what your husband needs right now!!!!!
For example, I had a cat her name was Frankie, and after 15 years of her wonderful life, I had to put her to sleep., she was very sick and in so much pain, and it hurt, she was my cat even before I met my husband, and she was there when my daughter was born!!! She was a part of my life.
When I put her down, I felt like my whole life just died with her, I had to talk to people and just keep talking and crying and talking about Frankie and remembering her, and the more I did, the more therapy it was for me and it was easier for me to deal with her death.
That is how your husband feels, he feels like he can't go there yet, because he lost someone so important in his life!!!!
2007-12-11 08:43:54 · answer #1 · answered by carriegreen13 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
> Should I be worried that if we do have kids, he wont feel the
> same towards them?
Hell no. Don't worry about that. You're reading too much into this. If the guy loves that kid he'll love his own. Not to worry.
We guys get to where we don't want to take on the kid thing past a certain age. A man quickly adds his age plus 20 and thinks, "Wow man, that's too old to be a dad." A man doesn't want to be in his late 50's or 60's and still be raising a kid. That might have something to do with it.
Get out the birth control and hold off until you both agree that you really want this. Children will place a strain on your marriage. Best that he be 100% on board with it. Look at the studies, marital satisfaction goes DOWN when you have a kid. Don't do this unless he's right there with you all the way.
Good luck.
2007-12-11 08:39:36 · answer #2 · answered by DearAbby 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Loving a kid is one thing. Having them is another. It's a huge responsibility both financially and emotionally. You really don't need to feel threatened by this other child. Once you guys have kids, your husband will love them. However, if you do want kids, don't do the pull out crap. That is an effective of a birth control as pills. (okay not really, but very effective. My ex and I did that for 6 years, never got pregnant)
2007-12-11 08:42:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
There is absolutely no way to compromise when one of you wants kids and the other doesn't. You have to decide what is more important to you; your husband or your potential children. If you choose your potential children, then you have to divorce him. If you choose your husband, then you have to accept that you will probably be childless for life.
Perhaps you and your husband could consider taking in a foster child for a while. It will give you and him an idea of what it's like to be parents.
2007-12-11 09:02:04 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
i do no longer think of there is something incorrect with your new child that ingredient won't restoration. Has he been removed from domicile earlier? Is he around rather some different people who're no longer relatives participants? Has he been removed from mommy and daddy earlier, or around rather some different youngsters? I easily have labored in daycares for 10 years and notice this each and all of the time. Your son sounds to be somewhat shy in this form of recent ecosystem. he's thoroughly relaxed at domicile, yet is out of his convenience zone at daycare. it is going to take the time, even months sometimes. consult with him well-known to reassure him you would be back to get him, permit him take a blanket or a toy from domicile to experience greater gentle. communicate with the staff, see what form of projects they do, the ordinary they have, expectancies of the youngsters. Spend time there in case you may for an afternoon or so. In time he will heat up and cry once you come to get him. yet once you spot that he seems somewhat afraid to circulate or ever has any bruises or starts applying language you're no longer gentle with, check out and notice a doctor. it could't be the final daycare for him. as long as he isn't loosing weight or starts performing in yet differently at domicile, permit him proceed going and reassuring him earlier he is going and once you %. him up. reliable luck!
2016-11-02 22:29:42 · answer #5 · answered by kowalczyk 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
more then likely if he still keeps that kids pic in his wallet even though the kids not his hes really hurt over losing the kid. and hes gonna have to deal with the hurt before he wants to have another one, it had to be hard to be a father figure to that child and since it wasnt his his relationship with that kid ended when the marriage did. give him sometime
2007-12-11 08:36:39 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
My best friend and his wife divorced after 14 years because of this. He wanted kids, she didn't. He eventually remarried and just had his second child. He is super, super happy being a dad.
I hate divorce, but in this case, I agree.
2007-12-11 08:35:48 · answer #7 · answered by Richard F 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Loving a child and being a father are not the same thing. Just because he loved his ex's child does not mean that he wants to change his lifestyle to have his own.
2007-12-11 08:53:08 · answer #8 · answered by Elizabeth 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If it happen he will be head over heels in love with the child,, children are angels sent from heaven and such a blessing..
2007-12-11 08:36:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
My oldest daughter is 33 and loves kids but her hub. refuses.
She is living in hell but refuses to leave him.
I can not fix this so i must let it go.
If you want to be like her go for it.
2007-12-11 08:49:38 · answer #10 · answered by teeman824 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋