How can I make my dad stop picking on my mom's dead brother to her?

Question

My dad does not like my mom's family(policitcs and other reasons). Her little brother died in July, and my mom was devastated, she didn't cry much and was depressed for a while.

My dad has lately been picking on him, saying things like "this sing would be your brothers theme song if he was still alive". He was referring to a song with the lyrics "call me irresponsible, call me unreliable..."

Grr... It's making me angry, it's not right. She won't stand up for herself. I tried to call him on it, and he tried to back up his statement! What can I say to make him shut up next time it happens?

I didn't know where to post this, so I just chose a section with smart and witty people. ;)

Answer 1

I understand the logic behind wanting to protect your mother, but is that really your place to chastise your father in the process? It seems that your father is stubborn, and regardless of what you say, he will continue to make comments. So maybe you will have a better shot at talking with your mom. Maybe if she sees that it bothers you as well, she will finally speak up.

Answer 2

Men like that are more like children rather than men. They believe that what they say is absolute and that everyone should pay attention to them while they rambel on and on and on. To get men in my family and my husband to stop is that I do not speak, I just look them in the eyes like I am very intent on what they have to say and have a small affirmitive grin as I do it and the more he talks the closer and more attentive I get until the ultimate question comes "Why are you staring at me?" and I leave a comment like this. " Well, what you had to say was so very important that I wanted to make sure I did not miss anything you were saying. Is there anything else?" And say it as nice, sincere and demure as possible. People like that think they want the attention but when they get your full attention and you are slightly smiling it makes them feel very uncomfortable and they usually back off. It usually takes men (no offense guys) that are like that 5 to 7 times of that before they get tired of it. Just remember, if you are in the living room and hear him in another room doing the same thing, just quietly walk in, be attentive to what he has to say, move in closer as he speaks and never take your eyes off of him but do not make any comments. An affirmitive "hm hm" or "uh huh" is usually all you need. Teach your mother the same thing and a lot of this will stop - maybe not because he understands it upsets you but because he is getting attention he THOUGHT he wanted and is now uncomfortable bringing it up anymore and loses interest. As long as you show that it rattles you or it rattles your mother, he will continue, not to just upset you but he thinks that he is right in his assumptions because you walk away or cry. Don't do that. Stand your ground but do it where there is no way he could justify a confrontation to loudly voice how right he is in his assumption. Beleive me it definately works.
Good luck sweatie.
Blessed be and Peace
Holly

Answer 3

When he next does it ask him if it makes him happy to make his wife unhappy and is that how he wants you to remember him as a father. As a man who hurts instead of protect his wife. He's feeling really insecure about something and maybe you should let him know that you know that. And that as a father he's setting a really shi***y example of how to take care of those he's supposed to love. Also ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and ask him is this how his mother raised him?? IF he's just being a jerk these questions should get him to think, Last but not least let him know that if he continues let him know that you're losing respect for him as a father, husband and as a Man.

Answer 4

My dad can be a jerk like that too. Im 24 and about two years ago he was just too much and really getting on my nerves. So i just lost it and yelled at him.
I told him where does he get off putting others down and is that really something he wants to pass onto us, I told him I didnt agree with what he said and it woudl be nice if he could keep his negative comments to himself.
I explained to him that all people have feelings and as much as you dont think they hear you or care, they do and you need to watch you mouth more cause its always gonna get you into trouble.
He apologized and has toned it down since, he hasnt stopped completely i think it has become part of his character. But he is trying.
I think its the same for your dad. You dont have to yell at him but talk to him about how you feel and your outlook and how it bothers you and your mom. Ask him to be more considerate.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

Tell your dad exactly how you feel and tell him it's not a discussion point or up for debate (your feelings are yours, after all!).
He is supposed to be one of the adults in your family and as such, is meant to be setting an example as a POSITIVE role model.
Your mother is probably too grief stricken to stand up for herself. As her child, it really isn't your job to protect her (but kudos for being more mature than your father apparently is right now!).
Are there any other (adult) family members with whom you can talk about this? (Or a trusted teacher, minister, friend's parent?) It's possible that another adult may be more easily heard by your dad.
Good luck with this! (And sorry about your uncle!)

Answer 6

I am sorry for your family's loss. Take your dad aside and speak to him privately. Tell him it hurts your mother and makes you angry and that it is not necessary, productive or nice. It is creating strife within the family and he needs to stop it. Remind him that if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. Ask him why he is doing it. Ask him what he is trying to accomplish with his cruelty. Don't wait til the next time he does it, bring it up and speak to him before that happens. Good luck.

Answer 7

Wow, I can't believe your dad is so mean! Keep calling him on the carpet. Don't let him get away with it for one minute. Keep encouraging your mother.

Is there someone he respects that can say something to him? Has he lost a love one? Ask him, "What if someone said something like this about your mother, father, friend?".

Maybe then he'll realize how tactless, tasteless and utterly rude he is.

Answer 8

Hey innocence:

Try being direct with your father. Next time it happens, say this: "Dad, I loose respect for you every time you replay those same tired lines. This man played an important role in my life, and he was your wifes brother. If you can't let it go, then put a plug in it."

Answer 9

You are old enough to see what is nice and what is not. Your mom needs her husband so you cant say anything against him. Try to build and not destroy. Get the boy's picture and put it by your desk. Write a poem under it... then try to hide it with a pennant or some decorations.

Answer 10

Your father is bullying your mother and is inconsiderate of her feelings. To speak ill of the dead, or to tease someone about a loved one who died is in very poor taste. Not that I really think it will help, but next time try this. "Does it really make you happy to insult the dead and remind mom of her loss again and again? I thought a husbands duty was to comfort and protect his wife."