I'm pregnant with my 2nd baby due in July. After I found out I told my significant other that we should get legally married. We're just common law right now. Anyway, he turned me down. He said that he does not have the money to be getting married but yet we can't afford a 2nd child either. The baby was unplanned as I was on BC. My reason for wanting to get married is so that I could have the same last name as my children, that's all. This is driving me crazy because he won't give me an answer as to why and is affecting how I feel about this baby coming along. I'm afraid it will be an issue that will split us apart. Not only that, I don't want him to marry me to appease, I want him to want to marry for the sake of our children. Am I asking too much of him? We've been together for over 4.5 yrs and had our ups and downs. Are any of you ladies going through this? Any advice would be helpful because I'm seriously doubting my relationship here, Thank Y
2007-12-11 06:03:06 · 13 answers · asked by rizing 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes, majority of you are right on the money. I should have expected his rejection in the first place. I guess it just hurt to be turned down. And yes, I was talking about getting off the BC but not until the spring. My son was conceived while on the Depo shot. The BC I was on was the low progesterone type. I guess they really wanted to be born.
No more marriage talk. I do agree with getting the little ones some kind of insurance money because my 'other half'(technically)is 8 yrs older than I.
Good input so far...
2007-12-11 07:30:25 · update #1
Calm down. Think about it this way. If he never ever marries you, would you still want to be with him and would he still be with you?
If the answer is yes. Then don't sweat it. Since you've been together 4.5 years and already have one child together and he didn't marry you then, assume that he's not going to. With some guys, the more pressure they feel to marry, the harder they dig in their heels. Your man could be one of these guys.
So you've got the marriage thing out of the way. Now about the name. You can go to court and legally change your last name to the same as your children if you want to have the same last name as them. you won't be able to claim you are married legally and you can't file a joint tax return as marrieds but you will have the same name as the kids.
I also recommend that you squirrel together what spare money you have and pay for a life insurance policy on him and name the children as beneficiaries. You can't get it without his permission but you can tell him you'll pay for it. And by naming the kids as beneficiaries he may not fear you're suddenly going to bump him off. You will need to protect yourself financially for the children if something happens to him and you aren't married--tell him this is why you want the insurance policy.
After this, just lay off the marriage talk. Don't ever mention it again. I can't guarantee he'll marry you, but he then feel that since he isn't being pressured that he is ready to marry after all.
Remember: he does love you, he has 2 children with you, make sure that your financial future is protected in case he suddenly passes, then lay off the marriage talk.
Good Luck!
2007-12-11 06:21:51 · answer #1 · answered by Invisigoth 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
"I want him to want to marry for the sake of our children"
Did you really just say that? Sorry but that is not what marriage is about. marriage is about people who love each other and want to spend their lives together. Not for them to share a last name.
OK with that said - if he doesn't want to marry you by now - you need to leave him alone. Money is a sorry excuse for not getting married. How much does it really cost to go down to the court house and do it?
Oh and who cares if your last name isn't the same as the kids? My son doesn't have my last name - but oh well - I made that choice to give him his fathers name. Just like you did -if it was going to be such a big deal you should have just given the kids your last name
2007-12-11 14:13:09 · answer #2 · answered by Bloom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he doesn't want to commit now it isn't likely he ever will. 4.5 years is a long time. Don't get married for the sake of your children and if you seriously want them to have your name then give them your last name. I woudl say consider counseling and if he wont agree do the mom thing by yourself then at least you know what you are dealing with. its not easy either way but your kids deserve a happy mom.
2007-12-11 14:10:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
How about this, stop saying you want to get married for the children, the only reason to get married is out of Love. You both need to do some out of the box thinking about how you’re going to take care of another kid. Being married changes nothing.
2007-12-11 14:09:31 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Not to be mean, but why would you have children with out being married if you wanted to be married! He propbably sees no benefits to being married when he has all of the perks anyway! If you do not want thim to marry you to simply appease you, then stop pressuring him! You are in no way "asking for too much" but maybe it is too much for him!
What can you do to better yourself so that he will want to seal the deal and marry you???
2007-12-11 14:09:24 · answer #5 · answered by Ashley B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have heard of many situations like this. Once you move in with someone you lose your bargaining power because they already have what they were wanting and don't see the point in making it legal. You could try for a simple civil ceremoney as one of my friends had to do after the second child came. Meant she was kicked out of the Catholic church though and years later she is not happy and suffering because of it. And yes, husband still does not get it!
2007-12-11 14:10:24 · answer #6 · answered by curiouscanadian 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
sounds like he's flaky on the child as well as the marriage. if you really were on BC (and i believe you were), then it's not your fault that you're in this situation, but it is your responsibility. if he was not willing to marry you after the first child, it's highly doubtful that he will marry you after the second one. but you allowed this situation to continue, so in his mind, you've accepted it. you have to either learn to live with the current arrangement or put your foot down. if you put your foot down and he says he's not willing to marry you, you may have to decide if you really want to stick around. but no matter how you slice it, you are pressuring him to marry. even asking him to do it for the sake of the children is pressure. you want him to want to marry you, and it doesn't sound like he does. you have to decide whether or not you can live with that. good luck.
2007-12-11 14:28:47 · answer #7 · answered by hh 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can just give your child your own last name. You don't have to give it your boyfriend's name just because he's the father. You aren't married. You will fill out the birth certificate papers however you want to fill them out and they'll ask you what you want your baby's name to be.
2007-12-11 14:11:18 · answer #8 · answered by Dep. 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Trapping him with a pregnancy didn't work the first time... why on earth would you think it would work the second time????
Some people never learn.
EDIT: Unplanned???? Yeah right. Two months ago you said that you were getting off BC to get pregnant. Forgot about that?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmJ3bxsb9LTVS6vLWV.Ri8rsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071011121743AAYsz3Y
2007-12-11 14:11:04 · answer #9 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Can't afford it? License is only $25 here in my state!
Lots more going on here!
2007-12-11 14:24:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋