When I was 17 I was attacked..........?

Question

I was attacked and raped by a boy a few years older than me when I was 17, afterwards I didn't tell a soul and it drove me to depression and near suicide, I went to counselling and although I haven't forgotten what happened to me I have tried (and to a certain extent succeded )to get on with my life. I met my husband and we have been together for nearly 20 years and we have 2 wonderful kids, (I have never told him of the attack either) but since the death of my mother at the start of this year it's bringing it all back, and I am now full of regret that I didn't confide in her and that I put her through real heartache without her knowing what had really happened to me. How can I move on ?

Answer 1

If one or both of your kids is a female, your wounds were open as soon as she was born. You were trying to spare your mother heartache. You probably felt that you put yourself in that situation and was ashamed. All these emotions going through you is enough to cause you stress, guilt, and pain. You are not in the wrong. You can not go back and change things. You have to start living for today and your family. By no means should you shut down. I have been there and done that. I to have had my wounds opened from a childhood incident. Things of this matter have to be tackled one day at a time. Every day stresses and heartaches only add to the issue. When we are young, we don't really know how to handle things like we should. As we get older, it comes back to haunt us. Talk to your husband and stop trying to carry all this by yourself. He may not be able to take your pain away, but at least you can get some of it off your shoulders. I am so very sorry about your Mother but she apparently raised a very compassionate daughter. Hope you find what works to help you cope. God Bless. (Wish I knew of a support group on line for people like us.)

Answer 2

Unfortunately this is something that will stay with your forever!! I know believe me .. I went through it and I had a child from my attack. I deal with it all the time. The thing that helped me the most was counseling. At the time it seemed SO stupid and it made me so mad to be there! They would ask how do you feel and I wanted to scream and yell at them and tell them how do you think I feel! I wanted so desperately to hurt someone ... to make them feel as bad and as gross as I did!!

In counseling they reminded me everyday that it was not my fault. I would get upset and think I know that but deep down you don't. Until you can finally get to the place where you see it was not your fault ... you did not "ask" for it and you did not deserve it ... you will continue to blame yourself!

Try not to blame yourself anymore and do not regret not having told your mother. You did what you felt was the only way to deal with what happened to you. You may have put her through a lot but she loved you no matter what!! If it would help you can always take a day ... go to her grave and tell her everything. Although she can not answer you ... it might help you start to get some closure on this. It may be the first step in truly being healed. You can even try talking to your husband about it ... but be careful. If you open the gates be prepared for the flood. If you have just ignored this for so long and you have moved forward by forgetting .... bringing it to the surface is going to open some serious wounds!

If you ever want someone to talk to send me an email!! [e-mail]

Answer 3

When I was 15, I was raped by a man about 6 yrs older then me. I told noone, I was to ashamed and thought it was my fault so I kept my mouth shut. To this day, 16 yrs later, my parents still don't know. I was able to get over it on my own so I saw no purpose in bringing up something that happened so long ago. I know my mom got wind of it when it happened and w/ her not asking about it I guess thats when I decided she didn't need to know. I think it was more or less the fact that I'd be called a liar so what would be the point. My life has not been affected by it, I would not let it, ain't no man gonna change who I am, I would not give him that satisfaction. I still went out w/ my head held high.

Answer 4

if you are uncomfortable talking about this with your husband, then go to a disinterested third party.

contact your local women's shelter about group therapy for vicitims of rape. Some will offer a support group that would be free to attend or would have a low cost.

You could contact your Employee's Assistance Program (EAP) at work (if you have one) and they could put you in touch with a counselor who would accept your insurance.

You could go to your mother's gravesite and talk to her there.

This is something that you are going to have to talk out with someone in order to get through it. There's just no getting around it. As you've seen, you can only repress and ignore for so long. Yes the work is hard to start, but I promise you it will get easier and you'll reach a point where you'll say, "why didn't I do this sooner!"

Good Luck!

Answer 5

this has resurfaced because your feeling pain! the mind works in strange ways. although your mother dying is bound to be upsetting and sad an you have every right to feel that however the more you upset you are the more your mind is making you feel upset so it is dragging every sad thing that has ever happened into your mind! this will happen every time you feel sad or even vulnerable.

the only advice i can give is look around you...see the moon watch the stars feel the air fill your lungs the breeze brush you cheek. your amazing the energy you have and the courage smile and be happy the last thing you want to do is loose your sanity and hurt your children. i don't know you but i already love you...i loved you yesterday x

Answer 6

Go to www.rainn.org to find a center near you that has free counseling. It's not your fault, and you have a right to tell or not tell whomever you want. I work at a rape crisis center, and we have people coming in all the time that the assault happened decades ago. It's not something you ever just "get over" its something you learn to cope with, but sometimes that's more difficult to do. Good luck!

Answer 7

After the death of someone close it is easy to look for things to regret it is human nature. I had a hard time when my mum died with things I felt I should have done and other things I wished I hadn't done. This was tearing me apart so I sat down one night and wrote her a letter. I carried this letter around with me for months until I felt ready to let go. One day I went to where I had buried her ashes--near my brother-- and read the letter to her, I then burned it and sat until I felt peaceful. Since then I can honestly say I feel as though a weight has been lifted and have been able to forgive myself as I know mum would have done.

Answer 8

Tell your husband about it. You can't go back and tell your mom, but you can tell him. Your story is a lot like my wife's. She was raped by her cousin's boyfriend when she was 17. She never told anyone until after we were together for quite a while. After she told me, it helped her move on. She doesn't ever talk about it now, but she knows that she can always talk about anything with me. Trust the ones that you love. Good luck.

Answer 9

I had that happen to me also. I never told any one and it was eating me up inside. I told my husband a few months before we got married and telling that one person that you know will not judge you made a world of difference for me. try to tell him I was and am still to afraid to tell any other person. I'm sorry you lost your mother. try to talk to your husband I know how hard it is telling someone you love. But they try to help you work through it and is there for you all the time. good luck and I'm sorry for your loss

Answer 10

GO to counseling and tell her of your struggles. One suggestion is to write your mom a long letter and tell her everything. Even though she has passed this can be very therapeutic. Then you need to ask God to give you the strength to forgive yourself. But i am not a professional counselor for this kind of thing. Go...they Can help you