my husband is a chicken sh+t his ex wife has never done anything for her kids?

Question

and she as 4 of them she has lost har job and is trying to move in with her collage kids but my husband told his kids if that happened he would stop helping them with rent you would think she would go away but not she call my husbands mother up and asks if she can stay in her town house and i think his mother is going to let her. my husband just sits back and lets this go on.
then im to have this mother and his kids over and feed them and play nice. the kids are 17,19.21.24 and my husband has had them for 15 years alone with out his ex's help. why do they want to help this woman who can go out and find a job and pay her own rent why?????

Answer 1

I have to say that I am pretty tired of hearing, "but that's his kid's mother" or that an "Ex is still considered family". An Ex is not family and even though an Ex may have given birth, it does not put her above a second wife. Divorced is divorced. It's done and over, so both parties need to mutually care for the children and move on with their personal lives and take care of themselves. I am all for helping someone in need, when it isn't someone who takes advantage or won't do for themself or prove they are working on it. His Ex should turn to "her" blood family for help and I would never think of imposing any problems I would have on my Ex's family, but that is just me. If your husbands mother wants to help her, then that is her choice and I would stay out of that, but I would protect my own and my family's interests. It is so hard to understand why your husband has cared for the kids for so long, on his own, and then his mother turns around and helps his Ex, knowing she hasn't done much. That is a hard pill to swallow. It sucks to have play nice when you feel a situation is so wrong in so many ways. I know how that feels. Maybe give it awhile and see if the Ex makes an effort and gets a job. If she doesn't, then bring it up again to your husband in a couple of months. Only this time, put it to him this way, ask him how much longer he will allow his Ex to live off his poor mother. This will show you care about his mother, will make him think about what he is allowing, it will show you have given it a fair chance for the Ex to get on her feet and may prove her to be a moocher. Then go from there. Nothing you can do now, so hang in there the best you can sweetie!

Answer 2

Well these kids (except for the 17 yr old) are pretty much adults, so why is he STILL helping them financially? It isn't his obligation anymore so why would be obligate himself financially? Maybe I was raised differently I don't know. It really isn't your business if your mother in law takes in the ex or not. That's your husbands moms business. So what you're saying is that you don't feel you have to be kind to your step kids and your mother in law if they help out your husbands ex? Maybe you shouldn't have gotten involved with a man who has 4 kids from someone else. When you do that you're accepting pretty much everything else that comes with it, and risking the chance of BS like this happening. If you're expecting your husband to grow a set of balls and put a stop to anything then you're just being a hopeaholic. You said so yourself that he just sits back and lets this go on. What do you think? That if you stomp your feet or yell loud enough he'll do something about it? I agree that this woman should go out and get a job but you know realistically that's not gonna happen as long as she has her kids and ex mother in law acting as her crutches. At this point you have one of two choices, sit back and accept it, or you can leave. This is all on your husband and it doesn't sound to me like he's gonna do anything different here except for DEAL with the situation.

Answer 3

I agree with the previous posts. She is part of the family, for better or for worse, based upon your husband's decision. She is also the mother of your husband's children.

You say she lost her job -- why? I mean, once in a while, we all fall upon hard times, and we need to rely on our family to get us through. Now, if she is just a slacker or a leech, then that's a different story.

Have you ever read the parable of the Prodigal Son? I'm not really much of a Christian, but I think the parable is particularly apt. He doesn't have to throw her out in the cold, even if she has been absent.

And YES you are have to have these people "over and feed them and play nice." Once again, they are part of the family, and you knew this when you married the guy. You have a moral obligation (and a societial ettiquite obligation) to be nice to her. You don't have to invite her to your christmas party, or bake her a 3 layer cake on her birthday, but she needs her help, your family his her family, and so you must be polite.

Your husband doesn't sound like a chicken ****. He sounds like someone with a reasonable amount of compassion and obligation to his family. We all should be so lucky to have such accepting spouses.

Answer 4

I think that this family doesn't view her as "this woman". Obviously they see her as part of their family. Mother, ex-wife, ex-daughter in Law. Your husband did love her at one time and he probably will always feel something towards her, she is the mother of his children. It is unrealistic for you to expect everyone to not have anything to do with her, or for her to just go away. That is pretty selfish of you. Sounds like they were all here before you were. When you marry into an existing family there are a lot of issues to deal with. You are his wife now, what is there to worry about. Letting on that she makes you feel threatened is not something you want her to see.
Her kids probably love her, why would this make you angry. Sometimes a person needs help, I would prefer my mother-in- law to be kind to her than to be stirring up problems or bitterness. You mentioned she had lost her job...So it doesn't sound like she has been mooching all along? At least the kids are older and you are not having to meet her at the corner to swap the kids with her. If your husband and his kids have forgiven her for not parenting for the past 15 years who are you to say anything about it. what would you propose your husband do about all this. Tell his mother not to be kind, Tell his kids not to love their mother? If you want there to be tension between you and your husband then let him know how much this bothers you. If you want to let your husband know that you love him and your on his side then keep quite, be supportive if needed and don't swet it. What is the worst that can happen. She is not there to try and steal him back.. She has had 15 years to try and do that. You will gain more respect from everyone involved if you handle the situation in a mature fashion. This woman has done nothing to you. We all make mistakes in life and know one is perfect, so lighten up on your husband or you just might be the one driving the wedge.
Good luck and keep the lines of communication open, remeber you are the new addition to this family.

Answer 5

I don't know. This is not good and I would be upset also. My mother in law is in my kitchen right now, she is here for three weeks, I have no children with my husband and she can't stand his ex wife....who also happens to be a free loader....I would tell my MIL if she were letting the ex move in, just how I felt and that we wouldn't be visiting again because I felt betrayed.

Answer 6

I wouldn't call him a chicken s**t for that. He put his foot down about her moving in with the ones in college. He cannot make his mother not allow her to move into her townhouse. That is completely up to his mother if she owns it. Kudos to your husband for raising the children on his own. It doesn't seem like he's running to her rescue so I'm not sure what the problem is. As far as her coming to your house, you have say so over that...so you should put your foot down and not allow that at all. Unfortunately, unless you or your husband own the property she is wanting to stay in, there is nothing that can be done about his mother allowing her to live there.

Answer 7

What kind of man would want the mother of his children to be homeless?
As long as you are secure in your marriage, stay out of how your husband and his adult kids handle this. If you push him to go against his kids and mother, he may resent you.
The kids will be independant soon enough and then you can let them worry about their mother. If you cause trouble, you will be the wicked stepmother.

Answer 8

Because like it or not, she is probably still considered family. She is the mother of those kids, so your mother-in-law is taking pity on her. I would be angry about it too, and I'm not really sure why your husband is allowing this to go on except to say that maybe he doesn't want to look like a jerk to his own kids. It's a tough one...not sure I'd be able to tolerate it either. Talk it out with him, but it wouldn't be good for the kids to see you having total disregard for their mother. My stepkids worship their piece of crap mother even though she has never lifted a finger to help them out.

Answer 9

Because any way shape or form, that is the mother of his children, and that is a very powerful thing... I mean they were married and had kids...

Answer 10

Hunny, one word KIDS... You know that its isn't really chicken ****, to help people out, but I would not play nice, never did, my husbands ex, thought she could play him, but, I don't play games, I told her that his son could come and live with us, but not her. His son did come for about 2 years until she got her **** together, we talk now and I am cevil to her but that is all.
But I do not play head games...and no one plays me either. Good Luck