My fiance's sister in law and I were pregnant at the same time both us had girls. My daughter is 1 month and 10 days older than her baby. We both breastfed our babies. Her baby died yesterday she had fallen asleep while breastfeeding and she is hearing impaired it was a complete accident. I am unsure if i should take my baby to the funeral with me or if i should pump and find a babisitter. Also what words would help comfort her i have never known anyone who went through this and i would really like to help comfort her.
2007-12-11 02:55:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
i think it would be best if you didn't bring your baby to the funeral. my first daughter passed away when she was a week old, and afterward it was very difficult for me to be around other babies for a long time. speaking from experience, unfortunately there really isn't anything that you can say that will comfort her, all you can do is let her know that you are there for her for anything she needs. i'm so sorry for your family's loss.
2007-12-11 03:02:57 · answer #1 · answered by LoriBeth 6 · 8⤊ 1⤋
I've lost 6 babies. I can relate to the anguish she's feeling.
I'd leave the baby home. While it was helpful to me to see other babies, it was very, very hard on my husband.
Since she was breastfeeding, she'll likely be engorged until her milk dries up. I went through that. It was really painful to have people hug me with my breasts so full. An arm around the shoulders is better. If you can, discretely help others be aware of this, too.
Tell her the safest way to dry up her milk is to express just enough so it's no longer uncomfortable. NEVER bind the breasts as it can cause the glands to become impacted and infected. It won't take long - about a week or two - for her milk to dry up.
There really isn't anything anyone can say that will make it better. Usually the best thing you can do is let her talk about it. She'll be dealing with quite a bit of guilt most likely. Assure her that it wasn't her fault. Unfortunately these things do happen. It would be wonderful if they didn't, but in our zeal to make sure it doesn't, we end up heaping unreasonable guilt on people. It doesn't stop bad things from happening. It just makes it harder to cope when they do.
Give her lots of love. Let her hold your baby often if that helps her - keep your baby away from her for a time if being around her makes it worse. Don't be afraid to ask her which would be better for her. She'll most likely appreciate your thoughtfulness.
My heartfelt condolences to her - and to you, aunt. My prayers are with you all.
2007-12-11 03:26:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
Definitely do not take the baby. It will be a constant reminder to her of what she had and lost, not to mention that your daughter will likely cry at some point (funerals tend to last a little while and she will probably get hungry or need a diaper change or just get cranky).
I went through a situation similar to this. My sons grandmother made the trip down with her sister to meet him for the first time. While they were down visiting, her sister (my sons great aunt) lost her grandson. The babies mother had to give birth to the deceased baby. So basically, while Logan's grandmother came to meet her grandson, her sister had to say goodbye to hers. It was a devastating situation and I had the dilemma of whether or not to take Logan, but I knew that it simply wasn't right. I can only imagine what the family would feel like seeing Logan at a time like that. It would be like rubbing it in their face.
As for comforting words, just tell her accidents happen. I know there have been more than one time when I fell asleep holding Logan. Babies keep you up long hours with minimal sleep and people get tired. I would feel heartbroken if anything happened to him and people blamed me. So just make sure you let her know that you understand and that she doesn't need to feel guilty.
Also, let her know that everything happens for a reason (at least that's my belief). Her daughter must have accomplished whatever God sent her there to do and her time was up. Sometimes babies aren't here very long but they can do more good than people here for an entire lifetime.
2007-12-11 03:14:01 · answer #3 · answered by ChisseyGuwel 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Oh, my. My condolences to your friend. I am sure that you are emotionally rattled as well. I think it would be best to leave your baby in someone's care; I think it would make your friend cry and break down at the funeral. I think you should be a shoulder to cry on, and let her come to you when she wants to let things out, but don't pressure her to vent and cry at your side.
She might even retreat from you for a while if it makes her hurt inside to see your baby, and remind her of what she could have had... don't be upset with her, forgive her for any odd behavior, any leaving you out she might do. It depends on her character, she might even compensate and spend a lot of time with you and your baby... whatever happens, remain supportive and understand that grief and pain make people do strange things.
2007-12-11 03:16:05 · answer #4 · answered by Maggie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OMG that is terrible! I'm so sorry for your family. I think you should pump and find a sitter, I don't think a funeral is a place for a newborn plus I guess it'll be too hard on your fiance's sister in law. Just tell her that you are there for her in case she feels like talking or a shoulder to cry on. There's really nothing you can do but be her friend.
2007-12-11 03:00:46 · answer #5 · answered by Baby Ruth habla español 6 · 6⤊ 0⤋
I would not bring the baby, and just be there for her. If you can't find the words to express your deepest sympathy try a big hug. If you must sya something sya I'm so sorry and leave it at that. Avoid saying things like, "I cannot imagine what you are going through" at the same time also avoid saying "I know how you're feeling" because even if you have experienced loss, nothing compares to losing an infant.
2007-12-11 03:00:37 · answer #6 · answered by ♥Blake's mommy!!!♥ 6 · 4⤊ 1⤋
You should find a babysitter because a funeral is not an appropriate place for babies. Plus it will make your sister sad seeing a a baby like she had and she will keep thinking "why me?" so out of respect for your sister, find a sitter. I'm really sorry about the loss.
2007-12-11 03:00:57 · answer #7 · answered by no one 5 · 6⤊ 1⤋
I don't think taking your baby to the funeral is a good idea. I honestly don't think it's a good idea for any funeral because of the interuptions a baby is likely to cause. It tends to take the focus off of what is most important at the time. Please find a sitter for your baby. As for words? I don't think any words can help at this time. A simple "I'm so sorry for your loss" with a hug (if they act like they are willing to accept one) should be enough. Only time can help them right now. Peace.
2007-12-11 03:00:14 · answer #8 · answered by Corona 5 · 9⤊ 1⤋
How awful. I would not take the baby. As far as what to say, no words will ever be able to comfort her with such a great loss. Just tell her you are there for her, and will always be there if she needs anything.
2007-12-11 03:04:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
My parents lost a God child in the same way. Its horrible.
I personally would probably leave my baby at home, I probably wouldnt stay long at the funeral because of it, but I wouldnt take the baby with me, not in this case.
Just tell her you love her and you're sorry, theres nothing you could say that would ever make it feel any better. Its something she has to deal with on her own- supported by others. Tell her you love her and you're there for her if she ever needs ANYTHING.
I am really sorry.
2007-12-11 03:00:29 · answer #10 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 7⤊ 1⤋