Is she going to Marriage Counseling for the right reason?

Question

My wife and I have been together for 8 years but only been married for 1 yr. We have been separated for the last 3 months. We had arguments but it was like other married couples. No cheating or physical abuse. Anyhow 3months ago we got into a heated argument and then took off and stayed at her sister's house. A week after that, she told me that she wants a divorce b/c she is "fed-up". I requested that we go to MC and she refused. Fast-forward 3 months and she noticed that I am going to therapy on my own. Now she wants to go to MC with me but the catch is she's only going to go to help me and that she still wants a divorce. I told her that if it's just for me and not for US, then don't worry about going. She said that she still cares about me and still wants to go. I am a little confused to why she wants to go to MC with me if she is stuck on divorcing me. Also, why all the sudden the change of heart? Is she having doubts about the divorce and her pride is getting in the way?

We went to MC yesterday and most of the session was her venting. She did cried when the marriage counselor ask her to list the good qualities about me. she started listing the good quality about me and then starting crying. The MC told her that we have communication issues but the MC could help. She told the MC that she still wants a divorce because she doesn't want tot take the risk. We are scheduled to go again next week and the week after that she will go on her own. If this girl is so set on divorcing me, why is she going thru all this trouble?

Also found out that she took a vacation wtih her cousin and one of her gf to Hawaii. Her cousin's bf is stationed in Hawaii, but Hawaii was supposed to be our honeymoon destination. I feel like she's doing this to rub it in my face or am I thinking too much into this? Still dont understand her intentions with our marriage. Divorce or reconciliation, I wish she would make up her mind.

Answer 1

You go to marriage counseling to get help in achieving what it is that you want. If she wants something different than you then she shouldn't go.

If you want to work on the marriage to make it stronger then continue your path. She may still decide to leave. That's fine because you've done everything that you could. Your next relationship will be great (her next one will end the same way as this one).

But I like the idea of asking the MC. She will probably need a few sessions on her own first.

Answer 2

Of course she has doubts about the divorce. Every day, she thinks about what it would be like if you got back together. It is a distressing struggle for her to stay strong and keep from allowing you back in her life.

The two of you are in a power struggle to see who gets to control the relationship. The problem is, if either one of you loses, you both lose. So neither of you can ever win.

The solution is to change the rules of the game. You must extend the boundary of your pride so that you are as proud of her as you are of yourself. Once you do that, her pride can never get in your way, because you share it equally. And the power struggle becomes meaningless - it would be like fighting with yourself.

Call her right now and tell her that of course you will accept her offer to come to MC with you, regardless of why she's offering, because even the smallest step to fix the relationship is well worth taking.

When you get to MC, tell the couselor that YOUR pride keeps getting in the way of the relationship, and ask for advice what to do about it. See where it goes from there.

Answer 3

She is scared of the unknown. You both argue a lot because you both are not either listening to each, respecting each other views or trying to be right instead of compromising with each other. She is going through the MC because she still wants it to work out. Her saying she wants a divorce is a defense mechanism for her feelings. See, what the next two appointment brings to the table.

Answer 4

Divorce-separation is a very confusing time for everyone involved. You sound as if you don't know that?!? Why question someone's reasons for counseling? It may or may not change her mind but if you want her then its worth a try.
Oh and by the way...since you asked this same question yesterday, I think your issue is probably some sort of compulsive disorder. Stop asking the same questions over and over until you get the answer you want. It doesn't change the reality. They make meds for your issue.

Answer 5

It would be good to have a few MC sessions with her, even if she wants a divorce. It will allow you to understand what went wrong and give you some closure. If she has any second thoughts, you can tlk about that too.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

Sounds like she doesnt know what she wants. Let her go to a couple sessions, see howit works out. Maybe the MC will change her view point on the divorce. It is worth a shot imo.

Answer 7

Maybe she's not so set on divorcing you yet. Hello, it's a wake up call, she wants to scare you into setting yourself straight. Marriage counseling can help the two of you work on your marriage and gain communication skills which is essential for a successful marriage.
Don't be so sure that she's set to leave you. If she's going to marriage counseling it's because she really wants to work things out with you and loves you.

Answer 8

Definately sounds like a pride issue. Shes curious to check it out but doesnt want to admit it, so is putting it all on you. I wouldnt let her tag along until she admits its at least a little for her too. Why would you want to be w/ someone so pigheaded? I mean, yeah chicks are stubborn, but she won, you guys are seperated, and she's still acting like that? Hmmm. And no offense, but my opinion on MC's is if its too the point you need a stranger to tell you how to fix it, its prolly not gonna last. Good luck tho!

Answer 9

You should not take her to the counseling if its 'just for you'. Even if her intentions are sincere she will bring with her the resentment from the difficulties you had when married and make it more difficult. Maybe she didn't believe you wanted the MC, and seeing you get counseling convinced her. Push for the MC again, and if she persistently refuses, you'll have to let her go.

Answer 10

Dont get offended but your wife doesnt sound as if she is very confused & lacks stability. Marital counseling is about both of you as a couple trying to work out your differences, I think she thinks she will be able to go into counseling & just release her negativity towards you off to the counseler? lots of people do this I know because I worked for a family therapist before & alot of times the ex will come along with a chip on their shoulders with the wrong attitude & try to control the therapist & you & only attend for selfish reasons, let me put it to you this way, if shes not going for the marriage then she is going to try and take you down, dont fall for that line of her wanting to be their for you bit, but do let her go & talk to your therapist before your wife comes because a good therapist can spot a drama queen & understands the games that people play, & a good therapist will put her in her spot within 5 minutes of the session, so I say, bring her along, what can it hurt, who knows maybe she can learn that this isnt all about her, although she acts as if she wants to go to counseling for you, thats a bunch of bull! This is a girl who thinks its all about her wants n needs, so take her with you & dont let her get the control & upper hand, have her learn the world doesnt revolve around her, marriage is about the two of you, not about her.