okay, just felt like asking opinions on this. i wrote this during our algebra class...hehe. be nice =]]
the look in your eyes
sends me to an abyss
where silence traps me
as i try to escape this hole
wishing to come back to life
hoping to find a way out
as i create my own battlefield
fairytale against what's real
as i long for a sanctuary
away from this puppet show
as i try to put an end to illusions
that led me to a labyrinth
as innocence drops a tear
which opened my eyes to revelations
that led me back to where i saw
the look in your eyes
=]]
2007-12-10 22:12:06 · 8 answers · asked by theresagarfield 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Love it, love it, love it this is exactly what I like in a working. It bleak, well written flows correctly and is gramatically correct, fantastic shock of emotion and darkness, well written, good job.
2007-12-11 00:44:11 · answer #1 · answered by kissaled 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have to agree with both answer 2 and 3. I especially enjoyed seeing the suggestion regarding "show it to your Algebra teacher" :)
2007-12-10 23:32:10 · answer #2 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its really nice
each stanza is good on its own
however, they dont really connect or flow
there is no story or theme or anything behind it which supports it
just a bunch of beautifully written words.
to make your poems better, first try to work out WHAT you want it to show. your theme or story or ballad or an incident.
not just emotions, because its not substantial enough to make sense on its own.
2007-12-10 22:24:02 · answer #3 · answered by rock_4eva 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I agree, not floetry to this poem. I get that you like someone and you don't have the nerve to tell him, but I got lost in all your metaphors.
2007-12-10 23:39:34 · answer #4 · answered by forestbythesea 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like a song from MCR.
2007-12-10 23:22:27 · answer #5 · answered by Thekunt DAS ORIGINAL 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's ok. You should show it to your Algebra teacher.
2007-12-10 22:21:18 · answer #6 · answered by Debra D 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
dark, but works well
2007-12-10 22:18:19 · answer #7 · answered by bwauder_td 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ya its nice
2007-12-11 02:10:16 · answer #8 · answered by Ahmed Zia 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋