Should I continue to send Christmas cards and presents to my husband's family?

Question

We have been married for over 5 years and every year I send "holiday" cards to his family (they are Jewish). I enclose pictures and letters, but we never get any in return. I send presents and again, nothing in return. I don't even get a thank you! He might, but he doesn't tell me. I don't care much for his family (two half sisters). I'm afraid if I stop sending cards and presents that my husband will think that I'm doing it to be spiteful. Should I continue to send cards and gifts to them? I told him that this year it was his responsibility and then yesterday he asked me what I was sending them! What would you do?

For the record, the cards that I send are culturally appropriate. Many are generic "season's greetings"; most are humorous cards of snowmen getting their twig "arms" stolen by dogs (Shoebox greetings).

Answer 1

It is a wise idea to send the cards, and it is easy to give a small, token gift. Even a coffee shop gift card is nice and doesn't take any effort. It sounds like you are burned out on it. Try looking at it as something you do because you love your husband and this IS his family (for better or for worse!).

Isn't it worth it to keep the family peace? You didn't say if you had children, but remember that are teaching how to relate to others through our actions. If we model graciousness and goodwill (i.e., take the high road), so will they.

Merry Christmas!

Answer 2

If someone doesn't even acknowledge you with a thank you for the gifts I would stop. I wouldn't stop because you don't get a card or gift in return because that isn't what Christmas is all about. However not a thank you is rude and poor ettiquette. However you did mention that they may be saying it to your husband. I think it was great for you to tell your husband to shop for them that was the perfect response. I am wondering what you said to him when he asked what you were sending them this year? I hope you stood your guard.

If you didn't then I would just tell him that each year your shop for them and don't know if the gift has be received, if they like it or even if they have thanked him. You spend alot of time and effort each year finding the right gift for them for it to go unaknowledged. Tell him that this year if you don't hear a thank you then you won't be continuing it. You have alot of things to do and if wants to send gift to his family then he needs to do that because he knows them better then you do in terms of shopping for them and knowing if the gift was received. You in turn will shop for your side of the family. However regardless of your effort with the card. I would send still send out the card. Do you write a generic letter or a personalized one? If generic slip it in....if it's personalized stop it and just give a phone call. It's quicker to update them on your lives or again tell your husband to do that.

Your not doing it to be spiteful not sending cards and presents you doing it because there is no appreciation for it. If he says you are doing it to be spiteful say "NO" I'm doing it because I am very busy and it goes unnoticed and underappreciated. If he wants to continue it's up to him.

Good Luck. Your not in the wrong here. What did he do before you got married????

Answer 3

I have a really good friend who explained the problem a person has who has been raised and practices a different faith, in a country with a different majority religion.
My Jewish friend tells me that if you respect the other persons and their peoples religion, then send a card for their celebration day, like Hanuka, The Redecoration of the Temple, for the Jewish people.
So go down to the store and pick up a card for Hanuka, or write it out by hand. Address it properly. And wish them a Happy Hanuka. See what happens when you do!
You will find the Hanuka falls in early Dec., but it lasts for three weeks I believe. So you could apologize for being late and promise to be timely next year.

Answer 4

I have Jewish friends who celebrate the gift-giving tradition of Christmas. I also have Jewish friends who are insulted if they receive Christmas cards from their friends of another faith. Perhaps your husband's family is offended by your cards and gifts. As others have said, next year send Hanukkah cards. Skip the gifts. There is NO excuse for not acknowledging them with a thank-you note, or at least a telephone call to say they arrived.

Answer 5

If they are jewish, then maybe the just don't support the types of things you are sending.
Maybe send some for the last time this year, so your husband doesn't think low of you.

Then through out next year bring it up with your husband, and ask if they have said any thing or that is it even worth sending them.
Especially if you are putting in the effort to go out to buy the cards and gifts and not even getting a thank you.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I don't think etiquette requires that you carry on sending gifts simply because you've made it a habit (or tradition), but I also don't think you should sacrifice your holiday ideals simply because they aren't shared by your husband's family. Perhaps they celebrate the holidays differently, or not at all, but if this is how you like to celebrate, then I think you should continue. I wouldn't interpret their lack of response as an affront. Give them the benefit of the doubt: They simply aren't card-sending gift-givers, and you are. More power to you.

Answer 7

I wouldn't send them s/h/i/t. They sound like some ungrateful and greedy stereotypical jews who like to use people. Who cares what your husband thinks about it. If he wants the one-way gift giving to perpetuate, leave him with the pleasure of doing it. It would be an esteemable act on your part to cut it off. You've been used for 4 years (most people would have stopped after 1). If they haven't said anything, they might be laughing behind your back at some of the gifts they received from and want YOU to stop sending them. My guess is that they don't want your gifts anyway....can't YOU get the hint? Plus, if they HAVE NOT ACKNOWLEDGED receipt of your gifts, rest assured they WON'T SPEAK TO NOT GETTING ONE FROM YOU. I DON'T reciprocate gifts if I don't want a gift exchange with a particluar person (another 'hint' not to continue exchange). Gift giving is not the true meaning of the Holiday anyway (Jewish or Christian). Don't send your husband's family s/h/i/t.

Answer 8

I think you should insist that he sit down and decide with you what to do. It doesn't sound as if his family cares if you get them presents or not, so it may not be a big deal. But you shouldn't make the decision alone or you may end up being the bad guy. Whatever you decide, he should take part of the responsibility and not put all this on you.

Answer 9

Maybe you could make sure that they are hanukkah cards. I would just continue to send them until someone tells you that you need to stop. It is a kind gesture to his side of the family.

You never know if it really means anything to them.

Maybe if you write a question in there you may here back from them, like if they have kids of their own, "Could you send us a picture of your kids?" or even "We should try to get together sometime." Anything to get communication running.

Answer 10

Send Cards that say Happy Hanukkah and send presents during the traditional Hanukkah days. They may feel that you are not honoring their beliefs. Talk to your husband and find out if maybe this is the problem. If it is a problem ask your husband to teach you how to honor their beliefs. I had a very close friend in High School who was Jewish and she wanted to celebrate traditional Christian holidays. Her parents agreed with my parents to let her spend Christmas and Easter with us if I spent Hanukkah and Passover with them. we both learned a lot about the differences and how passionate different people are about their faith. It is especially important at this time of year to honor individual beliefs and different holiday traditions.