Are there any errors in this college essay? What can I improve? English majors, I beg you!?

Question

I feel that my presence will bring further religious diversity to Rice University and the general community. My parents, wedded in a loving religious intermarriage, left it to my brother and me to decide our religious paths. After many years of deliberation, I chose to follow Judaism. Because as a child I was raised as both a Jew and a Christian, I am very accepting toward other faiths. Sometimes, while seated in the ultra-conservative Midwest, I feel as though no one shares my disposition, and that the majority finds religion less a sacred institution than another justification for fighting. I hold a firm conviction that the quality of tolerance is very important to a well-rounded person and I take pride in possessing it.

I am an atypical Midwestern candidate, with morals stemming from a combination of both Christian and Jewish roots. I am grateful for the outlooks both religions have taught me, and find I see the world in a different perspective than most. Perhaps, of all the lessons religion has taught me, I hold dearest to my heart a moral of Judaism: comfort those individuals who are misunderstood. I have dutifully taken this moral upon myself as a personal responsibility. The Jews, of all people, understand the pain of being held in contempt, and I will never allow myself to forget the understanding that my ancestors gained through blood. At Rice University, I will make it my personal goal to spread the gospel of tolerance.

Answer 1

Find another closing sentence. Besides that, it is fine.

Answer 2

I like it, as you have demonstrated tolerance and open-mindedness. I actually share your convictions, as I can see both sides of Christianity and Judaism, and can derive spiritual comfort from both religions.

As for mechanical errors, the only thing that jumped out at me was your second sentence. Leave out the word, "wedded". It makes the sentence sound stilted, and seems redundant, as well. Otherwise, your essay is most impressive. Good luck!

Answer 3

Drop the "have" in "locusts have uttered". "the musings of my greatest" should be "musings on my greatest". This is nitpicking; basically, it's fine.