can u critique my poem as harshly (constructive) as u want. don't sympathize. thank you.. its an 11th grade work. so tell me if i need to up the grade
"Pity"
The closed eyes of strangers, always biding to portray what they perceive
Left to be deceived with their blissful minds
As if not hopeless, not blind
And on the eve of mischief’s disbelief,
“Ignorance is bliss” a quote I always find
yet thief of grief
my spiteful smile
left others stare as if spewed rotten bile.
A despaired world left to be compiled.
Not repaired, just persist hostile
2007-12-10 14:27:17 · 10 answers · asked by Sad Monkey 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Actually, the message you're trying to convey isn't coming through. I think it needs a bit of a rewrite and a more measured meter in the lines you use. Also, some of the words you use are not needed. You could shorten some necessary lines by using more forceful or explanatory words, such as: "Shuttered eyes of strangers" "Biding to perceive" "Deceived with blissful minds" Stuff like that. It's still your lines, but they're shorter and more decisive. Also, the end is unclear and I think the finish it off properly, you'll want to have a clear message that can be understood by the general masses.
Just my opinion. It's a good poem, but it needs a bit of work. Good luck. Hope I've helped.
2007-12-10 21:59:24 · answer #1 · answered by Top Alpha Wolf 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is great! Very melancholy and profound. The figurative language is wonderful. I love these two:
mischief's disbelief (personification)
thief of grief (metaphor)
This is the best poem I've read on line ever.
I am an English teacher.
Excellent. If you don't get an "A" your teacher is jealous.
2007-12-10 14:34:27 · answer #2 · answered by Creole38 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Line 8 is odd to me.Like the content of your poem but alas,I am not a sonnet writer either...hope some of the experts on sonnet writing here tune in and help you!
2016-05-22 23:19:56 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Outstanding.
2007-12-10 14:32:11 · answer #4 · answered by Bob H 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Awesome!!!!! That is a great poem and the only thing I would say to change is you could have it rhyme and a little longer.
2007-12-10 14:30:27 · answer #5 · answered by hotshot396 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You know, I know what I like. This isn't it.
However, it's not horrible. It just needs meter.
2007-12-10 14:30:20 · answer #6 · answered by Stuart 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wow, its really good. Except the rotten bile part is really kinda gross.....will you answer my ? i've been waiting like an hour! Thanks' for the answer anyway!
2007-12-10 14:30:18 · answer #7 · answered by D 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I think it is very good
2007-12-10 14:30:46 · answer #8 · answered by **kia** 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
reads good to me.
2007-12-10 14:29:35 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow this is good
2007-12-10 14:30:18 · answer #10 · answered by dunbarrel13 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋