Is it over?

Question

I found out at Thanksgiving last year that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. i have now learned that they are still talking and of course they still work together. I want this to work out it is a 27 year marriage and beleive it or not I still love him. i need some advice on what to do next before I go crazy.

Answer 1

What did you do when you found out he was having the affair? I assume you are still with him.

You still love him, and it is evident in your words that you want your marriage to him, to work. I know this has to be so difficult for you.

Before you do anything .. you need to know what you can handle - and what youcannot handle concerning your husband.

From what I am hearing in your statement .. it kinda sounds like your husband may know that you love him a lot, and he probably thinks that he can do anything he wants to .. to you .. with the affair ... and that you will take it .. because you want your marriage to work. It sounds like your husband is really putting this in your face - by still talking to this lady, etc.

There are things you can do .. or can try .. but it may be tough things .. and in order for them to do any good, you would have to be strong enough to hang with your actions, the choices, the consequences .. and a husband who may give you a difficult time when you stand up.

I don't know your financial standing for yourself - but before you do anything .. be prepared to be able to support yourself.

First ... you need undisputable proof that they are still talking. If you can, you need to find out to what extent. Do your homework on them. Also - are you sure how far they are going this time?

Let me add - I will tell you what I would do ... but don't take my advice because I don't know your full situation ... and you may not be able to carry out the things which I would probably do.

His job ... has he been there long? How long has this lady been at the job?

If I decided to fight for my husband - rather than leaving his cheating self ... I would tell him I need to talk to him ... and I would not take the first grumble off of him. I would tell him that I am trying to get past the affair - but I know they still talk at work. TELL HIM .. you want to know what they talk about. Ask him tons of questions .. like .. do they do lunch together ? ... does he bring her coffee?? ... do they ever leave the office together ? ... do they tell each other they love each other? .. do they talk about the affair? .. how does he feel about her ? ... and so on.

Then .. I would shock him .. I would tell him to quit his job. I know, I know ... this may not be feasable ... but I would still tell him to quit his job - and I would act just like I was totally serious. If he has been at this job for many years .. he will tell you how absurb this is ... but I would still hold my ground - even though I may know it is impossible for him to do. I would make him think that I want him to do it - even though I know better .. (he needs a good shock). Then .. when it was settled that he was not going to quit his job ... then .. simply tell him that if SHE did not leave - that you were going to all the bosses and tell them about the affair - and that the 2 of them are still carrying on together. He will probably get mad at this .. and secretly be getting a little worried now .. because here is this wife who loves him, but is tired of his & this other woman's stuff .. and the wife is beginning to just not take it any more. Of course - you won't go tell the bosses - but he does not have to know that. Then .. when you get past this part - tell him that he better never talk to her again .. and if he does, that you will leave .. but before you leave - you will pay the lady a little visit at the office .. there are things you would everyone there to know. Truth is, I am pretty-sure that the whole office is more aware of things than you are ... however, it would not be a good thing if the wife appeared .. it would make the woman & the husband nervous .. and maybe emabarrassed.

As I said - you will have to be tough to do these things. Your husband does not seem to be paying attention to you .. and it sounds like he is rubbing all this affair stuff in your face. You CAN get HIS attention. It won't be easy ,,, it will be diffictult .. and you will have to be tough .. and be able to stand your ground.

You have choices.

One choice is to live with him - and put up with him and his affairs .. it seems put right in your face.

Another choice is to try to get his attention to straighten up.

The other choice is to leave him.

When a person goes to any bargaining table - they should always have a "Plan B" ... that way they are not so trapped at having no other choices, or no other solutions.

If you put up with his affair - he will be like a little kid who got caught doing something that they should not be doing - but there were no consequences & they got away with it ... sooooo .. they will continue to do it over & over & over.

I completely know, and understand, how this can drive a wife crazy ... but sometimes us wives have to take a stand. But again, I stress - that you have to be able to do it .. and carry it through.

You are hurt .. and probably feel so unable to stand up to him .. and her .. but it is possible for everything to change. Both of them are doing you wrong.

Think about this for a long time. There really is not enough information about the circustances to help give you better advice.

I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Talk to your husband. I don't want to sound "cold" about this, but is it just an affair, or something much more serious in that he may consider leaving you for her. Why do you think he is having the affair? Just sex, or is he looking for a new relationship? He must be near 50 or so, maybe he needs to prove to himself that he still has it? Just a man thing at that age.
I'm NOT putting this on you, but as a wife, you need to make it so he WANTS to come home to you. Spice thing up. Just my opinion.

Answer 3

27 years? you've already gone a long way together, manage the situation and don't allow one useless girl to disturb your home/marriage. Don't divorse or separate with your husband otherwise you are creating an avenue for her to come in. Fast and pray. I which u good luck

Answer 4

If their bosses don't already know, now would be a great time for YOU to tell them, considering the amount of time this has been going on. And if you haven't been to couples counseling, start immediately, and find out if there's enough left to your marriage to hold it together. Good luck.

Answer 5

it sounds like he is still cheating, the only reason he needs to talk to this woman is work related, and i doubt that is what is going on here, is there any way he can change jobs, but none of this really matters unless he is willing to quit cheating and work on his marriage. so that needs answering first

Answer 6

Suggest to thim that if loves you and values your marriage and your life together he needs to look for another job.

That's not to say he wont ever do it again, but at least it will get him away from HER.

Next, find out what he was getting from her that you're not giving him.

Answer 7

Wow,I can feel for you,,you are not crazy,,ther are only a few real resons why men cheat,,i was a dancer for 15 years and just got out of a 13 year fake lie,,i thought i was doing everything i needed to do to prove myself,,oh did that back fire,,so what my thought is ,,,they are trying to make themseves feel better insome sick way,or they are a sex freak,sex is something humans use to get back,as a tool,and the wepon that can ???? you know make us thing we are crazy,cheating is an emotion that we dont know how to take,iam not a cheater,i dont want to be with someone that is going to send home to sleep next _____ with a dirty mouth,,what kiids of person does that ?? alot!!women are just as bad,my son is being hid from me out of sick and twisted sex game along with a greedy ego,hold your head up high,,dont let sex bring you some where that u dont want to be,,dont give him what he wants and craves,contrill,i hate to say it but iam sur its not the first time,just like with me,iam not stupid by far,,but he got me..dont give in,do what what your heart tells you,,walk,,,sex is something you dont ever use to win a game that never was a game,,please let me know what happens,,iam sorry,,i have been talking to females on friendfinder..lol,,everyone is diff so its hard to say why,,but i would like to know why did you use so much energy to cover it up,,why not just let me go....why try to keep sooo bad,,,if that is what he has done then he wont get it nor will you ever get what you think you need or deserve,the healing is the painfull part,,go see my sister in to the light is the name of her stor,,fair oaks ca,,,,,,,good luck,,iam feeeeeeeeling you !!!!!

Answer 8

sorry to hear about your misfortune....I think your husband has gone selfish jackass on you