gazed up at your window
cold feet and ragged
would just like,
to see you,
just once again.
just hopes in a dream.
just hopes.
i say hi,
from where i am.
cold feet,an ragged...
hi.
D.
2007-12-10 13:09:11 · 4 answers · asked by dorian 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
don't be a fan,amy,just edit.been on stage so much playing music,jazz on the road,atteniion makes me neverous.don't know who to trust,,.
just edit it..i respect your knowledge of writing,,truly do,i do.
2007-12-10 14:02:17 · update #1
just gona leave it up to AMY to edit.
D.
2007-12-10 14:20:08 · update #2
"an ragged"?
It's shakey. The punctuation is all wrong. And it's whimpy amd cliche.
I am VERY picky about poetry.
2007-12-10 13:13:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I love "just hopes in a dream" and "cold feet and ragged"- both so expressive and thoughtful (full of thoughts). The "hi" at the end is quite poignant. You put words together in a unique way that is a style of your own. I am a great fan.
2007-12-10 21:39:23 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the "an ragged". It's unique, kind of like your signature. It shows personality and I think you should build upon this because it's got great potential. Most importantly, if you like it the way it is then don't change a thing. They are your words and that's all that matters.
2007-12-10 21:19:55 · answer #3 · answered by New Running Shoes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wasn't so kind with another submission, but this has more promise.
The title doesn't strictly fall into the context, but just my two cents.
I'd drop "JUST, in at least 2 places. I'd drop "I say Hi" and use "HELLO" from here..."from where I am" is rough. In fact I'd drop "HI" completely, and use AND rather than AN.
Steven Wolf
2007-12-10 22:13:18 · answer #4 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋