My sister is cheating on her husband...and wants to leave him!?

Question

I would appreciate input from people who don't just want to slam her, because I really don't need that right now..I am confused and need good advice!

She has been married for over 10 years, they have a child together (9 yrs old).

She says she has met someone else. She says that even if she hadn't met someone else, she would still want out of her marriage...now that she knows what is out there.

She married her husband right out of high school at 17 (not b/c she was pregnant--military).

She thinks she will get full custody just by asking for it. I tell her that's not how it works.

She can't just take their kid and move, can she? Please help, this is my sister...and my neice!

Answer 1

Oh dear..... your sister is thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I'm not sure how you can get her to realise that it's still grass, just packaged a little differently, and that in the end it's all just grass anyway!

I don't know how your custody works there, but in all likelihood she probably can just take the kid and move... but she might want to be careful what she wishes for. Maybe you can try to get her to counselling? Either way, having another guy involved is complicating the matter - she should dump him until she gets herself and her marriage sorted out (one way or the other).

Try to be there for her, she's probably confused at the present. All the best

Answer 2

If she does take your neice and leaves, the husband could call the police and she would be charged with kidnapping. She could do it, but it's very risky and dangerous.

you are correct about the custody. She'll have to go to court if she wants full custody with no visitation rights.

As far as what to say or what to do, just be there for her. You don't know what really goes on in their marriage. She may also be going through an early mid-life crisis since she married young and is now almost thirty. I would try to get her to talk to her husband and even go to therapy. I would also try to convince her not to leave but to really think about her decision. She's known her husband now for ten years, how long has she known this other guy? She also needs to come clean to her husband and tell him what's going on. I wouldn't interfere too much, because it may come back to haunt you. Just be there for her.

Answer 3

No she cannot take the kid, that would (could) be considered kidnapping and an Amber Alert can be issued.

Your sister did not go through the proper steps in being married, now it is time to be a big girl and do the right thing in divorcing him. Child custody and support (which I am sure your sister wants a piece of since it is military) will be handled in the divorce proceedings.

Answer 4

Your sister has been making some pretty bad choices for a while, and getting pregnant and having to get married so young is no way to start a marriage.

She wrongly thinks that what is "out there" is something better, however, she will soon find out that once the excitement wears off and reality sets in, she is most likely going to be in a much worse situation.

She will not automatically gain full custody, I don't know what your state laws are, but here that isn't the case at all.

There is only so much you can do, sadly, seems like she is the type that may need to crash and burn before she learns.
Sorry, hope it all works out.

Answer 5

No she can't, infact his adultry might hurt her chances of full custody so I'd be careful with how many people you tell that too. Custody can be a long a gruesome challenge and she would have a hard time moving and arguing her case. This is never a good subject and to be honest, your sister might want to think about the benefit and welfare of her child before she starts to sleep around. Very emotionally damaging at such a crucial stage. Yes, sometimes mothers should put their children ahead of themselves, no your sister did not do that . That makes her greedy.

Answer 6

No. She can't just take the child and you are right... it doesn't work that way. Ask any custody arragement. And don't forget it's for more years than they've been together.

She needs to slow down. She needs to weigh the consequences of divorce (and cheating) on herself and (more importantly) the child.

Her husband had better be pretty bad because a fling and marriage are totally different things.

But she really needs to settle things at home first. What message is she sending to the child by cheating?

Answer 7

She needs to quit prolonging the inevitable. If this is what she really wants, continuing to cheat on her hubby is not going to help matters. She could very well lose full custody. Must judges are opting for shared custody now a days and no she can not move out of state without his permission and could be forced to incur all costs of transportation for visitation if she does get full custody. I would advise her to think long and hard about moving out of state and a long custody battle because it could do more harm than good when it comes to her daughter. I hope you don't think I am trying to be mean because that is not my intentions I swear. I am only trying to be frank with you because that is how you're going to have to be with her.

Answer 8

She needs to start thinking with her head and not her heart. If she is truely unhappy in her marriage she needs to work on ending it and cleaning up the mess that will leave behind. Loverboy needs to be put on the back burner until she has control of her life again. If it is "true love" he will be there after she completes her business with her husband. It sounds like she wants the freedom she never had before because she married so young, but she won't find it if she jumps intoa new relationship right after ending the first. I'll bet one reason she wants this new guy is because she wants the security of a relationship but has told herself the problem is the man she is with. The problem is within herself. If she does what she is intending to do the way she is intending to do it, she will just end up unhappy again before too long. I guarantee that. Tell your sister to think really hard about what she is doing and be honest with herself about what she really wants out of her life. Tell her to look at what has gotten her to this point in her life and what she can do on her own to change it. Throwing her entire life away, just to jump into the same thing with another man isn't going to bring her long-term happiness. Instead of working on a new relationship with someone else her time would be best spent working on the relationship she has with herself. Encourage he to attend counseling BEFORE she makes any permanent changes in her life. If she doesn't want to do it for herself, she owes it to her child to make sure she has something solid to go towards when she leaves the only security her daughter knows.

P.S. Sorry for any misspelling. Spell-check isn't working on this site for me today.

Answer 9

Well, I think your sister should consider several things, for one her daughter, I am not suggesting that she stay in a relationship that she is unhappy in for her daughter (bc I believe that is not the answer) but she may want to consider that her daughter may not want to move, or live with her. Then she may want to consider that the grass isn't so green on the other side like she thought it was, I mean she is going from having two incomes to one. She is going to be a single mother now, and that is a harsh reality for someone who has been comitted so long. Then last but not least, she may want to consider his feelings, if she wants to leave, then do so, but don't string him along until she is sure, that is just rude and nasty and karma is a biatch! I understand she may like this new guy but if he really likes her he needs to wait until she gets things going on the seperation or divorce with her husband. My suggestion is tell her to think rationally. Bc once she does this she can't take it back.

Answer 10

Cheating is not the answer! She should TALK to her Husband about the whole "Separation" thing and Figure something out before going to Court. They need to come to an agreement with the kids, (Going straight to court is NOT always the answer) HOWEVER- If the Husband is not agreeing on ANYTHING then it would be her best bet to find a lawyer and talk about the situation.

I hope everything works out well for your sister and her Husband...