Do I need You?

Question

You think you have it all
Then life f**** it up
Now what do you do
You have nothing now

You worked for that moment
And it slipped right through your fingers
How can you stand on top?
When you hit rock bottom

Could you just stand there
And let it walk away
Or would you chase after it
Giv’in the chance

Would ya
Could ya
Should ya

What do I do now?
I don’t see the light anymore
Can you give me the strength
To continue on

Don’t let me fall
Hold me tight, please
I don’t think I can survive
Another fight

You’re my light
Let me shine through this darkness
All I need is you
You became my knight in shining armor
You’ll never leave me, right?

We made it through the years
You’ve always been there
I need you more than ever
No, don’t say goodbye

It started with 2 stanzas then I add on. Any one have alternate after the first 2 stanzas I am open to suggestions. I am just brainstroming

If you don't like the word, then can I please have another suggestion for the word. Thanks!!!

You think you have it all
Then life shatters it
Now what do you do
You have nothing now
Or
You think you have it all
Then like a mirror it shatters
Now what do you do
You have nothing now

Answer 1

I think the "would ya could ya should ya" are important to the structure of the poem but I would prefer "you" instead of "ya"- just more poetic. The poem changes from the "you" of speaking to yourself to the "I" of speaking in the first person there if I am reading the poem correctly.
This is very emotional and personal and I felt very moved by it. But I would changed f****ed to smashed or something. Keep working on it a bit and repost it. It has potential.

Answer 2

No offense at all, but I'd immediately drop the expletive, and slang.

It's an interesting piece though; in that you critisize and condemn; yet express need and desire. You expect "that" someone to NOT be strong, and possibly abandon you, yet ASK that they will never leave.

Obviously a very personal expression, and probably relative to an age or means by which you express yourself verbally. In it's beginning I want to assume YOU are the "IT" that this other person lost or gave up?

Finally I assume this is a PLEA to that other; to try to re-think what was, and attempt to make it GOOD again. I wish you well with the effort

Steven Wolf

Answer 3

Yeah, I'm not a fan of crude profanity in poetry.

You think you have it all
Then life f**** it up
Now what do you do
You have nothing now

Once had
Now lost in a day
Life's pleasures have blown the other way

Answer 4

i dont like it


you shouldnt used **** in a poem

and "would ya, could ya, should ya" it makes you sound like a little kid