Fading????

Question

Fading
I feel your presence levitating,
watching my every move.
Your hands outstretched, I'm suffocating,
dying by the arms of you.
fading way, such sweet sorrow,
unheard of in a world of art.
bridle and weak, breaking from meek,
dying out is my heart.
vision fading, pigments spread so far apart,
I'm drowning in destruction, lost from civilization, Lost of art.
I'm falling into an abyss of blank,
lower and lower though the hole,
burnt and worked, sucked of earth,
fading from the world in whole.
What do you think. It's preety flawed I think. Any suggestions on how to make it better???

Answer 1

No offense at all and thank you for thinking it might need help. I've been writing and publishing for more than 40 years and I realize so many who submit work here WANT to hear "GREAT". No one wants to be critisized for expressing emotions.

I do have suggestions however.

The context of the piece is very good. One of the problems I see in it are mixed metaphors and content, in the form of an actual PLOT or flow. Some spelling errors (easy fix); AND in some places you rhyme; while other alternate lines don't.

Without question it's a good base. Like a Guitar; it just needs some "tuning"

Steven Wolf

Answer 2

u could b more raw and just let ur thoughts flow...and take on the views of others or how u view their views..
(if u r searching 2 make future poems different)
ITS A REALLY GOOD POEM

Answer 3

wow, that blew me away! you should continue writing poems! try publishing it! that was amazing!

Good luck! ur great! don't let anyone tell u different! =)