Do you think this short poem is any good?

Question

This is the first thing ive ever really written what corrections would you make that would help my writng? And do you think it's any good? be brutally honest !

I was born with oceans for eyes
and much like a wave it comes
love flowing trapped until it breaks and flows into hate
stirred only by them my precious pearls
it cannot run nor can it hide it has no direction all it can do is flow back into itself
and that's what it does and there it remains an endless vast of blues to teeter on
there's not a big enough life raft to save it
so the waves continue to pound and produce waterfalls over the lips letting you taste the salt of life
there will be no end to this,it will never drain nor can it ever evaporate all you can do is float,ride the waves and keep faith that you won't drown

Answer 1

First, let me say wow, this is your first poem?! This is a great first attempt. Some things need to be cleared up and there is some work needed on line breaks, but other than that it's a good poem.

I have to agree about specifying the "it" in line two, it's not clear what you're talking about. Is the "it" love? If so, put love in place of "it." The rhythm of line five needs work, try reading it out loud (maybe take out "can it.") For the line breaks, reading your poem out loud will help you notice where the breaks should be. That will also help you notice what unnecessary words need taken out.

Answer 2

I was born with oceans for eyes
and much like a wave it comes
love flowing
trapped until it breaks, flows into hate
stirred only by them my precious pearls
it cannot run nor can it hide
it has no direction
all it can do is flow back into itself
that's what it does, there it remains
an endless vast of blues to teeter on
no floating deivce able to save it
so the waves continue to pound
produce waterfalls over the lips
letting you taste the salt of life
there will be no end to this,it will never drain
it can never evaporate
all you can do is float
ride the waves and have faith that you won't drown

I made the corrections that I believe would help this poem flow a little bit easier. One thing I can reccomend is to look at how many times you have written "it". Take a highlighter, and highlight all the times you see "it", and try to find a better fit for that space. I split some of the lines to make it easier to read out loud, as that's how I read poems. If the sentence is too long, you forget to breath, and it stops the flow.

All in all this is a wonderful poem, I love the imagery, and you have a very interesting but wonderful way of displaying your emotions. I liked this a lot, I think it is about crying and being depressed, right? I hope so, lol, because that is the best way I have ever seen crying displayed without ever saying anything about a tear.

Answer 3

Lucky did a very good job of versing your poem. A poem needs to flow and if possible have cadence. I can give you an example of cadence in one of the poems that I wrote.
~~ Damaged Love ~~
In a fury of anger we reel
Expressing the hurt that we feel
Creating a lot of despair
If only we had stopped once to care
(c) 1991 M. J. C.
But I feel that you have a lot of talent and I definitely think that you should keep writing. The more that you write the better you will get. Actually the thoughts that you are putting on paper are very good. It's all just a matter of how they are presented. Here's another poem that I wrote just as an example.
~~ Destined Love ~~
Loneliness did visit her, every now and then
But her kind and loving spirit never let it in
She lived her life and spread her joy
For all the world to see

But one just could not understand
Why she never noticed he

Then one day he shared with her
The secrets of his soul
And when their spirits intertwined
They merged to make one whole
(c) 1989 M. J. C.
Please keep writing you have a very good raw talent.

Answer 4

I responded to this same poem earlier.

Thank you for asking for Honesty. Not many people I know want to be critisized; certainly not judged for a personal expression of emotions shared.

Didn't you ask earlier for an interpretation?

As I answered earlier the piece is filled with metaphors; which is OK, as long as someone GETS IT. I interpret TEARS; LOVE; HOPE; obvious sadness; some anger.

I am curious however; no matter who the author; about the first few words. Is the intent to say one is born into sadness; depression; loss? AND yet Hopeful? Certainly in depression one can "drown" in their own self pity. The Life raft; to me; represents self will; resolve; inner strength, inert or not.

Steven Wolf

Answer 5

I loved it. It was awesome for your first poem. I won't lie. It doesn't flow well and has a few mistakes. Keep rereading it until it sounds good. If you think it sounds good then it's good. Write for yourself and not for other people.

I hope you keep writing!!!~

Answer 6

it was weird where you spaced the lines, i don't know if that was just because you did not have any more room in this box or if that is actually where you ended the lines.

Answer 7

you need to be a little more specific...like when you say "and much like a wave it comes"...i wasnt really sure wat u meant by "it"...but it is very good.u should put up more :)