Everytime I see you, and I look into your eyes,
Its hard to walk away, with out the tears and sighs.
Everytime I think of you, your running through my mind,
All the smiles and all the laughs have vanished&are left behind.
The times that were amazing still fill my eyes with tears,
The times that were distinguished still face me in the mirror.
All the problems and the tears that rolled down my cheek,
Every jealous remark you made when I tried to speak.
The time we did your room and painted all the walls,
The time we spent up all night and argued all those calls.
The night I went out with a friend & u waited for me at the door,
All the names you called me especially a whore.
And I still loved you, no matter the words that were said,
Inside I felt like you didn't care even if I was dead.
I still remember all those late and long nights,
And all the stupid arguments and fights.
Every hockey game, and only one goal all season,
And when you ****** with my best friend and gave me no reason.
2007-12-10 11:24:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
When the winter arrived and the nights were so cold,
When you gave me your jacket and your hand to hold.
When we helped your uncle move and I did most of the work,
And the times you talked to my friends and were being such a jerk.
I remember everything we did and how our love began,
From the last words spoken to the last grain of sand.
I will hold it in my heart and the everlasting words unspoken,
Even though the memories leave my heart in pieces and broken.
2007-12-10 11:24:53 · update #1
i have the correct spelling but to fit it in the ask section i had to add & and U in some spaces...
and the second section i just posted differently by accident
2007-12-10 11:30:22 · update #2
The begining is good! Brought back a lot of memories I personally left behind. The last part of the poem is good but maybe needs a little revising. Try keeping the same ideas but reorganizing them. This way it flows a little better instead of jumping back and forth, which makes a little confussing. Sounds like this guy is a REAL JERK! We've all been there. learn from it and move on. Your better than sulking in his past mistakes and there is definately someone else out there who is much better siuted for you. Good luck and look forward to the revisements. You were great a giving a visual of your experience, sorry you had to go threw it but there is a reason to everything. You'll see. Bump him to the curb for good!
2007-12-10 11:33:24 · answer #1 · answered by artbrat 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i edited it for you.......... hope you like it! your poem was REALLY good! good job and some bf.
Everytime I see you, and I look into your eyes,
Its hard to walk away, with out the all tears and sighs.
Everytime I think of you, your running through my mind,
All the smiles and all the laughs have vanished&are left behind.
The times that were amazing still fill my eyes with tears,
The times that were distinguished still face me in the mirror even after all these years.
through all the problems and the tears that you saw roll down my cheeks,
Every jealous remark you made when I tried to speak.
The time we did your room and painted all the walls,
The time we spent up all night and arguing all those calls.
The night I went out with a friend & u waited for me at the door,
All the names you called me especially a whore.
And I still loved you, no matter what words that were said,
Inside I felt like you didn't care even if I was dead.
I still remember all those late and long nights,
And all the stupid arguments and fights.
Every hockey game, and only one goal all season,
And then you ****** with my best friend and gave me no reason.
When the winter arrived and the nights were so cold,
When you gave me your jacket and your hand to hold.
When we helped your uncle move and I did most of the work,
And all the times you talked to my friends and you were always such a jerk.
I remember everything we did and how our love began,
From the last words spoken and the last grain of sand.
I will hold it in my heart the everlasting words unspoken,
Even though the memories leave my heart in pieces and broken.
2007-12-10 11:30:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You were doing pretty well until you got to WH*** and FU****
Even as Rhymey as it is, you damaged yourself with just those two words, and could have chosen so many others that fit.
What I'm curious about; since it seems this is a statement expressing anger at someone; WHY do people even bother?
Otherwise the piece is pretty decent
2007-12-10 11:48:34 · answer #3 · answered by DIY Doc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there is some emotion there
but, your lyrics lack subtlety
don't just come right out and say things, embed them within the lyrics and give them a deeper meaning
2007-12-10 11:28:54 · answer #4 · answered by man on the mountain 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take out the end rhyme, not all poetry has to rhyme. Show, don't tell. Avoid cliches.
2007-12-10 11:34:32 · answer #5 · answered by anautumnrayne 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It needs a ton of work. Just start over.
2007-12-10 11:27:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
i like it alot you got some skills
2007-12-10 11:28:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would deffinetely use more indents and check over your spelling.
2007-12-10 11:27:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋