My ex-husband sent me an e-mail saying that I under no circumstances should think of moving into an apartment with my 15 year old daughter. We have been living on our own for a few months now and I was under the impression that my daughter told him.
We were living with my parents and it was getting uncomfortable and my mother asked me to move out.
I wonder now if I am accountable to my ex-husband because of our child or if I have to look to my own comfort and sanity also. I could have sacrificed my own happiness and lived with my parents, but it was getting difficult especially with my mother who is rude and cranky and cries easily for no reason.
I keep questioning myself and don't want to face the issue with my ex-husband and it makes me made that he thinks he can still tell me what to do just because our child is with me. Does that give him the right?
2007-12-10 09:23:09 · 16 answers · asked by Stareyes 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have no obligation to to your Ex, except what is in the divorce decree. You are split and have no say in each others lives. You should have a business like co-parenting relationship with him regarding your child, but that is it. If things are strained between you, your conversations should be limited to your child only. Not your personal life, where you live, who you are dating or what you are doing. Sounds like he is using your child to try and dictate your life and that is just wrong. Some parents will even threaten things if they don't like certain things, but that is the absolute worse thing they can do as a parent (unless the child is in danger). Clearly he needs to step off.
Do not question yourself. Do what you feel is right for you and your child. This is no longer a shared life with him and it is not his business. If you were moving far away or out of state, then he may have somewhat of a say, but that should take place in court. You need to set some clear boundaries with him. Tell him that you will discuss your child, but nothing more. He should carry on with his personal life, as you will yours. If he crosses that boundary and tries to talk about anything else, hang the phone up on him, walk away or simply don't respond to his emails. There has to be consequences for over-stepping boundaries. Make this boundary clear to him, because you can't expect him to follow it, if he doesn't know about it. It will be tough, but he will learn. I would tell him this and then simply not respond to any further communication about anything other than your child.
If he gives you trouble or threatens you legally, take notes of everything he says and does with dates, times and witnesses names. Keep a journal, any emails and any recordings he leaves. As long as your child is in good care and is safe, he should mind his own business. Stay strong and stand your ground. He has no say in this and he has no right to tell you where to live. Best wishes sweetie!
2007-12-10 10:10:07 · answer #1 · answered by 2008girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are only accountable to your husband as far as your custody agreement says you are. If you have joint custody, then you owe him the courtesy of keeping him up to date on her school, events in her life, etc., and not standing in the way of his communication with his daughter.
However, you and he are divorced -- he lost his vote on your living arrangements as soon as he signed that decree. As long as your living arrangements are safe, healthy and appropriate, then he has no reason to complain.
Put on your big girl panties and just TELL him that you and your daughter are now living on your own and give him the address -- he has the right to know where his daughter is living. Assuming that you're not living in a crack house, that's the end of it. If he starts complaing, practice this line: "This is not up for a vote. This is the way it is. Deal with it."
Who cares if he complains? You aren't married to him -- you don't have to listen to him any more! You can gently hang up on him, you can refuse to take his emails, you can simply say, "This is NOT a topic for conversation," and change the subject. Of course it makes you angry -- but Stareyes, the reason you are angry is because you feel powerless. And the only reason you feel powerless is because you have given this man -- your EX-husband -- the power to make you feel uneasy, unsettled and defensive. Once you realize that he has NO say in the matter, you will begin to feel in control.
I have no idea what kind of marriage you and he had, but this is not the time to re-live old patterns. Isn't it wonderful?! He doesn't run your life anymore! So stop acting like he does.
Just a thought: Your daughter will probably have a little more respect for you if you stand up for yourself and don't let your ex intimidate you any longer.
2007-12-10 22:42:23 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is it part of your divorce decree/child support/child custody order that you must reside in your parent's home as long as your daughter lives with you? If it's not ordered by family court/judge then you can live in an apartment if you choose and he has no say in it, nor do you need his permission to do so...the only things you are accountable for are outlined clearly in your divorce decree and order of child support and custody....if it aint in there, then it cannot be legally inforced.
Quite frankly I don't see any family court judge ordering that, as most single mothers do rent apartments, some reside with parents if they can't afford to, or choose to because they get along well. Sounds like he wants you where you're less likely to have the freedom/privacy of another man in your life in future.....is that possible? or he doesn't want a stepfather in his daughter's life, for he runs the risk of her becoming attached to a good stepfather in in his mind feels it'll take away from him, which it will not.
Since your mother has asked you to move, does he suggest an alternative to an apartment...such as renting a home and he make up the cost difference? He must realise that as the homeowner your mother can have you legally put out, (I don't believe she would) which means she cannot be forced to let you live there, nor can your ex dictate to her....and she sounds like a lady who would read him the riot act if he tried.
So....
Get the apartment if no where in the above court documents it states you can't live on your own with your daughter in an apartment......and any e-mails he sends to you starting with the one you mentioned, and any he may send in threatening retaliation you save/copy incase he becomes too difficult to ignore....you could some time down the road make a case for harassment. However....
...I don't believe it'll come to that. Ignore the unreasonable demand/threat/attempt to control you and get yourself your own home with your daughter & enjoy........
..and if does he continues to harrass you, contact the lawyer who represented you in your divorce to discuss what can be done to put an end to it. Just because you two share a child doesn't make you accountable to him for the rest of your life, or even until she's emancipated in the eyes of the law. Good Luck.
2007-12-10 17:53:20 · answer #3 · answered by The Original GarnetGlitter 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless there was a judgment entered that says you have to have your ex-husband's permission to move out of your mom's house you can do as you please. If you move somewhere that will effect parts of the judgment such as visitation, then that is something that will definitely need to be worked out and you may find that you need to amend the official ruling with the court to account for the change. But if you're moving a few blocks, or even a few miles, away...tell him to go take a flying leap. And if he says he's getting a lawyer and/or going back to court be sure to take a picture of his face when the judge laughs in it...just for fun.
2007-12-10 18:13:03 · answer #4 · answered by QT_Pie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Where's he living at? No, it isn't his call as to whether you can live in an apartment on your own or live with your parents. The only way he could have a say in it is if you are trying to move a good distance away or you are moving into a dangerous area.
2007-12-10 17:28:58 · answer #5 · answered by littlevivi 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is your ex. You are not accountable to him on anything. He has a right to know and have input in your daughters life because he is her father. He can not tell you where you can and cannot live unless he is planning on paying all of the bills for you.
2007-12-10 17:32:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
girl.... get some backbone!!! not only does he not have the right to sway you in any direction, he shouldn't care... he forfeited his right to have any say when he didn't do everything he could to keep the marriage together... and if it was you that messed it up, well, and decided it was over, then my opinion is that he is still trying to hold on... which ever the case.... a divorce is a separation of union and he no longer has a say....
2007-12-10 17:31:21 · answer #7 · answered by Jeanette 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that the rules only apply if you're thinking of moving out of state or far away... then you'd have to go to court, etc. But if you're moving locally to an apartment, your ex needs to mind his own d*mn business!!
2007-12-10 17:29:47 · answer #8 · answered by amelia_02 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He can not tell you where to live unless you are putting your daughter's life in danger=he sounds very controlling-just ignore him and do what you want to do-those are empty threats. If he says anything just tell him to get over it-your happiness is important-what's his problem?
2007-12-10 17:29:15 · answer #9 · answered by Lunaeclipz 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The only perso nthat you are accountable for is yourself and your child, you have to make sure that your child has a good enviroment to live in and your parents house is not, you are teaching your child insercurties issues
2007-12-10 17:33:50 · answer #10 · answered by kelly 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋