I have had a hard financial time lately even though I am working 2 jobs & we live a very simple life. So when my ex offered to pay for Christmas this year, I was surprised, happy and relieved. We went shopping this past weekend. When it was time for him to leave, I reminded him my child support had been due three days earlier. He got very quiet and made a comment about having to pay for all of Christmas on his own then he guessed. I was floored. He never said he would pay for Christmas in leiu of child support. I mean bills don't stop just because it is Christmas. If I could afford to not get my child support, I would have paid for Christmas myself. So he wrote me a check for $50 less and made a comment saying he felt taken advantage of. I told him that I must have misunderstood what he said and that he knows I don't have any money. He has a much better paying job than me, has a wife who makes good money and they have no children together. (cont.)
2007-12-10 08:52:42 · 25 answers · asked by wondermom 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He lives a much more expensive, full of extra life that me and my children don't get. He knows how proud I am and I would have never asked him to do this. Now I feel awful about myself and so angry! For years, after the divorce, he was moving around, floundering got a bunch of debt and I paid for everything and never said a word to him about it because I knew he couldn't afford it.
I don't have the money to tell him to shove it. So what do I do? Was I wrong or was he?
2007-12-10 08:55:21 · update #1
He either was really stupid about communication, or tried to pull a fast one on you. Either way, it is his problem, don't let him make you feel bad.
Next time I'd have him write it down to be clear, and also ask if there were any strings attached.
2007-12-10 09:01:33 · answer #1 · answered by stenobrachius 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, nobody is really wrong. He thought he was doing a good thing and you misunderstood what he meant. However, I personally think that by offering to pay for Christmas should have been on top of the child support as its extra expense, not normal expense. Anyone would have thought what you did. I would just shrug this one off and have a nice christmas. He might have the lifestyle, but he doesn't get to live with his children and have their constant love. I shouldn't think he will offer that sort of thing again, so it probably wont arise. I can see why you would be so angry and frustrated if you have helped him out in the past but really, is it all worth it in the end? You just get on with your life. It sounds a whole lot more fun than his - and you wont be poor forever!
2007-12-10 17:08:58 · answer #2 · answered by AUNTY EM 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I think it's a lesson for both of you. For him, it's never to try and 'skimp' when it comes to his children. For you, make sure you communicate about a situation thoroughly before accepting an offer for something like this.
He is wrong, as far as I'm concerned. Child support should be paid, when it is due, for the amount set by the courts. Anything purchased for his children above and beyond that should be because he wants to do it for them. It is very low, and speaks a lot to his character, that he would even offer and expect it to come out of the child support. I know someone that had something similar happen to her. She got a call from her ex while the kids were with him. He said that the zipper was broken in his son's coat, and does he have to go out and buy a new one? If he does, he's deducting it from the child support payment! Now explain that to me?!
What I would do in this case, if the items purchased are things that your children haven't asked for specifically, and they don't know about them yet, is return them for cheaper gifts, and use the extra cash to help make up for the extra $50. I know it sounds a bit low, but at this point, what's more important? Toys or bills?
I would have the amount paid re-examined, as others have mentioned. It is very possible that the courts may increase his payments. It's only fair to your children. It will also help out financially for you, because you don't have to worry about your kids needs.
*I forgot to add - cash the check, too, while you're at it. I think this was pretty low of him in the first place.*
2007-12-10 17:18:28 · answer #3 · answered by Shayna 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My heart truly goes out to you and your family especially at this time of year. I'm not sure how long you and your husband split up, But.. My guess is you both have moved on. He is in another relationship and I feel that him offerring to pay for all of Christmas for his children and you both shopping together well it seemed to me that there is no anger. I understand that the bills do not stop for Christmas I feel I would give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him that you appreciate all that he is doing. If he is a schmuck his time will come. In the end you sound like a really proud but nice person. I would let this roll off your back and go on and smile knowing that you and yours will be just fine. Good things do come trust me on that.
2007-12-10 17:12:17 · answer #4 · answered by J N 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's wrong. Child support is controlled by the courts. You had an agreement for X amount of dollars to be sent by a certain day of the month. There should be NO exception to that agreement, unless you ask for the money early.
In this case, you didn't ask for him to pay for all of that. He choice to do it. It's horrible that he would try to pass off giving his kids a good Christmas as child support.
I can see why you divorced him.
I would press for the child support. It's his obligation by the courts. Anything else (like Christmas gifts), should be a voluntary gesture from his heart.
Let your lawyer or whoever know about this.
2007-12-10 17:03:59 · answer #5 · answered by J'adore 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Right or wrong isn't the question really. You are legally covered by asking for the child support because there was no prior agreement (implied or otherwise) that him paying for some Christmas was a substitute for child support. If you wanted to be hard about it you could even push for the extra fifty. My problem is that if he makes all of this money then why would he even bother buying extra stuff for the kids?
2007-12-10 17:00:07 · answer #6 · answered by No one 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I DEFINITELY believe he was trying to be slick. Why else would he have gotten quiet when you asked about your money? And even though he bought you stuff, you can still take him to court for owing you this months money. The courts will see NOT count the Christmas shopping as child support payment. So, they will more than likely make him pay. I know because I was told that receiving the rent money from our house does not constitute as child support.
Don't let him make you feel guilty. That's the biggest cop out. So yes, you should most definitely say something to your lawyer.
2007-12-10 22:00:41 · answer #7 · answered by Leilani F 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was just a misunderstanding, there wasn't a right or wrong. You shouldn't feel bad and I bet you'll ask next time he makes an offer to do something extra nice. Don't be so hard on yourself...you depend on that child support on a monthly basis, Christmas or no Christmas. So when taken away it throws you for a loop. Its ok it happens to all of us.
2007-12-10 17:10:50 · answer #8 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong... It is his responsibility to provide for those kids that he had a hand in creating...it is his job to provide gifts for under the tree, don't you feel guilty for one moment, he did this to get to you and your are letting it, you told him upfront that you misunderstood him, he was trying to get the cheap way out and you didn't allow that to happen good for you, you stood your ground. He is the father no matter what kind of a relationship you two have, your kids are the indocent by standers and deserve to have a nice Christmas. You tell him that you did not take advantage of him, he just acted like a dad for a moment in his life... now I can see why you left him, I would have also!! Have a Joyful and a Blessed Christmas!!!!!
2007-12-10 17:04:01 · answer #9 · answered by kelly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you are right!!!! Its his responsibility to pay for the child support and still get the kids gifts hes just trying to be cheap. If anything go back to court and ask for more money. Now that he has a better paying job. Girl you did nothing wrong.
2007-12-10 17:09:13 · answer #10 · answered by Aikalee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not his fault you don't earn much, and his wife's income shouldn't be part of the equation. He should have explained up front that he would pay for Christmas and deduct some of it from child support. he shouldn't have made that offer without knowing how much he was willing to spend, but he seems to have his limits, as indicated when he underpaid the child support. you both need to stop feeling like victims and grow up.
2007-12-10 16:59:15 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋