So lost, confused and hurt don't even understand....?

Question

I've tried so many different things to try and not be depressed. Medicine, therapy, new hobbies, hanging out with friends, etc. But still I am so depressed. All I can think about what my wife is doing and how she can abandon me and not even care & have no regrets about the affair and running across the country to live with the guy she knew online for a couple weeks, & hurts more she is "happy" with her decision. She has no idea the amount of pain and anguish she inflicted on me & her family, neither does she even care. Everyday I wake up wishing I was dead, I still cry everyday cuz it feels like I've been stabbed repeatedly, and it's been 3 months. I feel like I'm about to breakdown. I don't understand how someone can do something so terrible like she did & have a "happy life" jumping into an affair, while I'm left holding the bag suffering and not even look back. How do I gain my happiness back? Been 3 mos & still depressed! Do ppl like this ever feel remorse?

I am 24 almost 25 married 3 years. She is 23, the guy she ran out on me with is 21.

Answer 1

Have you tried therapy? How old are you and how long have you been married?

Answer 2

Sometimes we don't know why people do the things they do! I'm really sorry that you are going through this! She sounds like she is a very selfish person, that cares about nothing, but herself and what makes her happy! Sounds like she cares nothing about your feelings or her family's feelings! That' sad! She is not worth getting depressed over! I think it would help you alot, if you could just start going out and meeting other women. I am sure that you will find someone, that will treat you with more respect and love! I went through something similar about 20 years ago. I had a long distance relationship,and was engaged to someone, that at the time meant the world to me. I find out that during the time we were apart, he had another girlfriend, behind my back, that he was messing around with. I broke off the engagement. Thank God, as soon as I found out, was hurting for a long time, and thought I would never find anyone, that I could love again. About 1 year after this happened, I met the man that I had been waiting for all my life. I have been happily married to this man, for the last 17 years, and our relationship is stronger now, than ever. He treats me like a queen. I thank God everyday, for my husband. I thank God, I broke up with my ex-fiancee, and did not ruin my life by marrying him! There is someone out there for you too! It's true what they say about, meeting the right person, when you least expect it. You sound like a nice guy, and I don't think that you will have any problems finding someone else. Trust me, when you do find that right person, the depression will disappear! You deserve to be happy and someone much better than her! Good Luck! Hope everything works out for the best!

Answer 3

I'm so sorry. I had the same thing happen to me. You'll never get an answer to satisfy "why" they did what they did.

Believe it or not, as time goes by, the pain will hurt less. It took me over six months to stop crying when my spouse cheated on me, then another year and a half to get myself to move on without dwelling on it.

Try hard at just moving forward with your life. It will be hard and painful, but it will get easier. I wanted my spouse to feel remorse, but wanting someone else to hurt just as bad as they made you hurt won't change anything. You can't think about wanting revenge, it only keeps you from moving on.

Let it go. As impossible as it may seem, let it go. Holding on will only make you hurt longer. Go out and try new things. I joined clubs and went back to school. I also took up running. I was so mad I started running and running and running. I'm not sure if I was running away from something or if I was just so mad I couldn't stop running . . . but it helped. Believe it or not, exercise can work miracles.

Answer 4

The first thing you must do is stop the vicious circle of your thoughts. I know it's hard, but you have to really WANT to stop thinking about her. No, STOP. It's not about her. She's gone. Won't be coming back. GONE. Buh-bye! She wasn't worthy of you or your love or your heart.

Fill your time with things about YOU. Get rid of things that remind you of her. Every time you throw something away - think that you're throwing HER away. She's trash. Just garbage to be gotten rid of. Take a picture of her and flush it down the toilet. Focus on the sound of her being flushed into the sewer along with all the other feces floating around down there.

Know that, just like in grieving a person's death, there's a series of stages.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

You're still in the denial stage - where you just can't believe someone could do something like that to you. One can bounce around before finally getting to Acceptance, and even then, you can still regress every now and then.

Focus on YOU. From your picture, you appear to be a handsome guy. You obviously have a heart, and are capable of feeling. While it might be too soon for you (right now) to feel like meeting someone new - don't turn that option completely off, either. Do something wonderful for yourself! Splurge a little!

The main thing is to just let her go. SHE caused this hurt. Keeping her around in your thoughts and in your heart will continue that hurt. LET HER GO. (She really wasn't all that nice, anyway).

Answer 5

My first question: How do you know she's happy? She's human (mostly), and subject to all the trials and tribulations as the rest of us. She may seem happy to you, but rest assured that she will have the same struggles and challenges as everyone else, maybe even more as the path of her decisions catches up with her.

Second: What did you do before you married her? What did you do for fun? Who were your friends? Are they still your friends? Reclaim that part of you that was replaced by her. If she doesn't want to be with you anymore, I know it hurts, but screw her. Let her run off and make some other dude miserable. You have been given a second chance at a better life with someone else.

Take the vacation she would never go for. Hang out with your friends all night and have some fun without having to explain yourself in the morning. Trade your car in for something less practical and more fun. TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK. I am a happily married man, and I have seen this happen to friends of mine who found themselves better off 6 months or a year later. Every one of them (without a single exception) found their manhood again, discovered that they could have fun again, and lived their lives until thet met someone better for them than they ever thought they deserved.

Your ex-wife has a new life, it's time for you to start yours too. Quit wondering what she's doing and if she's happy, start paying attention to what you're doing and what makes you happy. Don't live the rest of your life trying to pay her back for her actions. Let it go. I know it's hard but it will only eat you up inside. Let it go, move on, and live your life for you again, like you did when you were younger. You get to be a goofball again without any guilt or explanations. Enjoy your newfound freedom.

Answer 6

First off, sorry for your loss. I can directly relate the stigma of divorce, my situation is that I have a child with this woman and that makes everything super strange. She found someone during our "trial separation" and moved in with him. I guess it was an ex from her old high school or something. To regain your happiness, take a step back and start doing those "me" things you didn't get the chance to do while you were married. It took me about 9 months to get over the whole divorce and custody issues. But doing the "me" things definitely took my mind off of the divorce and made me look at things in a different light.

Answer 7

Trust me, dude, here's what helped me:

A. I read two Dale Carnegie books - (1) Stop worrying and start living and (2) How to make friends and influence people

B. I began listening to the online stream of the Tom Leykis show (also pod casts). There are plenty of dumb callers, but with many you will relate. Give the show plenty of time and you'll begin to see the wisdom.

These two things changed my life forever. Ever since, I've been focused on improving myself and doing what makes me happy. I now have a vision for my life and never been more happy.

Answer 8

First of all, I know what you are feeling. Been there done that. Unfortunately, you are going to feel this for awhile.

I went on a "go out and see the world" stint, where I went and did all of the things I could not do when I was with her. That helped. It has been 3 years for me, and I still focus on doing things that I like to do, that she wouldn't do when we were together.

These things fade over time. It pretty much sucks in the beginning, especially during your free time. Try not to dwell on it, although that is easier said than done. Just focus on moving on, and growing as a person in SPITE of her.

No, I am afraid that people like he never feel remorse. Of if they do, you will not know.

Hang in there! Things will get better from here!

Answer 9

I feel so bad for you. What a rotten thing to do.
Try not to beat yourself up over something she has done. She has been deceitful and from what you've said sounds pretty self centered and selfish. And no I don't think people like this feel remorse because like you said they don't care who they hurt.
Keep doing what you are doing and instead of looking back look forward. Start divorce proceedings a look forward to a new beginning. You deserve so much better than this.

Answer 10

You cannot expect yourself to get through this in just three months. Also, a support group of people who are experiencing a similar situation would be of great help to you! Once a person is left by the one they love, the rejection alone can be devastating. From all your questions as to how she can do this indicates you did not really know her. The person you thought she was did not exist, at least not the way you saw her. She obviously did not value the relationship she had with you as you thought she did. I am so sorry you are going through this. We all have been through one broken heart or another and it is not fun. With time and effort, you will get over it. Best of luck to you!

Answer 11

Give yourself more time. My ex did something similar and it took me about 5 months just to feel like I was breathing again. After about the first year I was doing much better. Two years later I was doing great. Don't harm yourself. Go see someone ASAP if you are seriously thinking of harming yourself. Some personal counseling could really help. I suggest the book Rebuilding, when your relationship ends by Dr Bruce Fisher.