I started dating this guy for a month now and things are great, besides the fact he is divorced and has an ex wife, he just recently told me he has a "domestic violence" on his record from an argument him and his wife had had years ago and she had called the police. He said he had pinned her down when they argued, she called police and he was arrested. he does not seem like a violent person, should I continue to see him or would you be freked out by his record?
2007-12-10 07:26:48 · 24 answers · asked by kelly k 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ask him if you can see the police report about it. honestly, if he has nothing to hide, he should be willing to show it to you. if he is telling the truth, i would stay with a man that only pinned a woman down. it's not like he hit her or anything. maybe she was trying to get physical with him and he was only trying to stop her. i would talk with him some more about it.
2007-12-10 07:30:05 · answer #1 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
You can go to the court house where the record is located and request to look at the file. Its free and easy in most cases.
The problem is is that a lot of abusers minimize stuff like that. Do you want to be pinned down if you have a heated argument with him? He makes it sound like no big deal, but it IS a big deal. And its a red flag if he doesn't think its a problem to do that.
To me, it sounds like he is putting a spin on the violence and testing the waters. If you don't think its a big deal than a) you won't be bothered when others tell you stories about him and b) you don't think its abnormal to fight this way. You'll love him despite the violence, which is what abusers love best in a woman. So, red flag for me.
You could talk to his ex-wife and get her version. Chances are it will be different than his. Compare it to the courts version. Then compare those versions with his...
Most abusers never seem violent when you date them. If they did, they'd never be able to lure a woman into a relationship, let alone, marriage with them. No one would ever be abused if they weren't so good at being prince charmings!
Having been in an abusive relationship before, I only dated men who had good relationships with their ex-wives... or at least civil. Does he ever have anything positive to say about his ex? My husband told me how he disliked his ex personally, but that she was a great mom. He didn't say it with anger, but in a matter of fact kinda way. That spoke volumes to me.
Personally, I'd run for the hills if a man told me he had a DV conviction,... it should definitely be a factor in deciding where your relationship with him will go.
2007-12-10 15:44:29 · answer #2 · answered by divineblue_tigerlily 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That would be a big red flag to me. I do like the fact that he told you, that shows honesty and that he wants to be upfront about his past. Everyone makes mistakes but this was a BIG one. I would tell him that it concerns you and ask what he's done to make sure it never happens again. Has he learned to deal with anger in a more mature way? Just talk to him about it and let him know that any violence is a deal breaker, period. If this was years ago he could have very well learned his lesson. See how things go the first time you have a disagreement. If he doesn't seem to deal with it well you might want to think about not dating him anymore.
2007-12-10 15:50:09 · answer #3 · answered by oracleofohio 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he did it to her, he will do it to you. There are plenty of good men out there. You certainly don't need to be with one who has pinned a woman to the floor in a fight. (And by the way, none of them "seem violent" in the beginning.) Violence is usually part of a pattern and men who do it once will do it again. I think we need to start taking a 0 tolerance approach to domestic violence.
And for those who will inevitably say, "You don't have any proof," benefit of the doubt or other "his word against her word nonsense"...please don't listen to them. You do not want to be in the situation where you become the evidence that he is abusive.
2007-12-10 15:35:33 · answer #4 · answered by Karen G 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well first find out what he really did. Not from him and not from her go on-line and look it up if it was just an innocent thing then don't worry too much about it. Just keep your eyes open and make sure that you don't let him do things to you.
I know a women that called the police on her husband because he threw a bag of peanuts at the wall. Not at her but the wall. So some women and men are guilty as well just do it without thinking about how it could effect the others lives.
2007-12-10 15:32:14 · answer #5 · answered by CrazyH 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
You have every reason to be afraid. Some people are unpredictable, and they can change in an instant. If they are super nice to you, thats a warning sign. If he hits objects when he is angry too, that is also a sign. Remember, you can't change people. If he has a record of abuse before, leave him, what if you were to get into an argument with him? you will end up like his previous wife.
2007-12-10 15:31:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
1st sign of violence, leave. Even if he just hits you lightly and it doesn't hurt...whatever. There should be a record, and looking at that may clear up any questions. Some women do call the police on men even if they didn't touch them, but most don't. Just be careful, and watch for signs.
2007-12-10 15:34:23 · answer #7 · answered by Student Doctor House 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, I'd be glad he told me rather than someone else.
You should ask him why exactly he told you. Was it a warning or because he wasn't proud of it and would hate for you to hear it from someone else?
You should let him know that his confession has freaked you out and that you want to know if he has a violent past or if that was a one off.
Then if you love him really, give it a go, and if you are not that much into him then, just move on!
2007-12-10 15:35:11 · answer #8 · answered by Kc 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I am with a man that has a prior DV arrest....he said that his ex wife instigated the incident...but now I have my doubts, because he has been violent with me, too. There is a common denominator in both of these occurrences, and it is him.
Just play it by ear, and if there is the slightest whiff of violent behavior from this guy, end it!!
2007-12-10 15:30:48 · answer #9 · answered by Ms. GTO 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Don't freak out just yet. The situation you described was exactly what happened to me and I have never and I mean NEVER been violent to any women in my life.
It says a lot about the guy if he was willing to tell you. Just keep an eye on him, you'll be able to tell if he is violent.
2007-12-10 15:33:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I wouldn't continue to be involved with a man who has acted violently toward another woman or anyone, for that matter. If you stay with this man, you should expect him to be violent toward you in the future. Violent people rarely seem like violent people. End the relationship ASAP.
2007-12-10 15:33:59 · answer #11 · answered by pumpkinhead 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋