Personally I don't think we can change our spouse, but I do think we can influence them. Everyday we can influence our spouse in a positive or negative way.
If someone is trying to change their spouse, would you consider them a master manipulator? Reasoning, "If I do this, then my spouse will do that." "If I can make my spouse miserable enough, or happy enough, then I'll get what I want." I believe this way of thinking will run us to a dead end road. Even if they change, they will resent you for manipulating them.
2007-12-10 06:34:53 · 22 answers · asked by unknown 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Do you think a better approach could be being a positive influence toward our spouse? Being an influence by our words and actions? If we look for something our spouse is doing that we like and give them verbal compliments, would you consider that having a positive influence on them? If you do something for them that you know he/she will like, our actions would influence them in a wholesome way. Our model will begin to rub off on them. Does the reality of the power of positive influence hold tremendous potential for marriages?
2007-12-10 06:39:38 · update #1
The only person you can change is you! Sometimes making positive changes within yourself can spark changes in your spouse, but don't count on it! If you go into it with the intent of changing them, you will end up very frustrated!
2007-12-10 06:52:20 · answer #1 · answered by Kailey 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are right about "influencing the souse" rather than changing him or her... but manipulating - I don't know... I think we all do it a little with any person (work / kids / spouse / friends) and unless it is with done in order to cause harm to someone - I don't know if it is all that bad and/or unusual...
Here is what I believe - if you put your spouses needs and wants before your own - and your spouse does that same - there will be no need for manipulation or changing the partner - then you would truely have a relationship that will be fulfilling and lasting!
2007-12-10 06:42:39 · answer #2 · answered by Me 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're right, you can never really "change" a person. All you can do is influence them to want to either change their own ways. I don't think it is possible to want to change them because that is the person you married. You should have gotten to know them long enough so your not surprised by any behaviors they may exhibit. Maybe they don't aspire to be a manipulator, but they sure do want to have control over the situation. Lives are nothing to play with. I can only take care of mine let alone someone elses.
2007-12-10 07:02:10 · answer #3 · answered by DIVAPRINCIPAL 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are so very right. I know I'm not able to change my spouse but I do know that since I've been working on myself and trying to be a better person some of what I have learned and acted upon has rubbed off on him. But it definatly needs to be something that I've changed for me first before it ever touches or influences him.
2007-12-10 06:40:18 · answer #4 · answered by mrskerlin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
would it shock you if I told you that what you are suggesting is actually what is taught in a 2000 year old antiquated book? The Bible admonishes wives that even when our husbands are not obeying the Word, that through our chaste conduct coupled with fear...we can change our husbands because God honors our obedience to HIM despite how jacked up our spouse may be acting. The encouraging things you say we should speak is called 'speaking life into your situation' or "edifying the hearer" and its a practice that comes wholeheartedly after we have a) embraced God's forgiveness of us which makes forgiving someone else easier, and 2) embraced God's Word as it pertains to guarding our tongue from speaking negative things over others.
People say its outdated but God's Word is relevant today more than ever.
I dont think its manipulation no because I dont view myself as capable of forcing change on my husband. God gives him a heart that desires to change.
2007-12-10 06:59:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one has the right to try and change someone else. What you are doing is every bit of manipulations. Influences are all around us news, culture, religion etc. The one place we look to be ourselves and be loved unconditionally is from our loved ones. Check out the real question that you are asking. Can I control this person, with them being a willing participant... Back off and check your self before you start a major landslide of destruction....
2007-12-10 06:51:40 · answer #6 · answered by jackie ms 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Influence and Change don't go hand in hand. Just because you influence someone to do something your way, doesn't mean that change will occur. Change is something a person/spouse has to make for themselves. Only God can change people.
2007-12-10 06:43:34 · answer #7 · answered by Rachel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have some valuable points, misery loves company and same for positives flock with positives. some spouses learn from the others actions and they follow the lead. not sure if you are referring to your spouse but marriage isn't about just getting what you want that's sounds arrogant, marriage is about being a team its shouldn't have to be a chore woman are emotional creatures and that's why the man should have the home solid and be the rock.
but as far as changing her.. if there are some areas of improvement then sit and talk with her without sounding judge mental listen to her and her needs and reasons she is how she is so you know.
2007-12-10 06:41:37 · answer #8 · answered by laylajai74 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, I don't think we can change them ourselves. We might can influence them, and with time, maybe help change their ways. The manipulating just depends on the circumstance. There are many/easy ways of manipulating, but I really think that turns to resentment in the end.
2007-12-10 06:41:32 · answer #9 · answered by sunflowergal 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are nice to me and I'll be nice to you.
You are mean to me and I'll be mean to you.
You nag I don't give you flowers.
You give me a hummer in the morning I take you out to dinner.
You complain to me about me I feel happy and close to you NOT.
I have a crappy day and just want to yell at someone. Do I yell at you? No, because you will get mad at me for it and I would be in the wrong. Am I being manipulating? Yes.
I manipulate my actions all the time, its called controlling oneself. Controlling my actions to get what I want happens everywhere in society. Laws are created to guide our actions. I don't speed to avoid a ticket. I can still speed, but I don't want that outcome so I don't. A person wants sex with their spouse, so they start a fight NO, they romance them. If a person DEMANDS something from me I will be less likely to give it to them, than if they simply asked for it.
You have broadened the definition of "manipulating" too far.
2007-12-10 07:06:41 · answer #10 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋