A Wifes Place??

Question

What is right?
The Scenario: Married 1 1/2 yrs. to a man with 2 college age kids not living at home. I tried but never any relationship with the kids. He said give up.
The kids would prefer their 48 yr. old Dad to be single
Very opinionated kids. Very anti-social except with their dad who hung the moon. They love each other very much,and thats great but how much say-so should they have when it comes to my marriage with him. Should the Dad be torn on how to balance his time with them and me? They have put their Dad in a situation, (or should I say he has let them) to kind of pick sides. Thats wrong. He has raised them all his life, Ive only been here a short time, do I make it easy and bow out?

Thanks to all of you, each answer was helpful to give me the insight as to my decision, which is a gathering of us and discuss this issue. Let everyone voice their opinion, But seeing how my husband handles the situation and what he has to say will determine everything.
There is room for all of us. Im in this marriage for the right reasons. There shouldnt have to be picking sides at all.

Wouldnt you like to be in on this conversation, lol, serriously I wish you all were. Thanks again.

Answer 1

He is 48 and it is time that he grew up.

He needs to let his kids know that he loves you, married you and he doesn't want you to go anywhere. Unless they give you both a valid reason for not wanting you in their lives than they need to accept that you will be a part of all holiday and birthday celebrations that concern your husband.

You are there to be your husbands wife and additional support for the kids if they want it but not replace their mother or take their father away from them.

They are college age? They need to respect that their father is a human being and deserves a personal life as well as they do.

If your husband refuses to do this, than maybe you should go. It should never be a choice between a spouse and children but if he makes it one than it is his decision.

Answer 2

He has raised them and they have been a part of his life before you. It is wrong to separate a parent from there children or vice versa no matter what the age is.

You will always have a second place when ever the kids a around. Can you live with that. It might take years and I mean years before they ever show you any respect. In their minds you are taking their father for a ride.

You husband has to make them respect you, it is his place to set up that respect for you. You can scream, yell, kick do whatever you want to, but until your husband does not demand respect for you, you are not getting any from his kids. You are married so bowing out of your marriage is not that simple. But do you really want to live like this, it is mainly your decision.

Answer 3

You have entered the world of blended family problems. Read about it. There is a lot of information on line. This will give both you and your honey a good understanding of what is going on. I have three step children, they are resentful of me. I know though that over time that if I am consistent in loving them, being there and just want to be their friend that one day they will appreciate me. It is not the driving force in our relationship, my husband and I are together for life, the children are a part of our family, they don't live with us. They are very important, however we love each other and that is what counts the most. A good book to read is Divorce Poison by Richard Warwick. Understanding they dynamics of what you have walked in to will help you. Don't bail yet. If everyone listened to their children about having a partner in their life after divorce, non of us would ever get married....it is what you do with the children, include them, love them unconditionally and those kinds of things that are important. As unlovable as they can be at times, love them any way. You can gain a lot this way. Good luck.

Answer 4

Many kids no matter what age probably prefer their parents to be together. You didn't state why thier mother was no longer with their father (your new hubby) did he divorce thier mother or did she die? They may be afraid that their dad is going to spend all his time, attention money etc on you instead of them..Give them time to get to know you..Don't try to force them to like you as that will only make them more resentful. Be pleasant to them when they are around and reassure them that you are not trying to compete with them for their dads affections or take the place of their mom. When you marry some one with children from a previous marriage you must realize that your new spouse's children will most likely come first and that if you have a hard time accepting it, perhaps your new marriage should not have happened. By being sweet around his kids you just may make your husband glad that he married you and he may even ask his kids to a least treat you with a little respect when they are around you,.. but if you ask him to chose between you and them ... you just may loose! good luck!!

Answer 5

That depends on what you mean by "bow out". This is not a reason for divorce, because it's not too hard to compensate for. What you need is a time toolbox -- fun and/or productive things to do in the absence of your husband. When he decides to see the kids, open up your toolbox and pull one out: take an exercise walk, go see a friend, call your mom on the phone, read a book, or whatever would satisfy you. Sharing your husband willingly with his kids will make you and them less resentful, and him less stressed/torn. All you need is a plan for what to do when he decides to give them his time.

Answer 6

If he married you, then he needs to step up to the plate and be a man. The kids are gone now and have lives of their own. If he wants to be married to you, he needs to let his children know that. Unless the kids plan on taking care of Dad in 20 years, they need to let him have a life. Dad needs to be the one to say so. If he won't do that, perhaps counseling would help or speaking to a pastor. If he won't agree to help or to change his ways, you may have no other choice. As his wife, now that the kids are grown, you should come first.

Answer 7

I wouldn't suggest that you bow out either gracefully or with any rage. This poor fella has to learn how to cut his pie effectively. If he is unable to speak with his adult children about how happy he is in his relationship with you then perhaps you can attempt to have a mature and open minded conversation with them. Sounds like they are a bit spoiled by their old man and don't like to have to share either his affection or time with others. But fact is that they will not be there forever and soon enough will have families of their own and then they won't be so much of an thorn in your relationship. Best of luck to you and the family and hopefully you can maybe get this resolved over the Christnas break. Again best of luck.

Answer 8

I like these kinds of questions. It seems hard , but it's not. Your saying the children are pulling their dad away, you are also pulling at him. Now it's a competition. The kids do not like you, because you are not their mother and you said; "That you have no relationship with them." You hate what you don't understand. The father is at fault for allowing this bridge to be built by you and his children. If you want this to be resolved then talk to your husband and tell him to stop playing games and do his job and clean up the mess he made. You are a victim, but also adult competing with children, that's foolish and a game you can't win. Your another wife that can be replace, they are his children for life. it would be in your best interest to work this out with the children and even kiss up to them if you have to, but do what ever it takes to have a good relationship with them. if your in it for the long haul.

Answer 9

It's not up to the kids who dad marries, or what he does at all for that matter. you don't NEED to have a relationship with them. But make sure they can see how much you love their dad. In time they might come around to the idea of you being with him. They have their own lives to live, why would they be focused so much on his??? You still have to earn their trust when it comes to taking care of daddy.

Answer 10

The kids aren't going away; they're going to be around for the rest of your lives. They'll be the ones you have to rely on when you're old.

I think Dad sounds like a good bet. I wouldn't like a man who could turn his back on his kids. OTOH it may take a long time before they learn to love and trust you.

At least, they do care about their dad. So many kids don't.

Remember, they won't be college kids forever. They'll get jobs, get married, get their own lives.

I'd say, if you're sure about Dad, go for it.