My cousin is marrying this total jerk and I don't know what to do?

Question

He calls her nasty names, has physically threatened her, and still hasn't paid back the $3000.00 dollars he spent on her credit card online without her permission over a year ago. I know she thinks she loves him, but I don't know why she stays and puts up with all that crap. I know it's her life and her choice, but I really care about her, and I want what's best for her. I don't want to say something if it means I lose her in my life, but it's so hard to just stand by and watch her marry this total jerk! What should I do?

Answer 1

It is ok to let her know how you feel, but don't be too pushy with your opinions. Regardless of the fact that you love her and want what is best for her, you need to accept that what she does is going to ultimately be all up to her. Sometimes no matter how much "advice" a person is given by their family members and friends on a particular situation, they just don't seem to take it. And that can be so frustrating and stressful. In that case, the person will have to learn all on their own, the HARD WAY. I know it may be difficult for you, but the only thing you can do is be as calm about the situation as possible and be of constant reassurance that you are there for her no matter what. Be encouraging, don't get into an argument with her about him, and don't push your opinions or make her feel like she is being stupid (even if she is) because it will only drive her away. Trust me. Find out how and why she feels the way she feels about this person, and more than anything if she is having any doubts about the relationship. If she is having doubts, that should signify that her intuition is sending up a BIG RED FLAG. Encourage her that it is OK for her to take her time before jumping into a marital committment, and that if he truly loves her he will be willing to take that time. Just be positive with her when you speak to her and be there for her. You and her other family members who care may be the only safe haven she actually has, but if you come on too strong you will push her straight into his arms, which is exactly what HE wants. So encourage her and be positive, do things with her, talk to her and ask her how she is feeling. Just show her your love and support.

Answer 2

TALK TO HER number one...and if that doesn't work, if you actually have physical or any evidence at all that he has physically threatened her and verbally abuses her, talk to someone about it who can help. They will go in and not let them be together if you feel that it is a threat to her safety. This may make your cousin really mad...but wouldn't you rather her be mad at you for a little while then end up screwing up her life completely for some jerk that she shouldn't be marrying in the first place?? Put her first and don't worry about losing her as a friend...When all is said and done if this truly works out, she will thank you in the end.

P.s. I know how hard this must be... but you have to do what YOU KNOW is right...not what you think is best for her happiness...because she sounds like she has a few psychological problems herself if she is with a jerk like him.

Answer 3

There isn't really anything that you can do. If your cousin marries a jerk then that is something that she will have to deal with someday. She will have to find that out the hard way like so many of us do after we are married. Maybe your cousin thinks that marriage will change the man but most times it doesn't. You can only keep your opinion to yourself, afterall it is your cousin's decision to make. She knows that he is a jerk and she must really love the guy to put up with the things that she does.

Answer 4

There is nothing that you can do except make sure that you are there for her when every thing comes crashing down around her and love and support is what she needs the most. The more that you try to push that she should leave the guy, if and when this does come crashing down she will not communicate with you because she will be afraid of hearing "I told you so".

Answer 5

Do nothing. It is her life. If she is in fact making a mistake, the only thing you can do is be there for her and help her pick up the pieces. I know you want what is best for her. But right now to her having you trust her judgment is what is important to her. All you can do is be there if it goes bad at some point!

Answer 6

though it's hard to watch people make mistakes, she won't leave him until she gets ready to, which means that she might marry him. sit down and talk with her, but instead of bringing up how bad the guy is, let her know how good she is and that she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly. she might not come around immediately, but i think you'd feel worse if you didn't say something before they got married. when you talk to her let her know that you'll always be there for her and that you've got her back.

Answer 7

well she's grown and she'll learn. The best thing you can do is let her make her own decision but if you really want to do something then ask her if she's sure she's ready to make such a commitment and that might lead to a conversation but you shouldn't tell her how you feel about him.

Answer 8

well, i hate to say it, but it is her life. she knows what kind of person this is, but for some reason unknown to you, she prefers his type. was she abused growing up? some people are attracted to the same type of men they were around as they grew up with. if you really don't want to lose her friendship, just see her and not the guy. she will need support and it seems like you are there for her. good luck to you and her...

Answer 9

sadly, i have a friend in a similar situation and there's really nothign you can do. i stood by this friend for over 6 years and supported her when she was at her lowest, and even agreed to be the maid of honor in her wedding. but over the last year things have really gone downhill with her and now she is doing drugs (by his pressure), runnign up credit card debt and dealing with both physical and mental abuse. your situation is tougher but you have a choice, be honest with her and wait for the consequences or keep your mouth shut and watch your cousin suffer. i chose to speak up and sadly for me, lost my friend. but in the end you can't control someone's decisions and if she wants to be with him you can't stop it. i'm hopeful that things will change but in the meantime it has been good for my life to distance myself from it. i wish you luck in your choice.

Answer 10

Honestly, you should stay out of it. Love is blind and no matter what you say, if she thinks she is in love with him she will marry him no matter what you say. A confrontation will only cause friction between you too and drive her closer to him. Don't give your opinion unless she directly asks you.