My 4 yr relationship has ended, I need help?

Question

There's way too much to tell about the trials our relationship has experienced (as far as I know, cheating was one of the only issues we didn't face). I am younger than he is (I'm 25, he's 38) I have always been willing to look at any issues that may be mine & work to try to fix them, he on the other hand just CAN'T see his (major) flaws. When we met he was a skinny pot smoking angry overworked chef, I saw him transform into a 30 pound heavier non- pothead healthy looking semi-happier still overworked chef. We had a rocky relationship, can I blame ALL the problems on him? No Can I say that MOST were him? Yes, without a doubt. The past couple months I've felt he was smoking (pot) again, (his behavior was a little different, he began frequent gum chewing, etc) I would confront him, he used to be upfront & admit if he did. Also, I found out he purchased 2 spy camerasfor his condo, when I confronted him he said he wanted to make sure I wasn't cheating (I don't even LIVE with him!) -Contiue

I was devastated. When push came to shove he broke up with me, saying he couldn't be "himself", meaning what an angry pothead? I brought his stuff from my house to him yeasterday (we broke up friday) I wanted to have an honest sit down conversation with him. He cried, I cried, we both still love each other, that has not disappered. He looked like the same sad skinny tired person I thought was gone from 4 years ago. He admitted to smoking & said he did it partly to get even with me. (I reminded him of his father, I was trying to control him) I realize this relationship is unhealthy but I also realize he is a man in a great del of pain from his past. I guess I can't help him, so how do I help myself. I'm so devastated.

Answer 1

Yours is a pot smoker, mine was and still is an alcoholic. You and I cannot fix them. We gave 4 years of our lives and they don't trust us to committ or change their behavior.

I know I didn't do anything wrong but love him....let go (I know very hard to do and I am having the same struggles), but if he doesn't trust you for whatever excuse he has anymore than mine does....then we need to move on.

Give yourself time to heal and I kind of agree with one response...what makes us interested in these bad boy types? I think part of me is the Florence Nightengale attitude that I want to be the one woman who changed their life for the better...who knows maybe in our afterlife we will find out we did change someone's life for the better.

Good luck to you and keep your chin up and I will do the same.

Answer 2

Can you hear me Now!?Girl girl girl,see ,thoughting got you in this position(smile),where there is no trust there,s no love?as you say you didn,t do such,cool if didn,t!but don,t be a pamela plank head!sitting licking the window on a yellow short bus!you are a strong female i can tell but sometimes get stuck on stupid,no offence!simply he got other plans trust!especially if he can,t be bother,don,t drown self in someone elses guilt girlfriend!men do some stupid stuuf then come crawling back when get dumped a few times along the way of seperation,tough,it isn,t bout that text message,check out the rude,unidentified ex-co-worker!and being used for conveiance is something else!he isn,t in love with you!stil wanna adventure abit ,nine out of ten,if were this easy as you say.what you should do,girl find your strenght within,pray to the good lord up above!and let him go if that,s his choice!you stil have years ahead to find what you seek or whom may be that person for your life this dude is not right,why?go through all that?He should have bagged you up 100% and more if was real with you and beleived what you say!%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%,are missin somewhere,so he will go ,and let him,his lost!

Answer 3

Stop right there. Just the fact that he uses illegal drugs should be enough to send you running for the hills. You don't need to tell me one more thing. Leave him. Get counseling. Find out why you'd want to be with a man who is a felon. Then go find a good guy for a change.

Answer 4

gross about the cameras.. thats illegal here in the usa .. if you are in the uk look into the laws covering that. if he is selling pictures of you naked in the apt etc.. and he could be you know..there are other people in here ( yahoo ? s) who have had this done to them... the drugs are also illegal. angry or not. ilegal illegal illegal.

you need to let him go. he has to grow up somehow and he has to do it himself. let him go. if he will change.. let it happen without you behind it. it will stick better that way. if you want to wait for him do so..but do not tell him you are. just do it. wait awhile.. a year..two years ..if you truly love him you can do this.. and see what happens.

God bless the two of you . life can be pretty rough..specially when we do it to ourselves.

Answer 5

Move on.

A couple Al-anon meetings wouldn't hurt either.

Basically, you can't fix him. You need to focus your efforts of fixing yourself. Why were you attracted to such a "man?"

Find out. Do some research into your soul.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Sounds like your man is depressed and has been for years. Without a clinical evaluation it's hard to say if his chemical imbalance is due to drug usage or not.

But if he was depressed when you met him, was depressed throughout the relationship, and depressed even now, sounds to me like he needs to find a less stressful job.

Answer 7

Sounds like he is smoking again for sure. Been there done that and it isn't worth messing with. You can't fix him so stop trying....

Answer 8

seek professional help, ur problem is solvable...

take heart dear, and remember, if he is smoking pot again, there must be some reason, dig out that with professional help

U both can still make it, trust me...!!

Answer 9

Sounds to me like you'll be better off without this wacko.

Answer 10

god, its too much to read, but there are millions of mens outhere