How do I get over my husband's past relationship?

Question

I came across a word document on my hubby's computer and it was a letter he wrote to his exwife when they were seperated. (We have been married for 5 months now.) It was a beautiful desperate letter with him voicing his undying love for her and how desperately he wanted their marriage to last. It did end in divorce after he confirmed her infidelity and he started dating me a year later. I cannot seem to get past the beautiful words in this letter and feel as though he does not have that same kind of love for me. He says that he loves me more than he has ever loved any woman and that letter was written in desperation and means nothing now. How do I get over these feelings of inadequacy and insecurity?

Answer 1

Just remember that that is how he felt at THAT time in his life...he loved her b/c she was his wife and wanted to try to save their marriage...GOD works in mysterious ways and b/c of that divorce it lead him straight to you. You were the one on his computer and he probably forgot that letter was there. He is married to you now and loves you....and as hard as it is, you have to stop reading those words over and over in your mind....

Answer 2

Envy is one of the most destructive emotions in the world - it always sees the good as on the outside, better than what you have. It feels like there must be something better, and the others are getting it but not you. But its always an illusion, because even when you get what you were envying, you find that it doesn't make you feel how you thought it would. Its a number one crippler of relationships, because it takes away the joy in what you have.

A letter like the one you found might have all of the passion, the sadness, the lost hopes and dreams of a whole relationship in it. Its not a real statement of how the relationship was when it was working - its the outpouring of a heart at the most painful moment. Compared to doing the dishes together or living a normal daily life, or course it will seem like a level above.

This guy is with you, and has told you that you are the love of his life. Have you any idea how many women dream about experiencing that, but never get to?

I hope you get over your feelings, and are able to live in the moment again.

I think you husbands letter shows some real integrity, written after he knew she was unfaithful, but still wanting her and being prepared to take her back. It should make you feel more proud and special, that your man is a cut above the average (the average being mostly very selfish and quick to be offended when the other party does anything wrong).

You might need to arrange a couple of special dates to help get your perspective back. Good luck!

Answer 3

Its hard to imagine that he had a life and love before you two met.
Try to get over those negative feelings by remembering that you have a past also. Remember that you have told people you love them also. Remember how hard it is to feel like you are losing someone so you pour out your heart to "stop" them from leaving. He didn't even know you then, so how can you compare yourself to that. Of course he loves you more than her! You are special or he wouldn't have been able to love you after going through a bad experience.
None of what is in the past is better than what you have now!
He answered your questions about the letter so you must start to believe him and heal yourself. If not, you will sabotage everything good in your relationship.
Ask him if he could put something down in words for you so that you can read those. And quit dwelling on his ex.
Good luck!

Answer 4

As hard as it may have been to read them you need to put yourself in his place at the time. The fact that they were married is why he felt the desperation. It is possible to feel that you have found the love of your life ... to feel it falling apart and to feel this kind of hurt that is indescribable! You can feel that your entire life is falling apart without that person. Then you finally get past it and move on and you find someone is 1000 times better and you realize you were stupid to feel such desperation for another person because the person you are with now is THE ONE!!

You gotta remind yourself that he was in a difficult spot and remember that while he has loved another before ... you are the one he is with and it IS possible for him to love you more than anyone else. His past is his past and it is what made him who he is today. Do not focus on the words he wrote to another because they are in the past. Appreciate the man he is today and love the fact that while he may not have written the letter to you ... it was a letter written in pain. Something you would never want to cause!! He loves you girl ... don't ruin it because of a letter. Do not put so much stock into the letter because it is just that ... a letter.

Answer 5

He thought that he loved her, but has since realized it wasn't love - she cheated. Now I am certain he views her in a different light, as a fake and someone who used him and lied to him. That is not who he fell in love with, he fell in love with who he thought she was.

Look at this letter as a good thing, he obviously respects marriage and will remain faithful/committed. He didn't know what else was out there (ie you), as he chose to blind himself to all other woman. After meeting you, he can finally see there is a better life out there, with someone who will give and take - not just take. Your relationship is most likely far more fulfilling to him than his previous.

I've been the fool writing that letter in the past - I did it so I didn't look back with regrets... and since then I have found much better, and would never look back.

Answer 6

He is apparently over her now because he married you. Don't worry, I'm sure what he said is true about writing the letter in desperation. I'm sure he feels anger and hatred toward her now since she cheated on him. If he told you he loves you more than he's ever loved another woman then you should take his word for that unless you want to live with distrust for him for the remainder of your relationship.

The fact that he divorced her is proof that he considered his love for her to be over with.

Answer 7

I am sure there is at least one person in your past that you maybe loved or wrote a letter to. However, that person doesn't compare to your husband that you love now. Since he has been hurt before and knows how it feels, I bet he will take extra care not to hurt you and treat you very special. This womas is not in his life anymore, you are. Don't punish him for another life he use to have.

Answer 8

I'm sure this is a difficult situation for you to be in.

Understand that he is married to you now, not her. He has told you that he loves you and the letter means nothing now. He thought he had a good marriage and was cheated on. Of course he wanted to try everything he could to save it, but it wasn't to be.

Has he given any indication that he is still in contact with her? If not, then it's up to you to change things. You have to believe in him. Stop wasting your energies on things that only exist in your mind and focus on the now.

Good luck

Answer 9

You are just going to have to accept the fact that he loved someone else. But that he has moved on to you. And he probably would say those things to you if you two were going through something similar. If you know he loves you and he is truthful to you. Then I don't think you should be worried about a letter that was written before you came into his life. The more you think about it the more you will feel unsecure.

Answer 10

Get over it!!! You are the woman he loves now.
You have your past too! If you can't let it go, then you are the problem. Don't let the past destroy your future.
If you love your husband, don't hurt him with his past. Channel your energies to make your marriage a happy and lasting one instead.

Answer 11

Just keep in mind that no matter how jealous or insecure it makes you, he shouldn't have to apologize or explain that he once loved a woman enough to try to make it work. You can't punish him for doing what was right. In a way, you are. In time this should pass. Don't let it cast a shadow over your new marriage.