Am I Being Unreasonable????

Question

My husband has a friendship with this girl and its come to the point thats its detrimental to our marriage. We've been together for 3yrs married for 2 1/2. We have a toddler. He's know this girl for less than year.

I told him he needs to stop being around her until we can get our marriage back on track. He flat out refuses to stop being around her. He's not cheating with her but has fantasies about it. She's a lesbian with significant other.

I want him to choose between his friendship with her(at least temporarily) and our marriage. I won't sit around why he disrespects me and ignores my feelings.

He says that I'm being ridiculous and shouldn't make him choose because he has "the willpower not to do anything with her".

Am I being unreasonable????

Answer 1

I don't think you're being unreasonable -- I think you're being prudent. Your husband's unwillingness to respect your feelings is troubling. It sounds like he is almost putting his relationship with her on a level equal to his marriage, and that's a huge mistake.

By the way, this question struck me really strange, because the only time I ever cheated on my wife, 10 years ago, was with a woman who called herself a lesbian, and who was in a long-term relationship with another woman. A lot of people who label themselves homosexual are actually bisexual. I think you're right to be concerned.

Answer 2

You're not being unreasonable however forcing him to make a choice like that may end up blowing up in your face. Instead of approaching him with the either you do this or I'll do that routine approach him in a different manner. Just let him know that how you feel isn't ridiculous at all and he shouldn't feel that it is. It doesn't seem as though he's too concerned about your marriage or you. If he's not willing to work on things with you to get the marriage back on track then that's saying he doesn't see that there is a problem and he's not going to work towards making things right. If he's admitted to having these fantasies about being with her then you need to let him go. That's not a good sign. Just him telling you he's had fantasies is disrepectful enough. I'm sure if it was you doing these things to him he would've left a long time ago. However if you ask him he'll deny it or say he doesn't know how he'd react. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Well give him the cake and tell him to enjoy it.

Answer 3

You are not being unreasonable. You are doing the right thing. I have been there and not acted, and lets just say you do not want to spend the rest of your marriage/life wishing you had stood up for yourself/marriage.

First off, try read the book "Not Just Friends". Then see if you can show him the appropriate section of the book - if he is genuine and the friendship is not going to cause any harm, then he will be able to use that to protect the marriage and your feelings, while continuing the friendship. If not then you might just avoid disaster. Friends can very quickly escalate into more than friends - and there doesn't need to be any physical intimacy in order for you to feel betrayed. You haven't said how it is detrimental to your marriage but I'm guessing the friendship may already be straying too far.

Here are some questions you should try get him to ask himself:
"Does he tell his friend things about his marriage that he doesn't tell you?"
"Would he feel uncomfortable if you heard what they said to each other?"
"Would he feel uncomfortable if you saw a video of them meeting?"

Sharing secrets with a close friend can quickly erode the intimacy in the marriage.

On the other hand, this advice is all well and good, but it might be very hard to stop him. He may well steadfastly refuse to give up, and then that puts you in a difficult situation. Be very careful about threatening to leave and then not following through when he carries on.

If you find that you aren't getting anywhere with the "self help" approach to your marriage then get a councillor involved ASAP.

Also when confronting him, try to avoid telling him what he should do. Rather explain how it makes you feel when he does things.

e.g.
Not "I don't want you to see her anymore, you should put our marriage first"
Instead "When you go out with her, I feel alone and inadequate. I feel as though my needs are less important to you than hers. I need..."

Good luck

Answer 4

You have real problems in your marriage. He might not be having a physical affair, but he is disregarding your feelings about it. Which is not a good sign.
Why is he so determined to continue the friendship?
And why is he pursuing a friendship - he should be with his wife and child, anyway.
Sorry - your husband doesn't sound committed to your marriage. You might get through this, but the signs aren't good.
Suggest that you go out as a couple, or a quartet, and get a babysitter.Your husband might be bored at home and looking for a more exciting life.
Good luck. Did I mention that I lived your life? And eventaully my husband walked out on me, leaving me with a four month old and a toddler.

Answer 5

If you are uncomfortable with their friendship he should respect you and your marriage enough to break it off. That's what a marriage is. I don't mind if my husband is friendly to other women, or hangs out with me and my female friends, but if he were to have a separate female friend that did not include me- well, I'd be bothered to say the least. I know my husband would not do that, though- because he wouldn't want it done to him. It's weird. If he values you, he needs to stop. Where are his priorities? You are his WIFE.

Ask him what he gets from that friendship that he isn't getting from you?
Ask him if he respects you enough to put an end to it?
Tell him slowly and calmly exactly how you feel about it.
Ask him if he has anything to add. Keep questioning him from there. Something is up, I think.

Answer 6

Well all men have fantasies about it, regardless of the who the woman is. That is just men, they can't help themselves.
Though I do advocate partners having friends of the opposite sex; I also advocate partners working together to find a solution.
I have to ask is this girl the only reason you feel you need to get your marriage back on track? Would them including you into the friendship solve anything?
You shouldn't be feeling disrespected, nor ignored. But ultimatums never work.

Answer 7

No, because what you're asking for is to be treated with dignity and respect. The fact that he's already acknowledged having fantacies about another female is in itself "extremely disrespectful" toward you and your feelings. And, the fact that he's now blowing off your wishes and feelings is further evidence of his extreme disrespect towards you. You may not realize this fully, but your marriage is in serious trouble. You are married to a man who doesn't really care about you.

Answer 8

I would say no you are not being unreasonable. When you are married and start making friends with the opposite sex lesbian or not it can really make things difficult. I wouldn't trust her all that much, Ive met plenty of lesbians that sleep with men for different reasons. I would defiantly make him choose. He should willingly give up this friend ship if it really bothers you.

Answer 9

The question is...do you trust him? If he's done nothing in the past to make you feel insecure then maybe...just maybe he KNOWS he can't "get" this girl in question and he's continuining this relationship b/c he's getting something out of it.....YOUR ATTENTION and/or feelings of jelously. I'd bet that if you never brought it up again....he would b/c he's getting a reaction out of you.
Men are like babies...need a lot of attention. Try a different approach. Shower him with attention, and don't bring up this girl again. He's thriving off the fact that you feel threatened.
Good Luck!

Answer 10

Ummm...NO! What the F***! He fantasizes about her! Have you shared your concern and feelings with her? I would try this approach. Let her know you need time with him to straighten out your marriage and you feel replaced by her. If she is not into him at all she will graciously step back if not looks like she might be indulging in the best of both worlds.