should i tell my husband???

Question

ive been married 4yrs. icant stop thinking about a man i work with, everything that annoys me about my husband is what this man is what i want my husband to be. my husband is bipolar and is cranky and moody IS CONSTANTLY yelling at me but at other times he is so sweet, funny and caring.they are both so alike except the other man doesent have these dark moods. we are constantly flirting and i think he wants it to go further. my husband gets turned on by the thought of other men sleeping with me and talks about it when we have sex but i dont know wether he really wants it or if it is just a fantasy he thinks about but doesent want to do. i really want to have sex with this guy but i dont know wether to tell my husband or have an affair. im scared he might be ok with it but then use it against me if he gets depressed and wants to lash out at me. i love my husband but his moods are starting to depress me and i just want to be happy wich the other man makes me feel whenever together.help me

everyone says try councilling but then i have to tell him of my feelings of this other man. im scared of how he will react and i might loose him. i love him so much but im more sexual then him as his meds have lowered his sex drive.

Answer 1

LIVING WITH A BIPOLAR PERSON IS EXHAUSTING IN EVERY WAY.....EVEN THOUGH THEIR "UPSIDE" IS SOOOO ENDEARING......BUT WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT WILL PUT YOU IN GREAT DANGER. ANYTHING LIKE THAT WILL BE HELD AGAINST YOU IN A STATE OF DEPRESSION OR WORSE....MANIA.....YOUR BEST BET IS TO EITHER STOP THE FLIRTING OR LEAVE THE BIPOLAR HUSBAND ....ANNNNND IF U DO THAT....DO IT ....CAREFULLY

Answer 2

This is about permission really. Sounds like at the moment you want to do something but something in your brain (your concience) won't give you permission. Some people react by drinking over their concience ("it just happened - i was drunk"), but they are only kidding themselves. Likewise, your husbands fantasy, I'm sure you don't really believe mean its ok for you to cheat - so stop trying to use them as permission.

Another trick in this situation, is to go onto the internet and search and ask questions until someone out there tell's you "It's ok, you can chase that other guy. I did and it worked out fine". Which is my guess why you are asking on here.

If you are willing to go to this much effort to quieten the little voice saying not to do it, then is it really worth doing?

Instead investigate why you want to. You may find that it is fixable in the marriage, or that it is fundamental and you should leave. Either way it will be better to know first. After all maybe the other guy is a perfect match for you. If you have an affair with him, then you can wave goodbye to ever being with him long term (less than 10% of affair relationships survive if the spouse leaves the marriage for the affair partner). But if you waited, separated and then tried to find a new love, then you might have a better chance.

Also try read "Not Just Friends".

Answer 3

Looking at your profile - THIS IS YOUR FIRST QUESTION? And you do not have a profile, nor do you allow IM or email. Hmmm, smells like a troll. But what the heck:

Did he suddenly become bipolar the second you married him? Did he start having his wild mood swings the instant you walked down the aisle? Did he start taking medications for it on the honeymoon?

Probably not.

So, you knew all along he was bipolar, but you married him anyway.

And now 4 years in, you have figured out your amazing love isn't going to change him one bit, and you are stuck.

You took vows, remember? For better or for worse, in sickness and health, until death do you part. That part meant nothing to you as you swore it before all those people and any god you happen to believe in?

Aw, to HELL with those stupid vows! They only mean something if everything goes okay! Cheat all you want! Isn't that what you WANT to hear? Bang the other guy! Bang him in front of your husband! Wheeee!

If you had found your husband had written your question, wanting to cheat on you just to because some broad got him all hot and was all the things he wishes you were but are not, you'd kill him, cremate his sorry a$s, and then divorce the ashes. Well guess what you deserve, sweetie.

Marriage isn't for you. But it looks like you have a promising future in cuckolding - a major plus here on Y/A M&D - and home-wrecking!

Answer 4

You love your husband but his disorder can be very upsetting to the marriage at times. You are not the first spouse to go through this with a Bi-Polar. If counseling is started soon enough in the relationship then sometimes it can help. But waiting to long can actually put a bigger strain on things & often does. But if you decide to have sexual relations with the other man, then by all means (do not tell your husband) and yes it can be used against you in one of his mood swings. And if this happens, you lose all his trust & things go even further downhill from there. So which ever you decide to do, Think long & hard before you do it. Good Luck, I wish you the best.

Answer 5

Fantasy and reality are very different things. What he says turns him on in a fantasy may get you injured or killed in real life depending on the moods of this man. Your coworker has the fantasy of being with you, but will he still want you after the "honeymoon period" is over?
You do need a therapist, and if you truly feel that it's past that point, well then you need a divorce lawyer. You don't need to put up with abuse, verbal or otherwise. He doesn't deserve to have a spouse that lies and screws around on him. Just be careful, what looks good in our daydreams may not be so ideal in reality, so you may wind up with a good guy or you may lose it all. You must make the choice, but be honest about it......lying and cheating always ends bad in the long run.

Answer 6

First, you may be attracted to this other man because you are un-happy in your marriage. Maybe you should deal with the marriage problem before making more problems.
Living with a bi-polar person is major difficult to begin with. Sounds like you are exhausted with this situation? Maybe your marriage isn't worth the cost you are having to pay for it?

Both people have to be happy to make things work. Maybe couseling will be a good place to start. Go alone if you have to.

No, do not tell your husband about your feelings. That will only blow everything out of proportion. I understand your attraction with your co-worker; but I would think you need to deal with the real issues first. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Look, I recently had strong feelings for a man; it happens. I went straight to my husband and let him know about it. Guess what, he didn't get angry; in fact he was pleased I came to him to talk about it and not give in to the feelings and trusts me even more because of it. Now, you will also find out if your husband is okay with you sleeping with this man and such.

Bi-polar is very hard to deal with and living with someone who has it can be a constant fight. You know he can't help the wide mood-swings, but you resent them and then you feel guilty about it. Is your husband under medication to help him control the mood-swings? This is a very dangerous condition to have; my nephew ended up committing suicide when he stopped taking his meds and had an extreme 'low'. I do suggest you both go to counseling again; but about the bi-polar issues and there are support groups out there the two of you can join.

Answer 8

First of all if you are that close to the co-worker I'm sure you have told him about your woes with yer husband. Ofcourse he is going to seem like everything you want right now, he knows what you dont want. The co-worker should respect your marriage and leave you alone, but if you must sleep with him you need to talk to your hubby . Maybe it will turn him on but I'd be careful. You thinking he might use it against you later on is a strong possibility. Make that a sure thing. If you and your hubby are unhappy try consouling before you do anything or maybe even seek a divorce before you cheat.

Answer 9

I think you both need to see a therapist. Your husband may need his meds adjusted. You may need some help to decide how to go forward with this. It is NEVER okay to cheat. Did you read that carefully? NEVER! You are asking for problems, far worse than what you have now. And for all you know, this 'other' man may very well have a 'dark' downside, too. You just don't know him well enough to see it. No one is cheery all the time. Remember that old saying -'The grass is always greener on the other side'? Well, it isn't.

Living with a man who has a problem like is can be exhausting, I know. My husband has a brain injury, and has his ups and downs (although he isn't abusive). But I would never cheat on him, because I love him dearly and I know that when he's mad, what he's saying isn't something that he means. I really, truly don't let it bother me.

As for your husband getting turned on by the thought of you with other men, that may well be. But would he be turned on about it in reality? I have my doubts.

*No, you do not have to discuss your feelings for this other man in couples counselling. You can discuss that in your own private counselling. If you love your husband, then sex wouldn't be a part of the question in the first place. Yes, you may be more sexual than him, but many married couples have different sex drives. My husband and I do. He takes care of it by masturbating, with my complete support. I could live the rest of my days without sex if I had to (not that I don't enjoy sex when it happens. I do, it's just not that big of a deal for me). If you truly love your husband as you say, then you wouldn't even be considering this affair.*

*I agree with filthy. I think, as well, you may be here looking for 'permission' to cheat. And sorry, but you are not going to get that from me. You declared your wedding vows, and you should stick to them. If you decide you can't, at least have some dignity and leave the marriage before you bed another man. Your husband deserves better, but so do you. Cheating is the selfish way out. And if you do that, and your husband finds out, you'll be bawling about how horrible things are then. Cheaters rarely look beyond the gratification they get from the new sexual encounter.*

*Another thing to add. When we were in marital counselling, something I discussed with my therapist in private counselling was the possibility of leaving my husband. I was unsure of what to do. The only thing I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt at the time was that I loved my husband more than life itself, and I would have given my life for him if it meant saving his. My therapist said something very profound to me. She said "Shayna, you must decide what it is that you are going to do. Either you stay and you deal with what life has given you, or you go and begin your life anew. You don't know what the future brings, so you must base your choice on what you know and feel right now. But the decision you make, you must make it and stick to it. No looking back." And I did. I decided to stay with my husband. And I haven't looked back. Our marriage isn't perfect, but he has learned to deal with his brain injury, and he improves day after day.*

Answer 10

Now a sincere friend that cares about you would tell you, girl please make a conscience decision and seek counseling but being that I don't know you, I'd say times are hard and if you don't have to divorce your husband love him and enjoy the fruits of great companionship and a little one on one with the other guy but do it in moderation. Then I'll say heck go against all you are and all you stand for and monitor your heart at the same time! Go out with the other guy!

Answer 11

if you want to have sex with this other man more then you want to be married to your husband then tell him. You don't have to give details. Simply tell him that his fantasy has made you consider having sex with other men, and it's playing on your mind.

If you want to be married to your husband (despite the struggles) then keep your mouth shut and avoid the desired co worker

you can't fight fire (the challenging marriage) with fire (an affair).