Tonight I had the worst experience of my life. My ex husband decided to take off this weekend and go to?

Question

Mississippi to visit his girlfriend's family. He has made a habit of leaving town with her and my 10 year old is raising a fuss. Tonight she called and left him a silly message and he returned her call pretty much chewing her out and he just wants to hear from her only when it's an emergency. I couldn't believe my ears, he has never behaved this way to his kids ever. There has been some tones from his gf to the fact that he's had to explain he has enough love in his heart for her and his kids (red flag) Well, my daughter became VERY upset and was crying uncontrollably. I tried calling him to help me to console her and he wouldn't pick up. I called his Mom who I have maintained a nice relationship with and she said she would call him. Well, he did return the phonecall finally and I am in utter astonishment that he treated our daughter that way. All I can think of is someone is telling him to treat her that way, was I wrong to do what I did?

Answer 1

If you didn't get along with him when you were married, why would you expect to get along with him now?

Please understand that I am not criticizing your behavior. You were not wrong in what you did and it sounds like you tried to handle a very upsetting experience. Most parents do their best to help their children in emotionally charged times.

Anyone who would advise you to get angry at him over what happened before you get to talk personally with him (face to face, not over a phone) has a bias for relationship issues. You and he need to talk about something which might be important to both of you (your daughter and her behavior).

Did you automatically jumped to siding with you daughter, who has her own issues and problems with her father? Perhaps she was upset, but this is between her and him. You should have consoled her without getting personally involved and getting others (his mom) involved as well.

Your daughter will tell you what she thinks you want to hear. You do not know what he might have told her before he left or on previous occasions. You should not have heard his return call.

I love my children, but I have learned that a 10 year old can often be very selfish and jealous. Have you really thought about what your daughter is doing? She raises a fuss when he leaves town. This is the issue. A child might get upset at what a parent does, but no 10 year old has the right to attempt to control a parents actions.

Uncontrollable crying in a 10 year old is often unacceptable behavior. Perhaps you would be wise to seek professional help for your daughter from a child psychologist. If she is having a hard time with expressing her emotions, then she may need help that you cannot give (why else would you call your Ex to help console her?).

Before you jump his case, talk to him about your daughter's behavior. Listen to what he says. Ask questions if you need to. Assume nothing. Plan a course of action on which you can both agree. This should never have to happen again.

Answer 2

NO you were not wrong to do what you did! Your daughter needed to know that one of her parent's is there for her and concerned about her well being.
Why did he get upset about a message. If he couldn't talk at the moment he had the choice to listen to the message and call later.
You need to sit this guy down and tell him that under no terms is he to ever call your daughter and chew her out. Remind him that she is only 10 years old and that she wants & needs to know that her dad is there for her no matter what. After having him without restrictions or rules regarding when to call or not to call--she probably doesn't understand and feels that he is pushing her away. Make sure that he knows that you are not jealous of the new gf & that this is about your daughter (men are sometimes egotistical enough to think that mamas put their daughters up to getting between them and the gf). As a matter of fact, don't mention the gf unless it is necessary. You may also want to consider asking him not to bring her around the kids. From what you described she sounds selfish and not like the kind of person you'd trust your kids with.

Answer 3

NO, his daughter's feelings come first and his girlfriend shouldn't be so jealous of his past that she is pushing him away from his children. There is not much you can do on his end, but just be there for your children. This might have worked this time, calling him mom, but if he stays with this woman, you might not have him be so nice the second time around. Be the best mom you can be! In the longrun, the kids are going to resent him for "ditching" them for some woman, and he is going to lose out on their lives. Good luck!

I read some of the other answers and if a daughter wants to call her father and leave a silly message, there is nothing wrong with that. I bet the soldiers in Iraq wish that they could hear their children's voice!!!! He coming down on her was rude and he should never tell a child to only contact him in an emergency situation. He is her father all the time! And yes, he does have a new life that he has a right to, but his children come first.

Answer 4

I don't think you were wrong in calling his mother to get in contact with him. His loyalties should lie with his daughter. If he was on his honeymoon and his daughter called him over something silly then I could understand him being a little upset but not to the point of chewing her out about it. He should have calmly asked her not to call him unless it was an emergency because he was having a special weekend away with his special friend. He shouldn't put his girlfriend first but he should be allowed to go away with his girlfriend over the weekend so long as it doesn't interfere with contact he has with his children.

I have 2 children aged 9 and almost 7 with my ex husband. He has always said that any time they need to talk to him, he doesn't care if it is at 3 in the morning because they are sick or had a bad dream that he will be happy to talk to them because he wants them to feel secure. It helps that my ex husband and I have been able to remain friends. Even though he has a new girlfriend and I am remarried, this situation will always stand because we both feel it is more important that the kids feel secure. We have boundaries and he always lets me know his movements for the sake of the kids knowing where he is for the reason if they ever needed to call him.

In short, your ex should be more devoted to his children.

Answer 5

First off, hon, a 10 year old does not dictate where a parent goes, or with whom. So, have a little chat with her that goes like this, "Dad is a grown man. He is going to make decisions for himself. You (and I) need to accept that he has a right to do this,even if we do not like it."

Second, her phone call interrupted a time that he considered personal.

This is not the fault of the child.

If Dad does not want personal time interupted then he needs to make a call to his child at an appropriate time each day.

You need to anticipate that he is going to want to abandon his parenting responsibilites for this "new and exciting" new lifestyle he's chosen.

Develop a means of communicating with him that is neutral, and yet ensures he has information. ie:

Suzie went to the eye doctor and got glasses. Your half: 100.00 And make sure you have the documentation.

My ex literally vanished the first two years he was gone. The kids were 12,9, and 5, and my two oldest had a terrible time with it.

First, he lived with his mother and had her tell the kids he couldn't come to the phone when they called.

Then he moved in with some woman and had HER tell the kids he couldn't come to the phone. Neither of these women (grandma and girlfriend) allowed him to have the kids over. ie: It's not his fault, they're the ones who won't Let him have his kids over.

My 9 year old used to pitch a fit and cry and scream when he finally did take them for visitation....she was confused and angry and she always wanted to know when she would see him again.

Try to ease the drama for the kids. Have an alternative activity for when he bails and they are hurt. Learn to go, "Oh well, we can go see that movie now, then, can't we?"

We've all come to that uncomfortable place where we know he is what he is. Never to be any different. If he speaks with them then fine and dandy and if he never said another word, my kids are prepared to go on anyway. It's not ideal, it's kinda stupid, but it's where he's at and there is no changing that.

I wish you luck, dear.
And God bless you and yours.

Answer 6

I think the way he responded was wrong. Maybe there is more to this....does it cost a lot to leave a message when in another state? If the message was a silly one and she was playing there was no reason for his behavior.

However you mention that your daughter is raising a fuss about his girlfriend and him leaving town with her. Is she disrespecting the new girlfriend? Are there issues that they need to work out together.

As far as someone telling him to treat her this way....I would hope that he was able to speak for himself and be a dad first.....

Just be there for her...don't point fingers or take sides, just suggest that she talk to her dad about what is bothering her. I think the only way I would be involved is to protect my daughter and also raise her to be respectful and realize that you are both going to be involved with other people and she may not always be happy about that however it is something she is going to have to respect and learn to deal with.

best wishes

Answer 7

Come on no one could tell anyone to mistreat their own child. He is responsible for his own actions. gf or not. You need to learn that men aren't like women. Some can and do leave their children after a divorce. I'm living with a man who done that and he was no ones fault but his. He had this attitude that if he didn't deal with the children he didn't have to deal with the ex. Only problem i saw with that is he paid his support and bills and his ex never gave him a problem with anything. HE just wanted nothing to do with them. I have a relationship with both his kids, i own a business and they both come there and visit with me. You cant make a person be a dad, and i know your daughter is the one who will suffer. All you can do is be there for her and try to stay one step ahead of him and not let her be hurt by him.

Answer 8

I believe it's the right time you tell him how he should behave with your 10 year old.Better, you call him somewhere in a neutral place when you can talk with much emotion and that what he was telling her is nothing but a torture to the innocent child.
If at all he behaves the same way as he is doing now, you better have an appointment with your lawyer .....after all, you can't tolerate this for eternity.
I hope you have enough courage and tact in you to ventilate to him what is expected of him.Your lawyer will tell you the right course of action at this stage .....legally speaking.
The custody of the child and related matters, I guess, I have already told you about.
May god give mental and psychological strength to overcome all these in a perfect manner.


God Bless

Answer 9

what is his reason for wanting to hear from her in an emergency ? is the cell phone roaming / 10 dollars a minute ? if so, this might be the reason why. he is going for a weekend not a month. is the issue really the relationship with the child or is it the fact that he is away with GF ? many people work / have demands and not speaking to family for 2 days if extremenly cost prohibitive / or if there are time differences that are big , might be explanation. solidiers in iraq don't talk to family daily. it's an expectation that is not always practical but is almost expected here in America.

Answer 10

No, you weren't wrong. But one thing that seems clear is that you won't be able to always deal with this situation this way. He will eventually pull away no matter what his mother has to say to him.
He's your ex and his new girlfriend has a lot of power over him. You don't even figure in the equation. Your daughter is the one who is being shunted aside and that is what upsets your daughter. So try to think of ways to deal with this that help your daughter and not ways that put him on the spot.
When he feels like you are pressuring him, he can simply turn to his girlfriend and she will support him in pulling away. That's not going to lead anywhere good.
You can appeal to his sense of parental responsibility but not if you make it a 'mean parent' vs. 'good parent' show down.
His girlfriend wants his time and his loyalty. Don't try to fight that. She's aware that you are tugging at him from the sidelines and it makes her more aggressive with her needs. So don't be her 'opponent'. Appreciate that if she thinks her kids need his attention, she's acting on behalf of her kids when she involves your ex in her life. So let her. It's not unreasonable. She sees him as a possible stepfather, helping her with her family. That's not unheard of.
You can definitely make things worse with your attitude. The person who suffers will be your daughter. Keep that in mind and try being more cooperative about his new life. He does have one.