My wife spends a lot of time with a group of friends, one of which is a male. The group hangs out late at least 1 night a week, and she often stays up until 2, 3 and even 4 AM talking to the male friend after the group has left. One night she told me he IMed her at work, saying he is REALLY "in love" with her. I got pissed, but we talked about it and other issues in our marriage, and WE are now OK, however, I have not spoken with the man since the incident, and it is known that he is not welcome in my house. My wife is still friendly with him, and goes to the group hangouts that he attends. She told him what he said was not cool, but I feel she allowed it to happen to a certain extent. Now he says the statement was part of a religious cleansing process for Yom Kippor? (a Jewish holiday), where you confess things to make you feel better. I don't buy it, and am feeling more angry that he's trying to deflect blame from his actions. He is also married. What do you think?
2007-12-09 15:16:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thanks for all the quick responses. It helps to hear the various perspectives on this.
In regards to Kaye's response... perhaps some more context would help to clarify where I'm coming from. I'm well versed in the perspective and reaction that you posed, living in a town centered around a predominantly feminist college, and by being just a wee bit intelligent as well. My stating that "I feel she allowed it to happen to a certain extent", is a summarization of how I feel in conjunction with other experiences I've had in my relationship with her. Right or wrong, I come to this line of thinking based on the idea of "what it would take for ME to allow a situation like this to transpire". I know that I have steered relationships with females friends in directions that make it clear where the boundary's are. I think women have the ability to to the same, and I don't think it's Burqa Mentality to suggest that someone who happens to be female should have the same expectation on them.
2007-12-10 08:58:54 · update #1
there is a friend of ours who is married and she is hooked on my partner, and I am totally not cool with it.
My partner and I spoke about this and we decided even though she doesn't have any effect on him and really doesn't matter to us, it is best to keep the distance and not give her any opportunities to pursue or continue her infatuation.
People like that will use any excuse to have contact with the person they are after, and it is up to your partner to stand up for your relationship and not allow it to happen because as I have experienced: these people do not respect your relationship let alone you. Therefore it is useless to try and speak with them yourself, they will not respect your wishes. Your partner needs to tell this man to leave her alone and I would say cut off all contact.
Your partner she needs to understand where her priorities are, even if it means "hurting" this guy. Your feelings should be more important to her.
And if she can't understand and respect your feelings then she needs to start packing because obviously she is more interested in caring about the other guy's feelings, not yours.
She needs to make a choice, she wants you, or him. NOT BOTH.
PS I classify her behaviour as emotional cheating.
2007-12-09 15:30:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No offense, but your wife sounds like a **** and reminds me of those women who are golddiggers and marry men for their $$$$$/resources. You and SHE took vows when you got married and running around with other men when She's married is a spit in the face to your marriage & relationship. If your situation is basically crippling your mind/emotions, I'd strongly suggest you 1) Talk to Somebody Abt It Who You're Comfortable/Seak Therapy 2) More Important & As hard as it sounds put Up A Strong Front 2 Your Wife & Show Her You Won't Tolerate This Type of Behavior... You might consider counseling, Idk whts her side of the story, but from your description your marriage seems 2 be on the rocks... You may also want to be prepared for a good divorce lawyer. And as much as it doesn't seem now, getting a divorce is still better than having a marriage when your wife doesn't give a **** abt you and your children. Your kids will b raised in dat mentality dat marriage is pointless/love is garbage... on top of dat if you have kids they'll think dat its ok to have affairs/cheat on your spouse/treat them the way she's treating you. Oh yea, and if you do go down the path of getting divorced. I'd also go for sole custody of your kids cause seriously your wife doesn't sound at all 2 care abt her & your kids cus this behavior would never continue if she did and you DONT want your kids 2 be raised in such atmosphere.
2016-05-22 10:15:20 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, he created a messy and uncomfortable situation for everyone. He confessed his love for selfish reasons, don't let him tell you any different. Your wife should make sure he understands that she is in no way interested and she should stop seeing him. He gave up his ability to be friends with your wife when he confessed his inappropriate feelings. You can't control what either of them do but if I was her I'd stop seeing him completely. It's entirely inappropriate.
2007-12-09 15:23:10 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I'm not Jewish, but have you looked up Yom K, it's where you ask for forgiveness to those you hurt. I think your spouse should never talk to him alone again, it will only encourage him. Maybe a little therapy for both of you is best in this difficult time - don't underestimate small problems - they become divorce later!!!!
2007-12-09 15:21:20 · answer #4 · answered by diver down below 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
need advice>>>>Why>> cuz you have a problem and if you don't do something you will soon.. tell her how u feel and tell him that you aren't gonna put up with any of his bullshit ... are you afraid of offending him .. do you like him so much ... let him know that you aren't going down easy ... most guys like this act tough and would like to think that you don't really care ....lay down your heart to her but lay down the law with him don't apologise to him either tell him you'll kill him if he approaches your wife like that again .. nip it in the bud with him and ask her to stop communicating at all with him ...Don't expect him to get subtle messages from you psychical..Be nice to her about it and be an asshole to him otherwise he won't get the message ....he's a scab and will look for easier prey else where ..
2007-12-10 23:05:46 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your wife and the man are playing with fire.As an old pastor friend of mine used to say, "rub 2 sticks together long enough you WILL get a fire".
Tell the mans wife what he said.Things should get interesting.Maybe your wife wont stop going to the group, but I bet his wife makes HIM stop going!
2007-12-09 15:51:38 · answer #6 · answered by Joe F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OH PLEASE!
Your wife can not control what anyone feels about her.
This is as bad as saying part of the reason a good looking woman gets raped is because she's attractive....so it's partly her fault.
That's "Burqa Mentality".
FACT:
Your wife is a married woman.
It is wrong to "lust after" a married person.
THIS MAN was wrong to "lust" after your wife AND
he was wrong to "confess" his improper feelings to her.
.
Your wife did not hide this "confession" from you. SHE told you about the email, probably because she felt a little threatened & was worried about what else this guy might do.
.
And you are repaying her fidelity by saying " I feel she allowed it to happen to a certain extent."
.
Allowed it? Are you kidding me or yourself?
.
What... you think she can read minds?
Or does she have to beat stray males off with a stick everytime she goes out in public so she should have known?
Get real.
.
If anyone "allowed it to happen to a certain extent" it was YOU.
You knew, as well as she did, that she was keeping late hours with this guy and apparently that didn't bother you enough to demand it stop.
.
Don't worry about this guy and his marriage, etc, worry about your own marriage and making it work.
2007-12-09 15:44:36 · answer #7 · answered by Kaye 6 · 1⤊ 3⤋
Good Luck Getting Rid Of Him.
-Keep your Friends Close & your Enemies CLOSER!!!
2007-12-09 15:27:00 · answer #8 · answered by divo318 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Definitely smells like a rat. I would never hang out with a male friend until 4 am. and certainly not if he said he liked/loved me. It is completely inappropriate and inconsiderate to you. How would she feel if you did that to her?!
2007-12-09 15:33:09 · answer #9 · answered by hippieturtle99 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need to visit his wife and let her know what he has done.
You have the right to be pissed and if it was me I would go a confront him face to face (Not physical) and let him know that your wife told what he done.
Your wife was great to let you know what happened cause had she not told you and you found out you would be thinking she was cheating
2007-12-09 15:23:52 · answer #10 · answered by J Rebel 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋