Bloom
Prologue: Remember
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A tall figure watched the moonlight reflect onto the pale water of the royal garden's pond. Stars dotted the sky, making everything seem bright even when it was the middle of the night.
His messy raven black hair needed to be cut, his deep emerald green eyes full of depression. He is dressed in a simple dark blue tunic that was thin, yet cool in the spring breeze. His dark brown pants are worn from use, and have been stitched up in some areas.
Even if he looked grubby at the moment, he used to be part of the royal order of knights for the kingdom he lives in. Not anymore..those days were just a faded memory..
'..Just like him. Just like Mizuki..'Samaru murmured sadly, gripping his hands into fists.
2007-12-09 14:50:19 · 6 answers · asked by Fhi-chan 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Samaru remembered the day that Mizuki came to the kingdom. It was a summer day that was peaceful so far.
The villagers were giddy over the fact that magic would be brought once more into the kingdom. The knights were chattering over who would be chosen to protect this new mage.
Samaru was chosen by the King himself. A powerful and loyal knight to protect a fair lovely mage. The King, Queen, and Samaru were waiting for him in the throne room.
That's when Samaru saw him for the first time.
His short blonde hair seemed to have natural curl to it, it was so light that it was almost white. Fair pale skin that matched the color of snow, and deep ocean blue eyes.
His white robes are neat and smooth, the sleeves colored at the end with a teal color. A wide grin on his lips, he greeted his new knight.
'Hello, Samaru. I'm Mizuki. Its very nice to meet you..'
2007-12-09 14:57:22 · update #1
This fanfiction started out as a roleplay. I have no talent in writing fanfiction, this being my first one.
I'M USED TO WRITING ROLEPLAYS.
2007-12-09 15:04:03 · update #2
If I have read versions of that here once, I have read them 1000 times. It is very ordinary and dull. I don't want a description of a person's wardrobe in the prologue. I want something that grabs hold of me and pulls me into the book and doesn't let go until it's done. Take your opening and compare it to the opening paragraph of Lolita.
"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongye taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta"
Or the beginning of 100 Years of Solitude
"Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice."
Or the beginning of The Stranger
My mother died today, or perhaps it was yesterday.”
Then look back at yours. I would delve into the other three. What makes yours as exciting? Right now the way it is, nothing. It's just a standard description of a fantasy story character. Nothing to interest me at all.
----
They're, Their, There - Three Different Words.
Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.
Pax - C
2007-12-09 15:02:46 · answer #1 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
overall, i think it was very interesting. if i had suddenly came across this omewhere iw ould have definitely read it!! in a second!!
um.... fan fic? if its a reg fan fic then i guess it would be ok since most fan fics are set up like this... but its a bit too "cropped" for my tastes. thats why i dont read many fan fics. i like to read them as if they were actually stories... not all broken up into short sentences and descriptions and so on.
Samaru remembered the day that Mizuki came to the kingdom. It was a summer day that was peaceful so far-- this sentence here... i dont like. (sorry) i think that could be re-written/re-phrased.
aside from a few sentence structure "fixings" (lol) i love it alot!! it really drew me in!!
good luck and great job!!
2007-12-11 19:44:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Like what all work and no play said, there's an error in the 2nd paragraph.
But, other than that, this story gets a 10/10.
2007-12-10 23:09:08 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You made a tense error in the second paragraph, but otherwise it's ok. I think there might be too much telling going on here, you might be revealing too much through summary. It's a cool story idea though.
2007-12-09 22:57:26 · answer #4 · answered by all work and no play 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your writing is very nice, but you have a lot of subject-verb agreement and tense-switching problems that need to be edited. Besides that though, it is pretty good.
2007-12-10 01:25:09 · answer #5 · answered by Duke Paul-Muad'Dib Atreides 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well since its fanfiction...
its only real audience is you...
so if you like it great...
but then why are you posting here?
need validation?
sorry but i wouldnt want to read it...
2007-12-10 00:21:22 · answer #6 · answered by ver 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋