I need some advice bad....I feel sooo confused and sad :(?

Question

I will try to keep it short. I work graveyard shifts at work. I came home on Saturday morning from work and my husband( I have been with him for 8 years) was cryng in pain. He kept saying his stomache hurt. He thought he was gonna die from the pain. I thought maybe it was the flu. So I dropped him off at the ER and went back home to try and sleep. Well I guess it was not the flu. He is now in the hospital in ICU, and had to have surgery from internal bleeding and ripping. Finally a doctor took me aside and said he had used a sex toy and was so aggressive with it that it ripped him inside his body. I think his colon. I'm soo angry because my husband did not tell ME this, and that he could die because of the bleeding. Then again I'm soo sad b-cuz I love him and nobody deserves the pain he is going through. He has surgery today and is still in BAD condition, they had to do a blood transfusion. What should I do? I want to love him and leave him at the same time!!! This is killing me! HELP!

I only left him there because I work at night VERY long shifts. He said he was sick and in pain. thought it was just the flu and that he would get some medicine and be right back home. I had no clue it was that bad. He told me to go home and rest and not to worry! Put your self in my shoes please, before you judge me. I can't talk to anyone. They will probably freak out and I have no friends at all. I only have him and our kids.

maybe I just sound selfish but I can't help how I feel. And this is killing me too! We have already been through ALOT! I'm sooo mad and sad and so damn confused!!!!!!!!!!

And I knew he liked toys. But this was a very long time ago. I did not know that he was still doing this. Especially when I'm working my *** off at work! WHen I see him at the hospital it hurts soo bad. It hurts to know he did this, it hurts to know he did not tell me, it hurts to see him hurt sooo much!!! I really do love him still!

Answer 1

I had to go away and come back to this one. First - I DON'T necessarily thing a man enjoying anal play is "gay" - his kink is his kink..is all. The fact that you know he liked it shouldn't be a problem for you, unless, in fact it involved other people (which changes the story I think). So WHAT is he enjoys it? So what that he's getting off while you are at work? I've worked late and my wife has "taken the edge off" which I was on duty. As long as it wasn't a case of infidelity.. don't sweat it. Mind you...he needs to EASE up on the intensity of his self play, but then I get the real feeling that he may have to say goodbye to that fetish anyway, because once damage like that occurs, things are never the same as before, and he'd risk more harm by trying his toy out. (might be a good idea if you urged him to trash his toy, not out of your disgust, but out of a safety concern)

As far as leaving him... you have to keep this in perspective - what did he really do to warrant you leaving him? I think you should not even entertain such thoughts right now. He'll need your support now and for a while after this - this might be a chance to resolidify your bond and reassess your mutual priorities. And if you have kids, they'll need to see that support. "For better or for worse can get MUCH worse" take my word for it - I nearly lost my marriage this year.

I hope things turn out okay and even though I don't know you - I'll say a prayer for him, and for you as a couple.

Answer 2

Sexual fetish and fantasies , we all have them, maybe not to this point, but we do, I am sure on one occasion or two, you may have had some down time to enjoy yourself alone. He went a little over board and hurt himself. At least he wasn't cheating on you. Be there for him. No reason to leave. At the least , let him explain what happened. Maybe he is looking for a deeper sex life, than the two of you have,not to feel bad about it, but maybe he just couldn't tell you ,just how deep it was for him.
It's more of a shock to you right now, more so the embarrassment he has put you through, hearing it from someone else. I think when he feels better, you need to talk about it. Trust me Doctors have seen it all, and they wont look at you any different.

Answer 3

You want to leave him bc he didnt tell you how he was injured? Yes maybe it was foolish of him to go that far, but at the time you got home, the how was secondary to the fact that he needed help. If you want to leave him bc he got a little exploratory, leave now so he can fidn someone who actually HAS A HEART. This isnt another person he was with, just a sculpted stick. It sounds like there are some other issues going on here, but if you're mad about this you dont deserve to be married.

Answer 4

He was obviously too embarassed about what he likes in bed to tell you about it. Maybe he was afraid you'd think he's weird or gay or who knows what. Point is, right now, don't worry about it. See how the surgery goes and that he's well taken care of. When he's recovered, sit down with him and have a talk. I'm sure he knows that he will have to explain things now. If you guys later determine that you aren't compatible, you can always leave, but for now, focus on his recovery and give yourself a little time to let it all sink in and do a little soul searching as to how you feel about his practices and how much you're prepared to accept. Don't make any rash decisions, esp not now while this is all still fresh in your mind.

Answer 5

sorry to hear your pain..i know you love your husband and you're probably pretty scared, rightfully so..with that said, I'm going to try to be as compassionate as possible due to your grieving...
your husband had a sex toy..and there's only one end the toy will go..saying this...your husband have been engaging in sex with other men. Your husband's actions has gotten him into this. Unfortunately, his family has to suffer and you're left picking up the pieces. I'll say stick by his side, make sure he pulls through...when he does...you need to rethink your marriage and most definitely get tested for HIV..I wish you all the best of luck and hope you hold your head up and be strong!

People i wouldn't judge this woman too much. Imagine this happening to you and you're in her shoes...She going through enough right now..Please you really do need to reconsider your relationship..."YES" marriage is for better or worst but this...is just all worst than what worst can get.

Answer 6

Well if you still love him and want this marriage to work, support him through this very tough time and when he gets home it sounds like you two have some things to talk about. Honesty and communication are the keys to a good relationship and talk to him, tell him you won't judge him but you need to know what is going on and want to understand. Let his wounds heal for now and deal with the situation when he gets home. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well I got to your question a little late but I hope I can help as well,,,My only advice is, live today as if this was his last day. Do you want to have any regret if something were to happen to him in the hospital? I guessing, no. So for now focus on his health. Good luck to both.

Answer 8

First, you need to understand that many men, including straight men, like to use sex toys on themselves. It is possible that, as other answerers said, he is cheating on you with a man, but it is more likely that he used the toy by himself.

What should you do? You should stand by his side as much as possible and support him. This is life or death, and the more family support he has the better. Once he is better, tell him that you don't appreciate the fact that he used sex toys without telling you, and since he almost died you forgive him and are letting him start over with a clean slate.

Answer 9

Sorry, but this is not good at all, I wouldn't dare be with a guy like that because who's to say if he left his girlfriend for you and then done you the same way & messed around with another girl behind your back? Find a man, not just a guy....

Answer 10

Forgive him and focus on your love for each other. If you get angry for his actions you will only regret it if he dies. Love him spend as much time with him. Its just a sex toy.. Really think before you get mad. Even if he was cheating on you deal with that later right now my advice is to put all anger aside. Love him cause you might lose him.