How do you get rid of hate?

Question

I have been with the same man for years and he has become so annoying and negative. How do I find it in my heart to even put effort into this relationship? I'm trying to make it work but every time I open my mouth to say something he has a negative response. How do I try to save a relationship when I feel so much anger and hate?

Answer 1

Sounds like HE needs to put forth more effort, not YOU.
You're going to have to talk to him about it. Sometimes giving a man an ultimatum is the only thing that will get things through to them

Answer 2

Wow, I feel for you. Actually, I'm in a similar position myself. Here's what works for me: I know I still love my man even thought I think he regresses in age to 7 years old sometimes throwing temper tantrums to get his way. Ha! I work hard to generate a loving feeling toward him anyway, and it usually works. Other times I try and turn things into humor, lighten things up, and that works sometimes.

But, as a therapist (yeah, I am...), my advice is for any couple who is feeling as negative and worried and myself and the question writer to seek a good couples/marriage counselor. NO, it doesn't mean your a mental case. Counselor's roles are to help YOU BOTH figure your own heads out and get to the place YOU want to be, whatever that may be. Find a Licensed Social Worker (a master's level clinical practitioner- MSW) who works with couples. Stay away from Psychologists and Masters in Counseling practitioners. That is a personal bias, but there are good reasons for my saying this. I won't go into that here, though...

What to do if he won't go? YOU GO! Get yourself sorted out - then you can perhaps persuade him to join you in a session...and let the counselor work their magic.

One last tidbit: get some info on Co-dependency. You can find it on the web and also in the bookstore. Very valuable info for anyone in a relationship. This society simply does not prepare people to understand the concept of boundaries and balance in intimacy, you know?

Just know you are NOT alone in your struggles. Even the therapist has to deal with it!

Good luck.

~Shiva~

Answer 3

well one way to try to start is to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Try to figure out what has made them so hateful. It is easier to forgive if we can empathize with those who have caused us harm. Also, try to think back to the beginning. Think of what made you fall in love with him in the first place. Dwell on the positive things he does. Compliment him for the positive things he does. Sometimes even a small change in our attitude can make a change in another person.

Since I don't know all the details and I am sure you don't want to get into them, This is the best advice I can give you. Everyone has things that are good and bad about them. Try to dwell on the good. Also, have the good sense to realize you may not always be a peach yourself. Relationships are a two way street, maybe both of your negativity is playing off the other. (Resentment can happen on both sides)

Answer 4

You don't! You can try counseling but it sounds like you are carrying the relationship and can do much better in a relationship with someone trying as hard as you are to save a relationship. It is not a failure to give up on the relationship but rather a life choice of happiness rather than unhappiness and there should be no question in your mind which is better for you.

Answer 5

It must be because of your religion and financial dependency. Why else would you put up with that kind of degradation?
Give him an ultimatum, if you dare. Change or leave. If he wants to keep it together, get counseling, forgive him and move on with life. If he won't, move on without him. Either way, it will take a lot of courage. Sometimes, it's just more comfortable to stay in hell...but why would you?

Answer 6

First of all, you must know that Indifference is the opposite of love and not hate, so there is still hope no matter how small it is. Have you tried counselling? going on a vacation separately? A marital therapist could help you with this.

Answer 7

That is his character defect. If he doesn't admit he has a problem with hate he will never overcome it. Don't live your entire life with a negative and hateful person. Trade him in at the used car lot and take a look for a new model with low mileage someone who you can share your life with who is positive and loving. If he is unwilling to change.

Answer 8

suggest marriage counseling. If you can afford it or he says no, sit down and talk with him about how you fell like you've come to your wits end. If things don't change, get out, before you're completely destroyed.. a person's negativity can destroy the beauty of your self.

Answer 9

You can't save a relationship that is out of your control. If he will not change and give you the respect you deserve, nothing will change. If he is agreeable you could go for couples counselling, but otherwise, I think you have to get out for your own sanity.

Answer 10

you need to seek proffesional help, or watch out for what is in the long run, i know four things that fortells an end to a relationship are withdrawal, critism, defensivness, and i think the last straw is contempt. wish you the best

Answer 11

You can't get rid of hate. My mom has the same problem. My dad emotionally abuses myself and my mother. He is really mean and annoying. This has been going on for years and nothing has changed. You can't save this relationship it's going to be that way if you don't end it.