husband in affair for 1 year is this repairable?

Question

Our marrage was emotionally over, he says he is commited to resolving it. He is still calling her every day...but it is really more complicated than all this. I have found out this affair has lasted about a year. I knew nothing about it untill 6 weeks ago. I made changes to be a better partner and wife. I see small changes in him also. he has pictures of the two of them sexually involved on a sex web site. He has still not removed them. I try not to pry. I think he is/was in love with her. When I ask him why he would want to stay in this marrage he says because of the kids, the house and of course for me. He tells me every day that he loves me, I do not think he is in love with me anymore. I want to give him the bennifit of the doubt. It has only been 3 weeks since he made the decision to commit to the marrage. this was a decision he said the two of them made. After I confronted her. Do I give this more time? or should I simply start planning for the devorice

Answer 1

I've been there. My husband had a 4.5 year affair with a woman who was supposed to be a friend of mine.

My husband was "emotionally addicted" to her because it was easy for him to run to her when we had trouble (and I knew about the affair nearly from the start so we had plenty of arguments) and then he'd run back to me when they had trouble. The doctor actually gave my husband a medication they give to people to help them quit an addiction...like gambling.

I also insisted that we go to marriage counseling AND we both went into individual counseling.

There were three books that I found helpful. "After the Affair" and "How Can I Forgive You?," by Dr. Janis Abrams Spring. The other book was "Getting The Love That You Want," by Dr. Harville Hendrix. These books took some time to work through but they were worth it.

Ultimately, the decision hinges on whether you feel that it is worth the work that will be needed to continue your marriage.

You need to INSIST that he no longer have ANYTHING to do with this woman. He needs to delete the photos. It needs to be totally over. If he can't separate from this woman, my advice to you is leave now. I stayed for 4.5 years when any sane person would have gotten out. We've worked things out now but our marriage will never be the same.

YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON TO BLAME FOR THE AFFAIR! Your husband promised to be true to you on the day you got married. He broke his promise to you, your families, and to God (if it was a religious ceremony). You can make changes to help improve your marriage, but never blame yourself for this. He CHOSE to step outside the marriage instead of facing the difficulty and working through the problems.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 2

I don't understand what you mean when you say you 'moved on'? Normally someone would say that when they divorced. It sounds like you went into denial - also not uncommon. The problem with that is the dynamic in your marriage remains unchanged, due to the denial over what happened, so the pressures in it pushing you apart remain in place and are now exacerbated by the affair fallout (making it even harder to make the changes you need to). He is always going to care about her and occasionally he is going to bump into her. She is now more-or-less an amiable ex-gf. Apparently he is attractive enough to keep landing new woman as well. For him it is a matter of >choosing< to put you first, which he does not appear to be doing. Why? I know everyone else is going to say 'Move on!!!' but I see a little deeper and see you have trouble relating to people, even your husband or especially your husband, and probably are depressed much of the time. This is not "your fault"; you are who you are, but it is still your responsibility to do something about it. As the spouse of such a person I can tell you that it is incorrigible; you are married yet still very alone and 'not allowed' to date and no matter your willpower you can only live like that for so long before you just can't take it anymore. Then the decisions is divorce? or cheat? I've been a kick for a while trying to make my marriage better, but in the end it just highlights how polarized the marriage is. I cannot make it better on my own.

Answer 3

This in only my opinion, but to me I think that his reasons are a bit messed up. First reason he should want to make the marriage work is because he loves you! Furthermore if it takes him making the decision with this other girl to make your marriage work then there is reason number 2! This should have been a decision only between you and your husband. The kids, the house... an unhappy marriage staying together for the kids... no! That just makes matter worse. Now honestly I think if he want to make it work then you don't give him more time, and if he resists then he doesn't want it to work either. Someone can say they love you a thousand times a day, that does not matter, What matters is does he love you? Only you can make the decision of what you want to live with and tolerate. I wouldn't live like that! I wouldn't want my kids to see and feel the tension between me and my husband, their father. If nothing else I would make the decision of how my life was going to go. I would try to do what is best, maybe give the relationship a try, but I would not let it get the best of me! Sometimes its just not worth it. Good Luck!

Answer 4

A marriage goes through trials and errors, happy time, and bad, but just like any thing in life, its going to fall through the cracks if not given the time and committment. Looks like your husband isn't participating in the marriage and has found something to spoil his addiction. You aren't happy and I am sure, very ashamed at his pursuit. So why not start committing to yourself and get involved with what matters? He is a run-away train right now, and allowing him to hit his wall, is what you need to let happen. It hurts that you want him to snap out of it immediately and focus on reality because he is in a state of uphora. You need a support group, some legal counsel, and a decision-to stay or not to stay. To stay means coping with the embarrassment and the aftermath of when he finally decides to accept you or leave you because he can't face reality anymore. Plus what about the kids? The kids will fall to the side as well because all your sadness and your guilt will take over you and your focus will be on your increasing suspicions and mistrust.
If you are worried about what the neighbors might think, they'll think worse of you for putting up with the bad decision of "putting up with it". If you leave, you learn about yourself again and what you did wrong in the marriage. You learn to forgive yourself and forgive the idiot causing the break-up. Don't forget about the children. If you do, they grow up neurotic and punish you for bringing them into this world and not having a solid emotional, mental, and financial foundation for them before they arrive. (this is what most kids feel when parents break up).

Answer 5

are You feeling broken hearted and lonely because of a relationship

is Your spouse or lover having an affair

Is your heart breaking because your true love is with someone else?

How disheartening to know the person you love is giving all their love time and devotion to someone else.

There are few things worse in life than when someone you love is with someone else.
Your life stops. you are devastated, and in many ways there is a feeling of hopelessness.
Most of all, you are feeling life will never be the same.

The worse way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can have them.

Sometimes you dont realize how much you love someone until they stopped loving you.

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else

but it is more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return

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Answer 6

To stay or not is something only you can decide.

Now - for him - the only way he can be committed to your marriage is to have absolutely no contact with her. Of course he is emotionally involved with her and has feelings for her after that length of time. But he is going to have to hurt and get over her to be able to committ to you. You tell him he needs to contact her and let her know he will no longer call her, email her, text her or see her as he has made the decision to work on you and his relationship.

Please take a look at the following websites; they may assist both of you. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Opinion: Ask yourself this! Why would you be with someone if they don't commit the first time? So, once being cheated on, and im sure he didnt give a lot of thought, he will cheat again. Thinking that the relationship is mended, he'll hurt you again. No doubt about that. You want to be first in the relationship! You dont need the bs. Look onward to a new life! You'll be wasting your time when there's other good men out there for you who want to be truly with you. Let it be as it is, as he has already given up. (not entirely, but bound to happen)

Answer 8

He is not a very decent husband to have him and her sexually involved on a sex web site. And the fact he has not removed makes it worse. There are some guys that enjoy this way of life. How humiliating for you and the children. You have every right to pry, you took your wedding vows seriously. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt, he deserves being kicked to the curb.

Answer 9

Is this the way he shows love and is this the role model you want for your children? This sounds like it's all about him and his needs, desires and schedule. Do you still have respect for this person? Have some respect for yourself and do the right thing for your children's sake. Teach them what a good marriage should be about. Frankly, I don't know how you can trust him. It sounds like you've been more than patient and yes it will be difficult but with the support of your family I would be seeking the services of a good divorce attorney. Best wishes for a happier Christmas next year!

Answer 10

Omg get a grip and call a lawyer! You don't want to pry? I walked in your shoes and I'm glad I walked to a new life and so should you. Once a cheater always a cheater he is not committed to you at all. Sorry to be so blunt but honey WAKE UP! I just want to add that I have the house and I never put my kids in the middle and never bad mouthed him..You deserve better in your life than this poor excuse of a husband!