Is divorce an avenue I should consider?

Question

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and together for 6 years. I love her and believe that she loves me, but we're not IN LOVE anymore. I don't remember the last time that we had sex (and it's my fault, I have no desire to have sex with her). I've found myself questioning whether or not I want to be married any longer. We mostly get along well, but she annoys the crap out of me for no reason 60% of the time we're together. She's not cheated on me (although I've allowed and encouraged her to spend time alone with male friends) and I've not cheated on her (although I've confessed to a woman recently that I have feelings for her and she feels the same way). I'm not interested in cheating on my wife, I wouldn't do that. When we got married it was last minute and only because she wanted to. I didn't object, but it wasn't a priority for me. I don't think that marriage is necessary. I'm depressed and irritable and she's not getting the attention from me that she deserves. Help?

I would like to make note that I made no pact with/for a "God" that I don't believe in. Hence, why marriage doesn't really add meaning to a serious relationship. Also, I'm not allowing her to be friends with guys and be alone with them in hopes that she'll cheat on me, that's just stupid. I don't want to cheat on her and wouldn't appreciate it if she did. We had talked about getting married and my response was always, we will. We were living together and managing the finances together and essentially were married already. That point is what made me not feel that legalizing our marriage needed to be a priority. I have always been faithful to her and wouldn't even consider cheating on her, and I feel that maybe the way I conveyed myself earlier would lead some of you to believe that I want a divorce to be with someone else immediately. That's not the case, I've been unhappy for quite a while now, and only recently have began to have feelings for this person.

Answer 1

get a divorce.
you don't love her and she does not love you.
you both are thinking of others.

Answer 2

you have cheated on her already . it's just a technicality that you haven't had sex with that other woman. by encouraging her to develop relationships with other men ... you are putting her in a situation that you hope she will cheat on you so that you will be able to blame her for cheating and get what you want the easy way by not making a tough decision. also, you do not think marriage is necessary ... this is again like trying to blame her. if you did not want to marry her / you should have stood up like a man and made a though decision and said no. i think you are sort of passive aggressive maybe ? i think you should get help with your depression . and see a marriage counselor. marriage matters is a great course church offers. you discuss communication , managing your finances, sex, parenting styles ,etc. etc. i would put the new woman on hold for six months. work on making yourself healthy ( figure out the depression ). you must be healthy to have a good relationship with ANY woman (current wife or any new g/f or future wife. you need to get healthy / get your depression managed first . then you can work on your marriage or be able to access if it's a bad relationship that you need to end. you need some coaching from a professional who can help you think through your real feelings and teach you some skills to communicate them. if you could be a better communicator , you might not have married "last minute" ? if you could communicate to your wife why you are no longer interested , maybe it would be different ? you sound like you want to be the "nice guy" on the surface , but what you might not be seeing is that this is not really fair to her (or any woman) and most importantly not fair to yourself. this is a huge decision and you should get help making it. please do the right thing and get some help for yourself (and her) or the possible new person you will have a realtionship with. you need to be healthier to be happier and to make that person happy. consider going to a christmas service at the church of your choice this holiday season. they will have brochures of the services they offer. take advantage of some of the marriage counseling services. they are cheap and done by professionals. MARRIAGE Matters is the curriculum that ours uses and it's excellent. your work insurance may offer benefits for counselors too that have just co pays you use. they can do individual counseling , counseling for your wife only and for both of you as a couple. you can start by yourself .

Answer 3

You really need to talk to your wife and tell her exactly how you feel and at what point you are at in the relationship. Above all else that needs to be something you must do, for youself and for her. It sounds to me like you really never wanted to get married to begin with, that you just weren't ready but didn't know how to object to the idea. I am sure you still care for her, but if you know for a fact you are no longer in love with this person, staying together will only make things more miserable for you both. Especially now if you are having feelings for someone else. Don't let things drag on and on. If you wish to work on things then seek some help through counseling. However from the looks of things, it seems that you both just need to be grateful for the time you have spent together, and realize that you have just grown apart and need to move on.

Answer 4

I would consider going to marriage counseling before making that type of decision, because regardless of how you feel right now, you made a committment to a marriage and it shouldn't be taken lightly. It is possible that divorce will be the outcome, but before you go that way, you should give it all you've got. You have to take her feelings into consideration. Besides, you don't know how you would really feel if she would take you up on it and decided to divorce then find herself with another guy. You just never know what you have until you lose it. Remember that. It's a fact. Sit with her, tell her how you feel, give it a shot, then make the decision once you've tried everything. This other woman you have feelings for, take that very, very slow. You might regret it in the long run. Stop giving the attention to another woman, that should be given to your marriage. It's not easy. but you have to do everything possible before you make that decision. That way, once you make it, you'll know it was the right thing to do and that you did everything to make it work first.

I know, I did everything possible to make it work. It didn't so now we are planning on a very amicable divorce. We will remain friends. ;)
Good luck

Answer 5

Don't focus on the shoulda woulda coudas. Take a weekend trip or just relax at home if you can and communicate to each other how you feel. If you need to both write each other a letter to give to the other and explain how you feel. Sometimes putting it in writing you know what you want to say without any emotions such as anger getting into the picture. But eventually you will have to face each other. If you communicate with each other you may find you both feel the same way and you may end up getting a divorce but you can keep the friendship intact.

Answer 6

Sounds like you are bored of married life.
Perhaps you ARE interested in cheating on her, which is why you encourage her to spend more time alone with male friends. So you can do the same without feeling any guilt.
Now you say you got married because she wanted to. That is so not fair.
So you think she is not getting any deserved attention from you.
Let her go then, let her find someone who deserves her and whom she deserves. You obviously have found someone else now.

Answer 7

First of all I dont believe the "I only married her/him because I was forced to or whatever" line. You said yes because YOU said yes. Did she have a gun to your head?

But after that, it sounds like counseling may be way beyond this point. You need to ask for a divorce, or at least a seperation and be 100% honest with her. Theres no need in 2 people being miserable or unhappy with each other.


**Edited to add in response to Askers additional details**

You sound intelligent. How does she feel? Have you asked? Would it matter? Have you already made YOUR mind up irregardless of her thoughts or feelings? Is there anything in YOU that is willing to make another shot at it? These are all questions YOU need to ask yourself. If in your heart you are through and you dont see any way out of it, or to make it better, then go ahead with a seperation. Try not to be hasty, but dont make 2 lives unhappy.

Answer 8

You've only been married for 2 years? It sounds like you are allowing petty things to bother you. You are looking for an excuse to divorce. You are implying that you can fall in and out of love as easy as you change your clothes. You made a vow before God, for better or for WORST. You should 1) COMMUNICATE with your wife, and 2) Seek Counsling. Be willing to give her a second chance. Love is not easy, love is just love. Good Luck to you!

Answer 9

Consider diovrce only after you put your all into finding out how this happened. Otherwize, you will go into the next relationship with all the same baggage and issues unresolved. I would encourage you both to seek counseling - the fact that you married in haste, and are already looking outwardly for attention, suggests some other issues.

Answer 10

Normally divorce should be a last resort but in this case you simply don't love her and you would be doing her a favour in the long run by leaving. You are right it is unfair to stay in the marriage if you don't love her the way she deserves to be loved.

Answer 11

Marriage counseling.......I am not sure I agree with how many young people on here think marriage is a game.....To easy to get married and to easy to divorce. Marriage is about communication, unconditional love, understanding, being each others best friends, lover....etc