We like to joke and say my FIL is a "Jewish Mother." He is very affectionate has trouble understanding boundaries. I have 2 daughters, 13.10yo (she is multiply disabled) and 16.6yo. G-pa has always treated them younger than they are (to the point that my youngest doesn't like being around him. He talks to her like she is 3 and she can't stand it. We've tried talking to him but it really doesn't help) and touched them a lot. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, he is not a dirty old man he just really loves them and seriously has no boundaries and doesn't get it that other people do. Another aspect to this problem is him creating problems that don't exist. When Aly was 13 and went through that phase where teens sleep ALL the time, he thought she was doing drugs, she cut her hair short (girlie pixie) and he thought she was a lesbian, she is a very serious, thoughtful and mature young woman and because she's not giggling like an idiot all the time he thinks she's depressed.
2007-12-09 00:04:33 · 12 answers · asked by aly_des 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
ok, so she comes to me last night and tells me that he is always touching her and telling her that she can go and see her counselor anytime she wants (like that's his place)...she's pretty sure he thinks she's depressed. She doesn't want him touching her as much as he does (and guys, it's constant. It has always driven me crazy but I kept my mouth shut. People who just got married don't touch each other this much) and she wants the comments about her counselor to stop (she knows that's an open door and always has been). Sooo, how do I do this without hurting his feelings. This kid is just about everything to him. My hubby is an only child and these are his only grandchildren. He's very sensitive and it's GOING to hurt his feelings but I want to attempt to do that as little as possible. I'm not very tactful so I could use some advice. Thanks!
2007-12-09 00:05:15 · update #1
ok, seriously guys...it's not sexual. SHE doesn't feel it's sexual, it's just all the time. He just doesn't get the fact that she isn't 5 years old anymore. Please don't think I have my head in the sand about this. I ask her about once a week if her g pa bothers her...I listen to my daughter. She knows that I will always back her up when someone is making her uncomfortable. I was severely sexually abused as a child and I have a radar that is very sensitive..he is fine. He's just a touchy feely person. Not everyone that hugs a lot is a child molester or a rapist. I appreciate the concern and I can get that without knowing him it is easy to jump to those conclusions. Also, someone brought up the problems he creates that aren't there. He worries...remember jewish mother....about EVERYTHING. That's all he does, and as a result he fabricates problems that aren't there. He does it with all of us but a teenage girl doesn't need to hear it.
2007-12-09 00:41:42 · update #2
Unfortunately I think you are going to have to be blunt, there is no gentle way of telling your FIL to stop what he is doing. Your daughters are growing up and do not want their grandfather doing this and if he is not careful he will lose them completely. They will try and not to be around when he is around. He is from a different generation and cannot understand that young people behave differently to the time when he was young and anyway what man really understands women. Good luck with whatever angle you take it getting your feelings across to your FIL.
2007-12-09 00:13:37 · answer #1 · answered by ♥dazed 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Well in my opinion you cant really do this without "hurting" his feelings. If hes family he should or in fact, better understand. G-pa is im sure a great and loving person from what im reading from your description but he has to understand your daughters have feelings as well, they need their own space. And with the excessive touching? That isn't necessary. Example, He thinks she is a lesbian because she cut her hair short? and he thinks she was doing drugs because she was sleeping alot? I would take that offensive but hes family so you didint right? So if you explain this situation to G-pa he should understand, if he doesnt have a problem with the accusations hes making to his own grand child, he really shouldnt have a problem recieving back any sort of reactions to his statements.
2007-12-09 00:16:56 · answer #2 · answered by hayden 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
After reading all the information and from a view aside from your own I believe he is being very inappropriate and rude to your daughter.. I would be very hurt if my grandfather accused me of being a lesbian or druggie, even if I was...
That alone is a good reason to tell him to mind his business.
Just because you daughter gets a haircut is no reason to jump to such a horrible conclusions and he also needs to keep his hands off, because if it bothers your daughter than it isn't right. He is your Father In Law..... Not your father.. I would have said something a long time ago.. A loong time ago.
2007-12-09 01:34:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make it short and sweet to him that your daughter isn't a 'touchy feely' person and it is her body and she wants him not to touch her anymore, just talk to her like he would an aquaintance and if he gets defiant express yourself by avoiding him. This isn't a situation to talk to death with him. This is a situation that requires a change in behaviior and if he thinks he has a right to touchy feely because your daughter is a relative, quite frankly I would tell him that is the attitude of incest attackers have for their child victims. This situation is a perfect way to see what exactly are his intentions with this touchy feely crap he pulls with a teenager relative. Good grief. I had an Uncle who was sent to San Quenton prison for incest and for years people made comments on his odd behavior with his oldest girls until one of them took all her courage in her to call the police for help. You need to be your daughters courage and make sure this guy doesn't pull the feel sorry for me garbage I have a weak heart and try and put either of you on a guilt trip. Good luck to you but just having to read this put a chilling cold down my spine and if your daughter feels suspicious of his intent I think you are wise to get in his face and tell him loudly to leave her alone if he doesn't behave when he is told nicely, make the police an option please. Actually, just avoiding him is good. Your daughters come first. Tell him to get a girlfriend his own age. Another thing, please make sure he never gets your girls alone to express his embarressment or his determination to do as he pleases. He is a big fat RED FLAG!
2007-12-09 01:15:16 · answer #4 · answered by sliverofmoon2000 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's best for her to tell him, and if she has to be mean about it so let her...
my gram is like this, but now she just does it to annoy me... she almost gets hit everytime she does it and she know it makes me furious... and it's not in a sexual way either... i've never liked it... she always has to pinch me, or smack my butt, and i just start yelling, or whining or something... my gram is one of the coolest grams i know. she's 69, and acts like she 30... she's awesome... but her pinchy touchy crap drives me crazy... i know where you daughter is coming from....
I understand not wanting to hurt his feelings, and I have to remember that she's 13. i'm 25 and I have been doing this my whole life with my gram... but maybe she needs to tell him nicely to back off.... or just all together ignore his comments and just suck it up... you know she's not a lesbian and not depressed, she know's it. so maybe she could just let that go in one ear and out the other... but she should tell him to stop if it's bothering her.... or she could use her "depression" as a cover up, and then he will think she's just depressed, and is causing her to not like being hugged, touched tickled or what have you!
2007-12-09 00:13:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I G-father was very touchy feely with me and created problems that wasn't really there. My mom always thought he was just being friendly and overprotective but he ended up raping me. My advice is put a stop to it before it goes too far.
2007-12-09 00:11:56 · answer #6 · answered by ♪Give into Me♪ 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You need to have a serious talk with your husband, tell him to ask his father to behave with a bit more restraint around you and his grandchildren. It's all very well to say oh, he will be hurt etc but he is actually showing his complete disregard for other peoples feelings so he needs to be set straight about it.
2007-12-09 00:14:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It won't be easy, but you'll have to stick up for your daughter. Criticism is best received when sandwiched between compliments. Remind him how much you love him- explain how teen age girls are sensitive (not that I think she's being at all overly sensitive) and that these things make her feel awkward. Pray first.... really... good luck
2007-12-09 00:10:10 · answer #8 · answered by Dulos 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
My grandfather was like this... and I am here to tell you that your FIL IS being sexually and emotionally abusive. ...and I have to tell you also that he doesn't CARE. He likes what he is doing. It took me thirty years to learn how to forgive my Grandpa's behaviors. Every day that you don't STOP him tells your daughter that what he's doing to her is okay. It is not okay. What happened to me warped my life...and gave me sexuality problems that NEVER unwound. Separate them and validate your child's feelings!!! She has a life to live...give her the honor of LISTENING to her and believing her! Hugs...and best wishes to all of you! Gina C.
2007-12-09 00:16:25 · answer #9 · answered by Gina C 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think it may be that he is disturbed in a way you may not imagine. Keep them apart. You say in writing he has trouble distinguishing boundaries. Pay close attention to what YOU wrote and YOU KNOW. He has problems recognizing HIS boundaries. Especially in the area of touching his grand daughter. Keep them apart. KEEP them apart. Do not make her go near him . Do not make her feel guilty for not liking his fondling as it increases her risk of being molested by a man who does NOT recognize boundaries in the area of touching a young girl.
HE is creating problems that DO exist, girl and your own daughter is TELLING you there IS a HUGE problem.
KEEP HIM AWAY FROM HER. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER. I do not know if you realize the seriousness of this.. He is even telling her to tell on him. Don't you see what is happening???? PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
Seriously too .. when I see a mom like you saying she does not want to hurt the feelings of someone with some serious problems with touching his grandaughter improperly .. I wonder what the heck is wrong with YOU???? Listen to your daughter and GET THAT MAN AWAY FROM HER. If you do not..and he ends up , if he hasn't already, molesting her.. after ALL these terrible warnings your own daughter and he are giving off..then you need to get her and you to counseling pronto. Who in the heck cares if his "feelings" get hurt if it means YOUR DAUGHTER pays with a ruined life?
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Let me tell you about one of my aunts who has three daughters ..my family is large and we all try to watch out for each other, ok? At a party one year.. ( she was a very young widow and I was ten when this happened... ) she had been dating a man for a few months.. at this party there was a bit of alcohol and he had apprently had quite a bit of it. He made a comment about one of my cousins one of my aunts children ....she was just 12, and he made a comment about her chest just getting started growing. I heard it.. I went to my mom and said what he said ..and she stood up and in front of everyone she ordered him off the property and told him if he ever returned she would have him arrested. My dad stood up not even knowing what had happened ..and then everyone stood up and stared at him. My mom knew it was true when he imediately looked at my cousin like he was shocked she told..but see? She didn't because she was ashamed to say something bad about an adult. I told because my mom told me never to accept fondling, comments about my body or the bodies of my siblings or cousins, male or female. And my mom was right to order him to leave even if it hurt his precious feelings.. It turned out he was a known molester but this was about tweleve years ago and there were no online registries to check like there are now. If it had not been for my mom TELLING me what IS inappropriate for a man to say about children or anyone.. I would probably have let it pass and my aunt might have married him and my cousins life would have been ruined forever.
IT IS GOOD TO LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
aly..pay attention.. even if it is NOT right NOW sexual..it could go that way at anytime. Understand? If you do not believe me.. call your pediatric nurse..relate to her exactly what you wrote AT FIRST to all of us.. exactly as you wrote it.. without all the later qualifying stuff to defend his behaviour.. and let her talk about it with the other nurses. .................. Listen to what she tells you. He is telling your daughter to tell on him. She is telling you she does not like what he is doing TO her. She WANTS you to defend her. DEFEND YOUR DAUGHTER, woman. Do NOT defend the man she is telling YOU she needs to be protected from.
2007-12-09 00:12:51 · answer #10 · answered by juliette 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋