How to handle the process of splitting, with kids, when you've been together for so long? I feel hopeless.

Question

I haven't been very happy in my relationship with my spouse for a very long time. I got together with him when I was 18 yrs old straight out of a relationship break up because I think I was just scared to be alone.

We've always been pretty incompatible and deep down I've often regretted ever getting together with him but stayed despite this. I deeply care about him but ours was a passionless and stressful relationship. I couldn't help but fight with him all the time and was pretty impossible to please.

He's made many mistakes but is a very nice man. He really took care of me and I depended on him a lot. Almost too much. And I feel lost at the idea of being without him.

We're splitting as we both agree that we're not happy. And I truly have been thinking about leaving him since pretty much the beginning, but never did. Now that it's happening I'm distraught. I'm confused! I have regrets. I know he will have no problem meeting someone, but I'm shy and not as social. Advice?

Answer 1

You have to be strong. This is going to be a huge step in your personal growth. Embrace it, knowing that it will make you stronger. You're like a baby bird about to leave the nest for the first time- for whatever reason, emotionally you clung to him, and he helped you grow as a person, but he wasn't "the one". So now, it's time to take that next step. You were emotionally dependent on him, probably for something lacking in your childhood (such as not having a close relationship with your father), or maybe because you found it difficult to connect with people so that when he came along, he became your only friend which is why you stayed with him for so long. For some reason this situation reminds me of that Fergie song. Here are the lyrics:

Big Girls Don't Cry

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation. Different but something a like. Anyway, your wife need a reason to leave or hate to get up. An example would be: A: She found out you are cheating. Then she will be angry at you or hate the woman. And leave happily with a strong reason. B: She has a close male/female friend to help her in this time. Like moving in with someone. (because living alone or just being alone. All the person every does is think of the pass and ask what/why/how this has happened to me) I don't know why you leave, but i quess the love is gone for you at least. But your wife love for you have not die yet. So just stand by her now. Pick up the phone and listen to her. At least for the first few month, until she can surivie on her mentally. Remember, she is still the mother of your kid. Good luck.

Answer 3

just don't look back. try to roll with what's going on. if you weren't happy with him anyway, then what is there to lose? to meet mr right now, enroll in a course of something you like... like cooking or painting... also, i think that starting up at the gym is a good way to get over a relationship. it makes you feel so good about yourself, and at the same time, there are maaaaaany men there...possibilities? ;-) so i say, just keep your chin up! it's also a good time to reunite with some friends and family that may have been neglected over the years. enjoy the new found time to yourself...have more baths, and dinners out =) good luck in the future!!

Answer 4

Stick with your decision to leave, neither of you are happy, so you need to make the break. And there are plenty of people out there with the same type of problem. You can find support from friends, family & there are even support groups out there that can help you. Good Luck

Answer 5

Find a support group for separated and divorced people. Local Churches usually have them.

Attend meetings regularly, listen to other people's stories, and share yours.

In time, you will be there to help the new comer who needs you. Then the miracle of healing wil begin.

Good luck.

Answer 6

What's that saying we don't know what we got till it's gone?

Well, There seems to be many ways now a days to meet new people. Bars, e-harmony, coffee shops, friends, news paper ads,church....etc......I think you might want to spend some alone time figuring out what you need or want from life then seek out new friends and loves.....good luck

Answer 7

This is so unfortunate. I wish I had advice, but I don't. I only have a hug to offer. Best of luck to you all...especially the kids.

Answer 8

It's like I told me ex....the kids stay with me. Try and take them and you'll think you've been in a fight with a bear.
There was never any problem of who the kids stayed with.

Answer 9

in hte same boat been together for 20 years its hard and lonely but happyness is around the corner pray goodluck

Answer 10

just gradually enter the dating world again.. go out a few times just with girlfriends and just have a goodtime.. do go looking for love.. you wont find it that way.. be patient.