Hello my dearest.
I just happened
to pass this way.
I thought I would
Put these flowers
Where you lay.
I look around
and all I see
Are flowers and trees.
They're so soft and green.
Oh, how I miss you,
Darla Marie.
The Children ask
"Where has mommy gone?"
I tell them that you
Have found a better home.
They're missing you
Almost as much as me.
And how I love you
Darla Marie.
2007-12-08 21:30:26 · 17 answers · asked by Jrahdel 5 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Calm down mul, it's just made up....it's fictional, like yourself.
2007-12-08 21:41:00 · update #1
Ok, I'm overwhelmed.
Why don't some of you comment on the story I wrote five hours ago?
Let me have it on that one too.
Thanks.
2007-12-08 21:57:51 · update #2
Well, the sentiment is good. The imagery is a little shaky. With poems like this, you maybe want to put a bit more emotion into it. Then again, you said it was fictional and being fictional, it would be hard to put emotion into it, I guess. Grief is a very raw, real emotion and it can't really be faked. Just ask the police. lol.
All in all, it was not terrible but I bet you could do better with a better subject. The key is to write what you know. It has more depth and honesty that way.
2007-12-08 22:02:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok...You asked for opinions.
The excerpt "all i see are flowers and trees...soft and green" seems like dead weight for this poem. I mean it doesn't add to anything (and therefore, drags it down instead). Plus, soft and green flowers heavily contrast the supposed feeling of sadness in the poem. Also, saying "I just happened to pass this way" and then professing that you REALLY love Darla Marie is contradictory and somewhat destroys the thematic mood of the poem. It leaves the reader (me) with a weaker impression (even at a subconscious level).
Finally, though admittedly over-analytic, what's up with capitalizing "The Children"? (Is there a metaphor here or a mere typo?)
Overall, if you're just churning out ideas that come to mind, then this representation is...fine. Otherwise, I think this poem lacks "Oomph." It doesn't hold together completely and expresses itself poorly.
Or, I might just have missed out on your metaphors and/or your references (Darla Marie might be a literary figure). Anyway, it's your poem.
Sorry, you asked for opinions and these are meant to be constructive.
2007-12-08 21:51:05 · answer #2 · answered by Immatellonu123 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
So one dimensional. Your vocabulary is poor and it just didn't move me. Everyone's heard a poem like this. Nothing special.
2007-12-08 22:31:00 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its...different
2007-12-08 21:35:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm sorry, i don't like it one bit. It is sentimental and childish. Like you are trying to say, "feel sorry for me because i have tasted death." I mean, how much of a cliche is that? And then you mention your children? You could probably sell your poem to Readers Digest for 100.00. It is that cheesy.
2007-12-08 21:36:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
It's a very sweet and sad poem.
2007-12-08 21:33:46 · answer #6 · answered by CiCi 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
aaaaaw =( really sad but you've put the words in a sweet way , it's a nice poem ....
2007-12-08 21:39:02 · answer #7 · answered by ★Star Girl★™ 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
feel like it's missing soul. No depth to it, sorry if it comes from your heart but I don't feel it.
2007-12-08 21:35:20 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is the cutest poem !!
Very very touching i loved it !!
2007-12-08 21:33:48 · answer #9 · answered by *~*~*~* 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
i liked it keep up the good work
2007-12-09 00:43:34 · answer #10 · answered by jesse mary 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋